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The Patron Paramedics

Author: mikepyro7
ASL Info:    15. Male. TX
Elite Ratio:    2.11 - 21 /41 /30
Words: 1196
Class/Type: Story /Comedy
Total Views: 764
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 7494


A lot can happen in a night's work. (comedy)

The Patron Paramedics

“So why do you hate Chinese people, Charlie?”
“It’s not just the Chinese, Bill. It’s Asians in general.”
“So you’re not a country-related racist, you’re a national racist.”
“I’m not racist.”

I look at Charlie with disbelief and try not to laugh. Charlie’s my partner, we’re both paramedics. The two of us work the night shift for the hospital. We’re one of the few who get to drive around the city, just in case a call comes in, kinda like cops, except we don’t beat the living piss out of black people.

Anyway, back to Charlie, he’s my partner, but, well how do I put it? I feel sorry for the guys who cheated off him in high school. How is an idiot saving lives? Beats me. At least Charlie doesn’t crack under pressure, I think he’s cracked enough as is.

“What are you talking about, Charlie? You just said you hated Chinese people!”
“Asian people, Bill.”
“Well excuse me.”
“Watch the road, Bill.”

I look back and pull the ambulance out of the side lane. This kind of stuff happens when you talk with Charlie. I think his shiny head has something to do with it.

“So you were saying?” I ask.
“I’m not racist, I just think they suck at driving-”

I gotta give him that.

“-and they're rude. Hell, they sound rude. Even their language sounds rude; so fast and angry.”
“You know what, just stop talking, Charlie.”

Charlie falls silent. That’s one thing that freaks me out about him, he’s like a dog. Sit! Stay! Roll over! Shut up! He follows orders.

We’ve been driving for the past two hours, we got four more left. It’s three o’clock and coffee just isn’t doing it anymore, so NoDoz tablets are the cure. It doesn’t matter for me, I have insomnia, the NoDoz are for Charlie. He’s been popping them like skittles. He is so not reaching fifty.

“Oh son of a bitch!” Charlie shouts, sitting up.
“Look at that car!”

We just got to a stoplight, up ahead a red car with double barrel mufflers is shooting out more smoke then my grandma at bingo night.

“What about it?”

He looks at me like I’m the insane one. And without another word he rolls the window down, sticks out his head, and begins to shout at the top of his lungs.


The kid inside shoots him the finger and returns the favor with his own insult.

“Hey screw you, queer bait!” The first punk shouts.
“Yeah, why don’t you go hug a tree!?” Punk #2 replies.
Charlie sticks his head back in and turns to me. His eyes are wide and glowing; they look as if he’s just had the high of his life.

“Did he just call me queer bait?”
“I believe so, Charlie.”
“Oh hell no.”
“Charlie what are you doing? Charlie? Charlie don’t get the bat, man!”

But he isn’t listening, he’s leapt out the ambulance and is marching his way to the red car, still stopped by the red light, his Mickey Mantle baseball bat in hand. This isn’t the first time he’s done this.

“Hey, you call me queer bait!?” He screams smashing the side window.
“What the hell man!?” Punk #1 shouts.
“Did you call me queer bait!?”

There goes the side mirror.

“Oh my God, my car!”

There goes the headlight. If I were them I’d go before it gets really nasty-oh, never mind, he’s on the bumper. These guys are in the red zone now.

“Drive man! Drive!!” Punk #2 shouts.

Charlie gets one more good whack before they get away, right in the break light. He’s burned out. He just gets in the ambulance and puts the seat back.


I would say more but someone’s on the radio . Charlie puts his seat back in it’s upright and uncomfortable position.

“This is Rover 4, what’s up Amy?” I reply. Trucker talk, ya gotta love it.
“We got a gunshot victim in west point park.”
“West point? That’s two miles away.”
“You’re the closest, Bill.” She replies.
“Aww, do we have to?”
“Yes you do, Bill. Now get.”
“Ok Amy, but before you go, I gotta ask, will you go out with me?”

Amy’s already hung up.
Damn it, why does no one take me seriously?
I’ll ask her later.

“Come on man let’s go.”
“Shut up, Charlie.”

For the next two minutes we drive in complete silence. Nothing but Billy Bob’s country songs to keep us company. We’re here.

I can see the poor bastard, looks like he’s got a bullet in the chest, shattered ribs, two, at least. Boy did he pick the wrong guy to get mugged by.

“Holy Shit. Holy Shit, Holy Shit, Holleeee Shit.” Is all Charlie can say.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t informed that Christ was replaced by feces. Has the pope been informed?” I ask him, rolling out the stretcher.

“Don’t you recognize him?”
“No, should I?”
“Man, that’s Tom Benson!”
“He’s our mayor!”
“Oh yeah that is him.”

As Charlie sets down the stretcher, I prop up the old man’s head. He’s still breathing. His lungs are fine, the ribs haven’t pierced them, but he’s lost a lot of blood.

“Sir, it’s an honor to meet you, let me just say I’m a fan.”
“Shut up, Charlie. Sir, can you hear me? I’m going to give you some morphine.”

He’s out, don’t matter, oh wait...there he is.

“I don’t need no union, shoot me up.”

I take that as a yes.

“I voted for you.”
“Shut up, Charlie!” I shout, pulling our little city’s mayor onto the stretcher and rolling him into the back.

And we’re off to the hen house. I can hear the mayor laughing in the back with Charlie. That morphine works better then marijuana ever will.

“And so I says to him, hey I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Boy that old coot has some jokes. Too bad he’ll never remember telling me them. I pull into the hospital front. Here we are. There he goes. Now I’m back alone with Charlie.

“Hey Amy!” I shout to the tall blonde standing at the front, watching our beloved mayor go.
“Was that the mayor, Bill?!”
“Ask Charlie, he’ll know!” I reply.

She turns to leave.

“Hey Amy!”
“What now, Bill!?”
“You sure you won’t go out with me!?”

Annndddd....there she goes. She don’t know what she’s missing.

“Come on, Bill! I need some more NoDoz.” Charlie says, pulling me by the arm.
“Ok. I’m coming. ”

I’ll just ask her later. But for now I don’t wanna be picking Charlie up off the ground. I wonder if he got the mayor’s autograph.

“Got another guys.” Amy says through the radio.

Whew, what a night.

Submitted on 2006-09-22 09:39:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  THat was pretty funny. I liked it. I think i was expecting it to be more comical though, but I did like it. Maybe a little longer, It hink that would make it better. Othr than that, I really thought it as good. ~CAotic~
| Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]

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