Description: This is true. I went to a church that was lcosing, sold to a couple for the land. It was a very sad day. I'm coming back to this one to add a quote, but Im not sure how long it will take. I know spelling and everything sux but ya. enjoy.
**The Last Sermon -------------------------------------------
Joyous hugs and smiles appear
Greeting the children as they walk in their dresses
Old friends reuniting on this bittersweet day
The children of the Lord, gather in the pews
Sitting contendly as the organ plays
Raising their voices in songs of praise
Then bowin their heads in prayer
Praying for healthy lives and a bright future
Asking to be led along the way of life
As the minister stands to recounter memories of the past
Sobs of sorrow slip past precious mouths
Weeping in joy, sadness and pain
No one will ever be able to return again
The closing words said
"Children have been baptized and the dead have been mourned int his sacred place. "
The family stands as a final chord is hit
On the piano for the choir to sing
Everyone exits with heavy hearts
Final good byes as everyone parts
Farewll great chapel that took away my pain
May your spirit continue after your very last day.
There are parts of the poem that rhymed which threw me off because the rest of the poem didn't. ("Sitting contendly as the organ plays / Raising their voices in songs of praise," and "Everyone exits with heavy hearts / Final good byes as everyone parts") I think if you're going to rhyme, you should rhyme from the beginning.
I personally prefer free-style poems, that aren't structured or rhyming, so you can be free in what you write. The rest of your poem sounds really free, and not forced, so you should probably stick to writing without trying to rhyme for now.
I really like the line "Sobs of sorrow slip past precious mouths" because it sounds really descriptive. You should put more description in your lines, I think that would make your piece really pop! Think about not only what you see, but what you hear, smell, feel, taste. I know you might think, "What can you taste in a church?" but use your imagination...you know how after you cut grass, you smell the "greenness" of the grass? You can write, "I tasted the green of the grass" to get across what you mean. Stuff like that, be inventive! It can't hurt to try!
I'm really glad you wrote about something that mattered to you and affected you so strongly that you wanted to write about it. Seriously, keep up with the writing, it can only get better.