the reverse-butterfly
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Description:
Mortality.
I am still August.
I really did want to be a butterfly when I was younger. Average lifespan of a butterfly is normally two weeks. I'm grateful I never changed.
I spent a lot of time on this one. I know it is a lot of reading but I will appreciate anyone who does.
the reverse-butterfly
"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." – Nathaniel Hawthorne 'the reverse-butterfly' * * * The beginning seasons of my life were fast, as each new year begins by February my father asked what it was I wanted to be when I grew up By March, I thought I had an answer. "A butterfly," I told him. I think he smiled, but he said Okay. It was that week before that I found a fascination with butterflies; that they can fly wherever they wanted, the vibrant colors and designs they had on their wings – they made people look in awe. In April, it rained. Butterflies don't take on water too well, as I was studying to become, and heavy hits battered broken wings. Our flock was me, Mother, sister and brother. Father was washed out with the rain water. New flowers bloomed in May as Mother introduced a new man into our kingdom, as I've always felt her to be queen though never had our house been a monarchy and she was more of a monarch herself but she always ruled gently delicately expressioned Summer was time to flee feeling that things had become cluttered so I wanted to be on my own * * * Three months became three years and I've only been to a few places because my wings didn't know the sky yet soon I became September and my mother, December, her delicate flowered-fashion slowly felt slight white indentations Moths, she told me, come to devour our sight of ground. The earth became cold and shivered silver-sparkle as tiny niggles tugged bitter-frosting chugging down colors – one design I soon came to know above all the rest * * * Crippled across a white eye – the earth staring up – there was a darkened spot that this cold season allowed this is where the colors swirled down as spiraling crowns shifted in mid-sky the gilding wind spat rain in armor as an amorous sun, though it were bedded in grey cotton, seemed to focus on this black dot the earth blinked and our thoughts wrapped around her as she was lowered It was at this point I realized she was going into a cocoon for the first time * * * I had wondered about the process of butterfly-making and felt that I would remain unresolved in its method I was unconsumed by a growing development that was ever-present. A feature ran alongside what was known to me but pitched deep into a place of solitude where wings only flapped visionary. |
Submitted on 2006-09-23 04:21:15 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| No... I'm not so crazy about the title but I don't mind the length because your method of expression was well used. I thought that the whole butterfly-thing was quite helpful in conveying the emotional weight of this piece because, to me, they are one of the striking things that a child would more likely be drawn to if they were seeing the world for the very first time; a process that starts the harsh beauty of it all. And to me, the somewhat quivering innocence of your voice was powerfully painful. That's quite a combination right there. For the last part... well... I'm not really sure how much I liked it and how much I didn't feel for it. In a sense it was relevant and it complimented the piece... what with the transition and all. But, it seems to be lacking of some sort of flair, as if you didn't want to write it... but felt like you had to. But maybe that's just because I still lack sleep. Anyway, I liked the thing as a whole. Keep writing. | Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] | I found the poem to be interesting as well as ambitious. I like content of your poetry. They strike me as determined speak thoughtfully and fully on something beside the trifles so often written about. I feel that you are trying to develop your own voice and that too is admirable. In this poem I like the scope of your thoughts and the idea of encapsulating a life time in a poem. Though not new, there is room for novelty in the theme. I found several things working against the poem. First, in the uneven application of the butterfly metaphor (also not new). Then, with the unfinished threads you introduce such as the passing of the father and the introduction of the boyfriend as well as a lack of structure in the poem. Finally, the absence of a defined theme for the poem i the "what" in what does the poem have to say. | Let’s begin with the complete metaphor. The complete metaphor is interesting and potentially very useful. Your use of it is in this poem is ambitious and speaks to your artistic intentions, yet I can't help feeling that it is wanting for a complete and consistent application or at least a smoother adaptation. You play loose with the parent child dichotomy in the butterfly world. The butterfly is the parent of the caterpillar such that their morphology is distinct to the eye. Here, as a vehicle to describe the passing '‘tween worlds you put both parent and child in the same form. It may seem like a logics argument in the world of poetic license but it works against the scanning of the poem. The exact and effective metaphor is that the passing ‘tween worlds is like that of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. You've taken this idea and extended it unevenly to the whole life cycle. Here it works against the biographical content of the poem and creates awkward logical contradictions such as if the father was already a butterfly when he passed how could the mother not be a butterfly when she passed. I know it is only logic remember though, that even magicians must create their illusions by making a clean break from contradiction. Their can be no loose ends to lead to the source of the trick such that they must be ruthless in tracing the logic of the audiences observations in order to conceal their art. The same is true for the poet. The complete metaphor must be internally consistent in order to achieve its fullness. My second issue lies with the unfinished threads such as the fathers’ death and the life history of the siblings as well as the introduction of the boyfriend. In both the lack of depth concerning these threads as well as the emotionally neutral language used to describe them I find them to