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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Passionate Kissdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aken Sol
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 197/204/67
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 578
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 711



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPassionate Kissdots
    -------------------------------------------


    She glistens under the lamp's light
    in a parking lot paved gray.
    As the crushed Autumn leaves pass her by,
    her lips were wet with words left not to say.

    Slowly she takes a step foward;
    my heart stops and skips a beat.
    My vision is seen through Love's red dye
    the moment before lips and lips would meet.

    Quivering anticipation,
    she shares her passionate kiss.
    And no matter how hard I would try,
    I could never have braced myself for this.

    As she breaks away from her kiss,
    I stood numbly in cover.
    Unaware I couldn't bear to cry
    while she rests in the arms of another.




    Submitted on 2006-09-28 01:27:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the overall idea of the story and the way in which the ending is revealed. The poetic aspects need work though. The rhyming format seems forced and contrived in places, such as:

    "her lips were wet with words left not to say."
    ("words left not to say" is very clumsy)

    and

    "the moment before lips and lips would meet"
    (the repetition of "lips and lips" is awkward).

    With a little re-working of the grammatical metering, this could be a masterpiece!
    | Posted on 2006-09-28 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]


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