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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Unreachable Stardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rememberplaydoh
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 68/99/51
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 178
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 467



    Description:
       I wrote this for a contest that Graeme is holding in Kingpoets. The contest is/was to write a poem that started with that line "The unreachable star" This is what I came up with.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Unreachable Stardots
    -------------------------------------------


    The unreachable star...
    my happy existance,
    a perfect love,
    a life without pain.

    A fluttering moth...
    my futile attempts
    to capture the star,
    a mission in vain.

    Miles between...
    insurmountable troubles,
    hurdles and roadblocks,
    a distance too far.

    A flickering candle...
    is all my persistance,
    it wavers - I reach
    for the unreachable star.




    Submitted on 2006-09-23 00:05:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      As I said, I decided to read some of your other writes. The specific title caught my eye in the list of your other fantabulous pieces of genius, and so I clicked on it. ^_^

    So! On to the write itself. The second and fourth stanzas were my absolute favorites.

    "A fluttering moth...
    my futile attempts
    to capture the star,
    a mission in vain."

    "A flickering candle...
    is all my persistance,
    it wavers - I reach
    for the unreachable star."

    As in your other great writes, the imagery here is very fathomable and palpable. (sp?) I feel like I could catch the moth, but at the same time do not wish to. It is flying towards this said star, and in order to get there, must escape all obstacles. By catching it, I will stop it.

    Forget my silly moth ranting. Anyway, I just thought that the images and pictures painted here were gracious and soft to the mind. This helped me see the star against a night sky, instead of blazing images smashed into my head.

    Despite this though, I failed to see how the moth compared to the star. Though I said earlier that the moth needs to fly to get to the star, that doesn't really explain this line: "my futile attempts to capture the star, a mission in vain." Is the moth part of the mission, or a comparison?

    The same goes for the fourth stanza. The imagery: excellent. The understanding: less than it should be.

    All in all, it's a very nice piece of work, but some editing could be useful. Soooo...yeah. I'm going to bed now. O.o

    ---Restless
    | Posted on 2006-10-11 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      HEY DOH!!!!! I miss you sooooo much *lots && lots of huggles* ok now that we have that understood I shall now focus my undivided attention to your write *looks at butterfly....then remembers there are no butterflies inside her house......*
    awwwww this was so pretty; it made me smile u know u luv u sis smiling is good; lol I'm a bit hyper if YoU cOuLdN't TeLl AlReAdY. I really liked your metaphor/images in the second stanza; I thought it was a fairly good comparrision. and your third stanza was so true; it's kewl how you didn't make it all happy because thinking there are never going to be things in your way is like unimaginable 'ignorant bliss' lol i wouldn't want to be THAT oblivious.
    and at the end it seemed a little wishy-washy but maybe that's just me, overall nice write, was good to read something from you again
    take care,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]



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