Description: i dont give a fuck what you have to say she was my life shes gone im so dead inside that even my own words mean nothing i wish i was burning in hell right now
that place (it was ours) -------------------------------------------
as I stare into the darkness
as I find our place
the place we used to have
I cry... a tear for the love we had
as I feel the breeze send its fingers around my arms
as its voice whispers in my ears
I think of your sweet sound and the warmth we had
I break... to show you I still care
as the stars shine so bold and bright
the memories flood my fragile mind
I scream at the top of my voice
as the pain cements its self in my veins
the scents I smell as I walk across that field
the hugs the kisses
the talks that stopped time
all things I once love evaporate into nothing
I cry... forever feeling this guilt
that it should have been me
why do I feel dead inside
a empty shell...
I will never see you again
as I’m going to a different place
we the people who care don’t go
I love you with all I have
Rakkem I have read and commented on a couple of your writes but this one My Friend to me is by far your best write This write is packed with true honest emotion in every word I can definately feel the Love you have for this person I hope you realize this person will always be in your heart waiting to Help you move forward in Life The one line that scared me is the line where you said you are going to a different place then her That is simply not true Rak You have helped me Move forward with your comments and just talking to you And the only Thing God has ever asked of us is to help our fellow man in Life Rak I can assure you A kind Hearted Person like you is definately upon your death which hopefully will be a VERY LONG time from now going to Heaven God Bless Your Friend Ron
This is a sad story, sorry it had to happen to you. I know what it feels like to lose someone you adore, love, care about more than your life. I mean one day it's there and the next it's not. It sucks. What I'm going to say is that it's wonderful. I like the write a lot and I hope you keep writing. One thing that bugged me a little however is that there are some spelling mistakes throughout it, other than that it's great.
You asked for honesty so thats what i shall give....
"as i stare into the darkness as i find our place the place we used to have i cry... a tear for the love we had"
sadly i can relate to this the way you used this is leaving a raw feeling this first part actually captured my interest....and reminds me of sad memorys.
"as i feel the breeze send its fingers around my arms as its voice wispers in my ears i think of your sweet sound and the warmth we had i break... to show you i still care"
a little rhyme wouldnt hurt this but i see where you are going with this. you told me you wrote this in a rage....i believe so but the pain stands out more than the rage. you can word this part in a way that will stand out more but i really love how you did this....if i could show u a part that i think would be worded (wow did that make sence?) well the "as i feel the breeze send its fingers around my arms... that part sort of confused me i had to read it a second time to understand it...im really loving this poem hun. your an amazing writter.
"as the stars shine so bold and bright the memorys flood my fragile mind i scream at the top of my voise as the pain cements its self in my veins"
now this is my all time favorite part! the imagery is amazing! i love it! im so close to adding this peice to my fav. list! i cant find one flaw in this part.
"the sents i smell as i walk across that field the hugs the kisses the talks that stopped time all things i once love evaporate into nothing"
now as you get farther into the poem your skills begin to jump out. this part actually took my breath away just bc of how raw it is. i love it.
"i cry... forever feeling this guilt that it should have been me why do i feel dead inside a empty shell..."
this part is beautiful....im probley saying this bc i can relate with all my heart i know what you mean when that happends to you.......it kills you in the end.
"i will never see you again as im going to a different place we the people who care dont go i love you will all i have
i just hope you know"
now this last part....we should be were lol just noticed that will should be with. and the ending is perfect. you had a dramatic affect you built up and ended softly this is a beautiful peice and im honored that you asked me to look at this...thank you
Submission Name: that place (it was ours)
