Demon heart by wordsofmind

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Submission Name: Demon heart dots

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Author:	wordsofmind
ASL Info:	18/F/Quebec, Canada
Elite Ratio:	5.44 - 178/180/57
Words:	101

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	201
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	659

Description:
This was inspired by two texts and also by my personal experience. A part two will follow. And perhaps a part three as well.

The texts that inspired me can be found here:
http://www.jagszone.com/other/ode_girl.html
http://www.jagszone.com/other/ode_guy.htm

Demon heart dots

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He loved a girl with a demon heart
The one with an angelic face
She darted him at his weakest part
With her imposing charm and grace

Although, her eyes showed no emotions
Toward him; it was just a game
Coquettish in her flirty motions
That were not real, oh what a shame

Why did she act so cruel toward him?
Misleading, lying, and deceiving
She left him desperate, hopeless, grim,
Restless, pale, and weakening

No longer he believed in love
For her foul disposition
An angel was sent from above
To save his poor condition

Submitted on 2006-09-23 15:17:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
um...WTF IS THAT ISH DOWN BELOW? IS THAT A COMMENT? OR DID HER KEYBOARD JUST SNEEZE?

that sorely disappoints me, and i apologize for Ari...new user. well anyways.

i absolutely Loved the meter here, just one gripe though...

Although, her eyes showed no emotions
Toward him; it was just a game
[She was] coquettish in her flirty motions
That were not real, oh what a shame

---

here you went
9
7
11
8
and the 11 was unsound, try...

Although, her eyes showed no emotions
Toward him; it was just a game
Coquettish in her flirty motions
That were not real, oh what a shame
9
7
9
8
is more sound when read aloud and subconsciously . and the removal of the rhetoric in brackets above doesn't change the menaing, and still indicates the same sense of posession as before. She and Her are interchangeable in this case, since her shows posession to the conquettish behaviors, it can only be assumed that She is the holder of these behaviors, because no other female personification, objectification, or charater or holder has been introduced. Cheers .

---

and i commend your vocab here, not sloppy, fit the meter and the light, airy mood of this piece, melding perfectly into its undertones. cheers again.

---

Why did she act so cruel toward him?
Misleading, lying, and deceiving
[She] left him desperate, hopeless, grim,
Restless, pale, and weakening
i saw the fight in this stanza as u tried to maintain some sense of metered composure, wrestling with words...also again SHE can be deleted here, because SHE was used in the first line of this stanza, as not to sound so...redundant.

the commas were a bit distracting tho.

you could remove the one between pale and AND because and can substitue as a comma in modern english.

also this line...

Restless, pale, and weakening
weakening makes not a lot of sense here. what is doing the weakening? and what is being weakened? i know he is, but to be grammatically correct in this case, that is not the correct tense to use .

---

No longer he believed in love
[For] her unjust disposition
Even when an angel from above
Was sent to save his poor condition
again, meter issues here...

8
8
9
9
but they match!! LOL...but the rest of your poem fit this mode...

9
7
9
8

or

8
7
9
8

or something of that nature, here, try this...

No longer he believed in love;
Her unjust disposition
When 'twas an angel from above
Who saved his poor condition

8
7
8
7

is more sound once again. like i say, dabble and play around with meter, and again FOR was rhetoric, with a little 'paraphrasing', all is well .

cheers, thanks for the pleasure of the read, and keep writing.

Loq Dawg
| Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
i likee
| Posted on 2006-09-23 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ]

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