Description: Sorry if this is too emo and clichéd and sucks, i wrote what was in my head and just edited it, so sorry if it sucks, but at least tell me how to improve it
Let Me Bleed -------------------------------------------
(You grew inside me,
like a parasite
eating away my sanity)
Blood slithering down shriveled skin
past the memories and the scars.
An angel fallen from heaven into
a puddle of crimson red
and broken glass.
I see your reflection,
dancing in my blood.
I stare anyway,
severing these veins.
Carved into pallid skin,
the wounds cry out for you.
A mangled corpse
finds its resting place
upon the floor.
Sinking into the puddle,
blood-spattered and alone
hanging onto a splintered raft
in the midst of these lifeless waters
as waves of anguish pound
against a decaying mind.
Draw your blade
across my skin.
Free the thoughts
tangled up in
your seductive tentacles.
Let me drown,
let me bleed.
Hmmm...I liked it, even though it had this "emo-cliché'" thing so-to-speak...but I think that's what made it what it was. It wasn't an average poem of the emo sort, which was a relief. What is emo? A lot of people say that it's "woe is me" but, I'm not so sure anymore. Never apoligize for writing an "emo" poem. So far as I've seen, "emo" is simply a deeply felt pain put into great word imagery...as far as poetry goes. I love the images, as bloody as they are. They give this great sense of an overwhelming emotion that's haunting this particular person. My favorite one was when you wrote about how you see this person's reflection dancing in your own blood. It kinda gives this magic sense to it. Please bear with me when I try to explain this. I say it has this magic sense to it, because it reminds me of scrying. I dunno if you've ever heard of it from books you've read, but usually when people scry, they see images of the past, present, or future in water. But you made the image be seen through your own blood. It gives this sense of both sacrifice, and dark magic. Water, usually means pure or good, unless it's tainted or contaminated...blood gives the mind this sense of danger, death, and pain...and sacrifice depending on how it's used in the text itself. I get the reminder of dark magic from the fact that blood is usually considered something dark or evil, while water is something good, pure, and of life. If one is seeing or scrying out of blood, it gives this darl taste to it. Sacrifice comes in from the fact that it was your own blood. You cut yourself open to see this person's reflection. It's really deep, if you think on it. I guess to sum this all up, I'll say that there's a lot to this poem, people just have to look more closly and deeply, I think that's what poetry is truly about; making people look closer and seeing things a different way, like you said once on a critque of one of my poems. I don't think people should just comb over a write like this and label it emo and cliché'...they just need to think more, that's all. Anyway, great write, peace.
um... lets see... morally i hate it. but poeticaly it was pretty good. I wish i could come up with this kind of writing style in my poems. lol but im not as good as you. I can honestly say it brang out some sort of drowsy/gloomy feelings when i read it. i can really see the "fallen angel in the blood and broken glass". It wasnt as powerful as i would have liked it. what i mean is that it was too calm! maybe im just the violent loving type. but i didnt get any anger out of it. Just self-pity. But im pretty sure thats exactly what you wanted. well if it is you have pretty much done a great job at doing so. Ima comment on your other ones now ok?
well i do believe that your description of it or perhaps the apology was necessary... it really is a lil too emo and cliché for my liking...
too much blood!
it is possible to write about such ideas without being as graphic and vivid. this is what sets the whole anguished writing thing apart from the whole emo cutter stuff...
is this really how you feel about life? how/why did this get into your head...? it seems like a rather morbid thing to spit out onto paper if you ask me...
i like the opening thought in parenthesis... my only thing is why would you LET something eat away at your sanity...? usually sanity is what we try to maintain even if only minimally... but i like the idea of parasites and perhaps their speedy reproduction which enhances the eating of sanity i guess... the idea sets the tone of this piece i guess... gives a little insight into why there is so much blood and screwed upness and why there is a lack of hope...
but really... too much blood.
this is stacked with clichés. part of the challenge of writing is to say what you want to say about a topic that has prolly been written about a million times before but toi say it in a completely different way... to make the words your slaves... to make them do what you want them to do and to say what you want them to say and not them pouring out in clichés like everyone else before has said them... usually a cliché is a cliché because it is the best way we've found of expressing any given idea but you want to try and set yourself apart in your writing so that your cutting piece will stand out in the readers mind...
but please dont give up... please dont think im being awful in this comment... im just trying to help is all... keep up with the writing thing... see you round