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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Phoneydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 703
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 758



    Description:
       A bitter play on the marriage vows.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhoneydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Together, forever,
    'til death do us part
    Whoever thought that up
    Just wasn't too smart

    With this ring,
    I thee wed
    The biggest lie you ever said
    With this ring,
    you made a show
    So no one else
    would ever know
    The hell you were to put me through
    The moment that I said I do

    Throw the flowers,
    throw the rice
    I threw away my entire life

    To have and to hold
    for eternity
    The shortest time I've ever seen

    So now I know just what it means
    To love someone and share their dreams
    It means my heart will take the fall
    Your love was never real at all




    Submitted on 2006-09-26 14:14:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is sad. Your rythm is getting better all the time, but some of the lines could be refined. okay lets go to work.
    "The shortest eternity I've ever seen' i would re work this line it's just to close to have eternity repeated again within this piece. I think it's more about the rythm for me then the repetition, I just think it feels akward when the piece up until this point is smooth as ice. You need a one syllable word either " the shortest that I've ever seen or the shortest time I've ever seen" I like my second suggestion better.
    'It means your heart will take the fall
    For love was never real at all" you're making these lines too objective they'd be better subjective. Like this
    "It means my heart will take the fall"
    "your love was never real at all"

    First off it don't let one [censored] convince you that love doesn't exist and that your not worth being loved because that's bull[censored].
    This whole poem is about him so i thought being able to look at this as it applies to him feels better than too assume it applies to all future relationships much less your readers relationships. When someone hurts you that much it's hard to move past it. My poem rape victim(not one of my better pieces) is about an incident that's at least 7 years back and some wounds take longer. You'll get through it. peace XXXXXX blessings.

    Overall Rythmically this is the strongest piece I've read of yours. I think the way it's writtien makes you sound like you are being unrealistic. Love has many forms and many definitions, but love does exist. I'd make it about just that period you went through , you're still going through, you're moving past. realizing that those time are in the past and the future can be what you make it is smarter. right now you're letting this hurt wreck your life, but you have been set free and it'll never be easy, but it will be whatever you dream. I feel you. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is really sad. I don't think I want to get married. Not that I ever wanted to before. I've watched my parents fight for years, and I've never wanted to end up like them. I can feel their pain, and I know that they aren't happy anymore. And it tears me apart, because the only reason they are together is because of me and my sisters. They sacrifice their happiness for us.
    Good rhyming, and even though it was kind of depressing, I enjoyed every bit of it. It was a good write.

    ~Piper
    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by PiperH | [ Reply to This ]
      This write I really like
    This write speaks such Great truth
    Too many people base Love on the beauty on the outside and very rarely the beauty on the inside
    I for one think I never will get married because I fear the pain that comes with Marraige
    Besides to me the only true Love a person truthfully feels is the Love given to them by there family
    Where does it say Love has to be romantic
    Love is a sense of feeling and emotion
    What more honest emotion is there to someone then the Love of their own family
    I really liked this
    I look forward to reading more writes from you in the future
    God Bless
    Ron

    And Please allow me to be one of the first to Welcome you to Elite Skills
    I hope this site brings you all the Happiness it has brought me

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-09-26 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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