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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: that place (it was ours)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dark figure
    ASL Info:    17/m/uk
    Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 66/74/29
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1108
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1042



    Description:
       i dont give a fuck what you have to say she was my life shes gone im so dead inside that even my own words mean nothing i wish i was burning in hell right now


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthat place (it was ours)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    as I stare into the darkness
    as I find our place
    the place we used to have
    I cry... a tear for the love we had

    as I feel the breeze send its fingers around my arms
    as its voice whispers in my ears
    I think of your sweet sound and the warmth we had
    I break... to show you I still care

    as the stars shine so bold and bright
    the memories flood my fragile mind
    I scream at the top of my voice
    as the pain cements its self in my veins

    the scents I smell as I walk across that field
    the hugs the kisses
    the talks that stopped time
    all things I once love evaporate into nothing

    I cry... forever feeling this guilt
    that it should have been me
    why do I feel dead inside
    a empty shell...

    I will never see you again
    as Iím going to a different place
    we the people who care donít go
    I love you with all I have

    I just hope you know




    Submitted on 2006-09-25 16:13:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Rakkem
    I have read and commented on a couple of your writes but this one My Friend to me is by far your best write
    This write is packed with true honest emotion in every word
    I can definately feel the Love you have for this person
    I hope you realize this person will always be in your heart waiting to Help you move forward in Life
    The one line that scared me is the line where you said you are going to a different place then her
    That is simply not true Rak
    You have helped me Move forward with your comments and just talking to you
    And the only Thing God has ever asked of us is to help our fellow man in Life
    Rak I can assure you
    A kind Hearted Person like you is definately upon your death which hopefully will be a VERY LONG time from now going to Heaven
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a sad story, sorry it had to happen to you. I know what it feels like to lose someone you adore, love, care about more than your life. I mean one day it's there and the next it's not. It sucks. What I'm going to say is that it's wonderful. I like the write a lot and I hope you keep writing. One thing that bugged me a little however is that there are some spelling mistakes throughout it, other than that it's great.

    Good Job.

    - Kyle
    | Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
      You asked for honesty so thats what i shall give....

    "as i stare into the darkness
    as i find our place
    the place we used to have
    i cry... a tear for the love we had"

    sadly i can relate to this the way you used this is leaving a raw feeling this first part actually captured my interest....and reminds me of sad memorys.

    "as i feel the breeze send its fingers around my arms
    as its voice wispers in my ears
    i think of your sweet sound and the warmth we had
    i break... to show you i still care"

    a little rhyme wouldnt hurt this but i see where you are going with this. you told me you wrote this in a rage....i believe so but the pain stands out more than the rage. you can word this part in a way that will stand out more but i really love how you did this....if i could show u a part that i think would be worded (wow did that make sence?)
    well the "as i feel the breeze send its fingers around my arms... that part sort of confused me i had to read it a second time to understand it...im really loving this poem hun. your an amazing writter.

    "as the stars shine so bold and bright
    the memorys flood my fragile mind
    i scream at the top of my voise
    as the pain cements its self in my veins"

    now this is my all time favorite part! the imagery is amazing! i love it! im so close to adding this peice to my fav. list! i cant find one flaw in this part.

    "the sents i smell as i walk across that field
    the hugs the kisses
    the talks that stopped time
    all things i once love evaporate into nothing"

    now as you get farther into the poem your skills begin to jump out. this part actually took my breath away just bc of how raw it is. i love it.

    "i cry... forever feeling this guilt
    that it should have been me
    why do i feel dead inside
    a empty shell..."

    this part is beautiful....im probley saying this bc i can relate with all my heart i know what you mean when that happends to you.......it kills you in the end.

    "i will never see you again
    as im going to a different place
    we the people who care dont go
    i love you will all i have

    i just hope you know"

    now this last part....we should be were lol just noticed that will should be with. and the ending is perfect. you had a dramatic affect you built up and ended softly this is a beautiful peice and im honored that you asked me to look at this...thank you

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*
    | Posted on 2006-09-25 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    119446

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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