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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I've Lost Herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 285
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 625
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1799



    Description:
       I've lost myself to everyone else's expectations.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI've Lost Herdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I was once beautiful and free
    I dreamed of fairytale princes
    I laughed in the light of the moon
    While I danced on wooden fences

    I found a woman today with an angry heart
    She begged me to show her the sun
    I turned around to find myself
    Then realized what I'd done

    I've lost myself
    to the dishes that don't get done
    I've lost myself
    to a disobedient son
    I've lost myself
    to a mother with disapproving eyes
    I've lost myself
    to a man who just doesn't realize
    I've lost myself
    to the sins with which I live
    I've lost myself

    Now I try to get the stamp of approval
    My husband
    My mother
    My father
    My brother
    The list may never end
    So will I ever have the approval

    Is it really so important to please
    Do I really need to satisfy them all
    If so,
    then I have really dropped the ball

    I just need to find me
    If I could just get past the piles of dirty clothes
    and the crumbs on the floor
    and the mice in my closet
    and the bed-wetting
    and the alcohol
    and the looks of disbelief
    I picture
    on everyone's face
    the day I finally speak my mind

    But I can't
    I can't let them know that I'm lost
    I can't let them know how alone I feel

    Then they would feel, bad, or mad, or sad
    And I like things on an even keel

    Why mess it up for them
    Nobody else knows that I'm lost
    I'll just be the person I've become
    And try to forget the cost




    Submitted on 2006-09-27 10:25:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think that this is really good material for a poem, all of the feeling and substance is there. In fact the subject seems more ambitious than the other two I've just commented on. However, I think that this one can gain alot from reworking. Contrary to the other two, I don't feel that the form fits the content right now, and turns it into true poetry. Probably it's more difficult. My experience is that the working of the material into form is not only esthetically pleasing but very healing and fulfilling. I would encourage you to continue on this, I think it has really great potential given your skills with words and rhythm. Best, Lerlim
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not as nice as dozer I bash the hel out of this piece with a spoon so it'll take much longer and be more annoying.Mwah ha ha! Okay I'm not gonna bash the content after all who can contend with everyone's expectations. Taking it from the top then dropping it off a really high tower. Let's establsih some abreviations first because I'm Lazy S=stanza, L=line D=drop or omit if you prefer. W=weak line or would you prefer ; ( R=replace with, I=insert

    "I was once beautiful and charismatic
    I was once happy inside
    My words once flowed with such brilliance
    I was happy with nothing to hide'

    *L2 + L4 are esentially the same line so try this on for size
    I was once beautiful and charismatic
    Once happy with nothing hidden
    My words once flowed with brillance*

    "I found a woman today with an angry heart
    She begged me to show her the sun
    I turned around to find myself
    Then realized what I'd done"
    * good job*

    I've lost myself
    to the dishes that don't get done
    I've lost myself
    to a disobedient son
    I've lost myself
    to a mother with disapproving eyes
    I've lost myself
    to a man who just doesn't realize
    I've lost myself
    to the sins with which I live
    I've lost myself
    * S3 above L8 it sound like your saying that he doesn't realize that you've lost yourself and while this amkes sense I'm not sure if you meant for it to be more of the he doesn't have a clue type of statement if so you failed, but I like this change up it streghtens this poem*

    * "what happened captin?" It appears we reached in present tense" oh okay*

    "Now I try to get the stamp of approval
    My husband
    My mother
    My father
    My brother
    The list may never end
    So will I ever have the approval"

    "Why bother" *D*

    "Is it really so important to please
    Do I really need to satisfy them all
    If so,
    then I have really dropped the ball"
    *Tense change starboard Capatin"
    Nothing to worry about lad the next stanza should put us back where we're comfortable"*

    "I really need to find me
    If I could just get past the piles of dirty clothes and the crumbs on the floor and the mice in my closet and the bed-wetting and the alcohol and the looks of disbelief
    that I picture
    on everyone's face
    the day I finally speak my mind"

    * damn take a breath woman, you'll pass out if you don't breathe betwen thoughts. Actually I htink for clarities sake these would be better broken up but for performance it has the hectic feel so keep it as is. Consider R-clothes with laundry you get a nice rhyme with a lemony scent, Well a nice rhyme anyway. I would
    D that in S6 L6
    Then backspace the I picture to equal
    "the looks of disbelief that I picture"

    "If I could, but I can't
    I can't let them know that I'm lost
    I can't let them know how alone I feel
    Then they would feel
    bad
    or mad
    or sad
    And I like things on an even keel

    *D (If I could) Then add a space after feel S7 L3
    The newly created eighth stanza now reads

    Then they would feel
    bad
    or mad
    or sad
    And I like things on an even keel

    *Just condense this it'll be soup-er later if you add water That was the cheesy wod play ever. Anywas like this*

    "Then they would feel bad, or mad, or sad
    And I like things on an even keel"

    "Why mess it up for them
    Nobody else knows that I'm lost
    I'll just be the person I've become
    And try to forget the cost" there now I need to get some sleep before i go to work so if you'll excuse me goodnight. peace





    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      We all feel sometimes that we have lost "ourselves", I know I have. So I can relate to this piece of work. Listen You're not lost you are right out there writing poems that let us all feel how we are in the same life boat off the bow of a sinking titanic, with one oar going in a circle, sometimes. I am not going to say anything critical about this piece, it is pure and I feel like you wrote is as catharsis. Just remember we are all here for pretty much the same reasons, because this is how we deal.

    Enjoy your life:)_devoted
    | Posted on 2006-09-29 00:00:00 | by devoted_dozer | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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