If only a tear I could be,
To grasp your feelings in a spree,
Your thoughts and fragile pains to feel,
And be your sole melancholy...
A gentle Tear I would have been,
If in your eye I had been born,
Embracing you when you'were alone,
Enjoying every single grief.
And as you close your eyes to sleep,
The pompous end approaches, lo!
My death I will encounter, thus,
As softly as ever in your lips.
| the personification works well and youve done it quite cleverly. I really dislike the use of a rhyme schem in that first stanza, it seems out of place and the word 'melancholy' seems forced. overall it is a sturdy write and i congradulate you on your achievement.|
good job and good write
|| Posted on 2007-06-07 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ] || I like this, especially the 2nd stanza. There's a gentleness there that's really sweet w/o being overdone. |
I'd think about ditching the rhyme in the 1st stanza, especially since you don't continue it, but that's just me 2 cents.
|| Posted on 2007-03-01 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ] || this is a nice simple poem and your title caught my eye...i enjoyed it||| Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ani | [ Reply to This ] || Well. You finally got a comment on your poem. Short. I don't like comments like that so I'll try to write a proper one for you . |
I, too like the title.. it made me think of the Latin word, lacrima which of course means tear.
I like the idea that you sort of used personification with the tear.I do find that creative. I know you don't think this poem is very good, but I know I like it very much. The flow in this piece is well done, I did not fins any places where it was off.
I have one remark though. The poem itself, is not really difficult, which actually has a nice effect, and that is why I think in the last stanza, the archaism doesn't fit. Especially line 2 in stnaza 3 does not match with the vocabulary you used in the rest of the poem.
Other than that, good job
|| Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ] || Nice to know you are using your spanish. Hello I do not know if you remember me but I was looking back at my poems and I saw one of your comments, I always enjoyed your comments, so I decided to come and see how you were doing.|
This poem was really nice and it reminded me of Shakespeare and his sonnets. It is simple, gets to the point yet it speaks to the heart. It speaks of a love that embraces everything even grief. It sets an imagery of what it would be like to be something as sacred to someone as a tear and especially how it would be to be the tear of that someone we love. When we see someone cry we want to wipe away their tears but what if instead we embraced the tears and became them and by becoming them embracing the person we love. It was truly amazing. Nice title by the way I don't know why but it certainly grasps your attention. To be honest I thought that maybe it was going to be in Spanish and that is what interested me about it but even though it wasn't in Spanish it was a really good poem. Well hope to hear from you soon. Keep up the good work.
Oh well I guess since this is about looking about poetry and helping the poet by pointing out what he could do to improve I would think about my word choice in the second stanza. Are you sure that pompous is the right word to use? I don't know maybe I didn't understand that part.
|| Posted on 2006-11-28 00:00:00 | by Katrinagolden | [ Reply to This ] |