be unfinished. This leads me to my next point, the chronological movement of the poem lends it self to a format using parts as in part I and part II etc... I would suggest that you break the poem into parts and determine what you want each part to say. Make each part self contained with an introduction, middle - climax and final - conclusion and yet keep them as parts of the whole story. In this way the biography remains interesting but gives you room to explore the different elements you touch on in the poem. Here, structure will work for your poem not against it. I would suggest you read a poet by the name of devildinasour. He is an excellent story teller. One of his poems is in my favorites. It is a story format poem. He does an excellent job of formatting the poem. This may serve as a good example of how to structure your own poem. In either case it is a wonderful poem and well worth reading. My last observation is that you must define for your self the theme of the poem. Is it life? Is it death? Is it that life and death are a continuous and uninterrupted flow marked by transformations not ends. If so what does this mean for the life we live and the ones we've yet to live. Answer these and any other questions for your self. Than let them find their expression in the poem through the various threads you've already introduced and the many more that may be more effective. As it stands, the poem seems to lack any direction beside that of a biographical chronology. To be effective as a biographical work of art the poem must use the biography as a vehicle for a themematic conclusion. Once you determine what that conclusion is the whole poem will fall into place for you. Well, it was a lot to say. Hopefully some of it will be useful to you. Good luck and good writing. Regards, Marco | Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ] | You know Lee-- I've come to this point which I should've a long time ago, to comment only on work that resonates with me on some level, because the rest doesn't apply... or... if I don't like it what the hell is the point in saying so? | Which is why I'm here. Because I do like this. Your metaphor of butterflies was remarkably consistent throughout in my opinion-- the playoff between you and your family a mercurial insight into your life. And that's what I want to know about. Beyond the poetics I want to know something real; I'm unimpressed by verbal wanking... something which I may be prone to, but hey, I've confessed lol. Now this-- you've kept your wording distinct, yet approachable. Too often I read words thrown in to make an 'artistic endeavour to sound hell cool'... but it doesnt-- it's just pretentious. I think you're moulding your style to something suiting you, or maybe it's just that I can sense your voice, your personality underneath which pulls the reader in and makes them think. This is what poetry is about, and what I strive for, and what I love to see in others. To grow, to unfurl their wings, to find the next horizon when previous ones lose their vitality. Everything else is next to worthless and ash to the wind. But this isn't. Peace,  Jase | Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] | The beginning seasons of my life | were fast, as each new year begins Tense, tense, tense - not as in tension, but as in past or present. Pick one. You started with past, but finished with present. ********** by February my father asked what it was I wanted to be when I grew up When you say "by something-or-other", you are usually following something else. This was done, then by that time, something else was done. I would really suggest starting this with 'in' rather than 'by' since it starts the action rather than follows some other action. *********** It was that week before that I found a fascination with butterflies; Do you mean it was THE week before that...? And the rest of that stanza... that they can fly wherever they wanted, the vibrant colors and designs they had on their wings – they made people look in awe. actually sounds rather amateurish. I think if you left out a line or maybe just a word or two...something like: they could fly wherever they want, their vibrant colors and designs - I was filled with awe. There also was another tense issue. ********* Butterflies don't take on water too well, as I was studying to become, I understand the first line, but not the second. Are you trying to say you were studying to become a butterfly - sort of as a parenthetical statement? If so, try it this way: Butterflies, which I was studying to become, don't take on water too well. ********* New flowers bloomed in May as Mother introduced a new man into our kingdom, as I've always felt her to be queen though never had our house been a monarchy and she was more of a monarch herself but she always ruled gently delicately expressioned This is an awkward pair of stanzas. I'm not entirely sure what its purpose is. You start telling us about the new man that was now part of your life, but you wind up telling us that you mother is a gentle queen. I'd really suggest just tossing both stanzas and putting a line in another one. ******* Three months became three years and I've only been to a few places because my wings didn't know the sky yet Again, tense. became; I've been should be became; I'd been her delicate flowered-fashion slowly felt slight white indentations Huh? ************ Now after this you lose your season metaphor, and, in my opinion, you also lose the theme of your poem. At least, I have trouble discerning a theme. The last sections of your piece lack clarity and cohesiveness in my opinion. I feel you have come up with an original way of expressing your thought - the passing of time and the changes that come with it (at least, that's what I get from it). I'd really like to see you develop this, but it does need work. mae | Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ] | Well, you certainly didn't deserve that! Rouge, it's late right now and I really want to critique this well, so I'll be back. You should know - I really think it's worth a review. It had a few problems, but more good stuff. I'll see you here later. mae | | Posted on 2006-09-24 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ] | too god damned long, plus the title sounds like some kinda sex position. | | Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by ad libitum | [ Reply to This ] | |
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