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Where I Belong


Author: Toxic Rose
Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 159 /220 /97
Words: 166
Class/Type: Poetry /Romance
Total Views: 910
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 991



Description:


=]


Where I Belong



Hold me- guard me day and night from doubt that clouds my mind;
Sense me- feel my world break down as love and lust collide-
Know me- learn my weaknesses and shield them from all pain;
Love me- trust my voice and song to fall on you as rain.

I cannot speak
I cannot fear
Lest my mind senses
What my heart now fears:
That I have found my weakness,
Oh, I have found my bane-
Uncovered here for all to see
Behind a stained-glass windowpane.

That tinted glass surrounds my soul
In a vain attempt to hide my wrongs
Chaos reigning in a swirling world-
It's where I know I truly belong.

Love me- trust my voice and song to fall on you as rain;
Know me- learn my weaknesses and shield them from all pain-
Sense me- feel my world break down as love and lust collide;
Hold me- guard me day and night from doubt that clouds my mind.




Submitted on 2006-09-26 17:22:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like the parallel structure of the hold me, sense me, know me, love me, and the reverse order of it to. It's pleasing to the eye, although a bit too repeitive and I found myself skipping over it. Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm bitter or something. ;-)
"I cannot speak
I cannot fear
Lest my mind senses
What my heart now fears:"
I find the repetition of 'fear' in lines 2 and 4 a bit unecessary...perhaps you can change it up a bit. Keep writing!!!
Peace, LucyDiamond
| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
  well, no comments ...*kicks ES*

Hold me- guard me day and night from doubt that clouds my mind;
Sense me- feel my world break down as love and lust collide-
Know me- learn my weaknesses and shield them from all pain;
Love me- trust my voice and song to fall on you as rain.

I cannot speak
I cannot fear
Lest my mind senses
What my heart now fears:
That I have found my weakness,
Oh, I have found my bane-
Uncovered here for all to see
Behind a stained-glass windowpane.

That tinted glass surrounds my soul
In a vain attempt to hide my wrongs
Chaos reigning in a swirling world-
It's where I know I truly belong.

Love me- trust my voice and song to fall on you as rain;
Know me- learn my weaknesses and shield them from all pain-
Sense me- feel my world break down as love and lust collide;
Hold me- guard me day and night from doubt that clouds my mind.
alright this one's gonna be sporadic so i apologize in advance .

i loved the mechanic you used in the first and last stanzas, changing the meaning sinmply by swapping the lines around, matching them up with different prefixes to form alternate pairs that still fir the theme, message and contour of your poem.

i would always be wary of this one though. it had been tried and tried and rehashed so much in contemporary poetry, that it no longer has that WOW factor unless it is flawlessly executed nowadays, so that goes to say, that if a bit more vcabularic lividry and emotion was thrown into the mix of things in those two stanzas, i think you would have accomplished this, otherwise the last stanza especially, along with the first to a certain degree just seems like filler *shrugs*

alright, next i loved the progressive meter you had going, and how you maintined in step with you rhyme, my one MAJOR gripe was this though.

That tinted glass surrounds my soul
In a vain attempt to hide my wrongs
Chaos reigning in a swirling world-
It's where I know I truly belong.
here is what you meter/syllable count turned into.

8
9
9
9
which is fine to an extent, nothing wrong with that, but...

I cannot speak
I cannot fear
Lest my mind senses
What my heart now fears:
That I have found my weakness,
Oh, I have found my bane-
Uncovered here for all to see
Behind a stained-glass windowpane.

4
4
5
5
7
6
8
8

you switched from a predominately even-stepped tempo to a 75% odd-stepped one, which caused a noticeable change instead of a rather seamless blending, or one that was rough but quietly melded into the background of things. not gonna harp too much longer on that, but i thought that could have been better resolved.

and also, i understand your intent, but this piece sounded slightly self-absorbed, because of the recurrent use of "I". i've done the same, but i straw away from the I because there's absolutely no need to reintroduce a character into a scene of a play unless they stepped out, and...

there was no object/subject change here, that is-you never left the scene or spotlight/limelight of this poem. the same goes for future reference with words such as he, she, they, our, me, my, I, his, her, their...etceteras.

*phew* well i'm done. i apologize that this has to be your first comment, and hope i didn't rub you in the wrong way, i just see more potential in this piece than is currently shown, and want to see you shine as a poet, so if you have any questions, now or in the future, just drop me a line.

peace.
Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-09-28 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]


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