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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: **The Last Sermondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 725
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1035



    Description:
       This is true. I went to a church that was lcosing, sold to a couple for the land. It was a very sad day. I'm coming back to this one to add a quote, but Im not sure how long it will take. I know spelling and everything sux but ya. enjoy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots**The Last Sermondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Joyous hugs and smiles appear
    Greeting the children as they walk in their dresses
    Old friends reuniting on this bittersweet day
    The children of the Lord, gather in the pews
    Sitting contendly as the organ plays
    Raising their voices in songs of praise
    Then bowin their heads in prayer
    Praying for healthy lives and a bright future
    Asking to be led along the way of life
    As the minister stands to recounter memories of the past
    Sobs of sorrow slip past precious mouths
    Weeping in joy, sadness and pain
    No one will ever be able to return again
    The closing words said
    "Children have been baptized and the dead have been mourned int his sacred place. "
    The family stands as a final chord is hit
    On the piano for the choir to sing
    Everyone exits with heavy hearts
    Final good byes as everyone parts
    Farewll great chapel that took away my pain
    May your spirit continue after your very last day.




    Submitted on 2006-09-26 14:21:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's a nice piece, some of the rhyming scheme changes, but I saw no errors and I thought it was very well done! ttyl chaos.
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by mikepyro7 | [ Reply to This ]
      

    There are parts of the poem that rhymed which threw me off because the rest of the poem didn't. ("Sitting contendly as the organ plays /
    Raising their voices in songs of praise," and "Everyone exits with heavy hearts /
    Final good byes as everyone parts") I think if you're going to rhyme, you should rhyme from the beginning.

    I personally prefer free-style poems, that aren't structured or rhyming, so you can be free in what you write. The rest of your poem sounds really free, and not forced, so you should probably stick to writing without trying to rhyme for now.

    I really like the line "Sobs of sorrow slip past precious mouths" because it sounds really descriptive. You should put more description in your lines, I think that would make your piece really pop! Think about not only what you see, but what you hear, smell, feel, taste. I know you might think, "What can you taste in a church?" but use your imagination...you know how after you cut grass, you smell the "greenness" of the grass? You can write, "I tasted the green of the grass" to get across what you mean. Stuff like that, be inventive! It can't hurt to try!

    I'm really glad you wrote about something that mattered to you and affected you so strongly that you wanted to write about it. Seriously, keep up with the writing, it can only get better.

    Keep on keeping on,
    TRAVWELL!
    | Posted on 2006-09-27 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]


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