Description: Just a little nostalgia an expanded journal. Notsure the ending fits the last stanza is perhaps a different tangent. First post in a while. let me know what you think. peace
june 16 -------------------------------------------
Moonlit streets and a heart beatbox
Warm air declaring that we are more than
sycophantic pin pricks
Drooling over syllables and smiling
Gangling
Strung together with a packet of ramen and a disposable fork
Standing in a pile of discarded prayers and piggybacking Jehovah’s witness' door to door
Wet floor
wooden
waxed
Stacks of vinyl still in sleeves
An accordion belonging to a deceased grandmother three generations previous
She kicked the bucket then continued playing stomp music on a wash basin
We began tracing our lineage with cigarette smoke
Spoken word emerged through once creased lips and syllables kissed ion charged air
Rocking chairs sat static,
Their occu-pants swayed back and forth in naked elation
The floor boards of the porch roared echoing Converse-sation
Our feet danced seeking emancipation from laces
No longer tongue tied
We find
Our minds
Running rampant
Fingers snap and hands clap as a new rap com-menses
No thought given to periods or punctuation of any kind
My diction binds and antonyms come together;
Impregnated with new meaning
Suddenly we all became sleepy
Rem-embering our dreams
Mine is to right
The wrongs of children’s songs
Composing posies in politicians pockets
We each possess the method to stop this plague
Once blindfolded by the flag
Popping a Luneste chasing the American dream and a neon butterfly
We open our eyes and realize this life is a lucid dream
One that we are forever changing
Moonlit streets and a heart beatbox Warm air declaring that we are more than sycophantic pin pricks Drooling over syllables and smiling Ganglely ( do you mean together, I think it's a typo..gangly?) Strung together with a packet of ramen and a disposable fork Standing in a pile of discarded prayers and piggybacking Jehovah’s witness' door to door (I love this!)
Wet floor wooden waxed Stacks of vinyl still in sleeves An accordion belonging to a deceased grandmother three generations previous She kicked the bucket then continued playing stomp music on a wash basin
I have an idea that binds grandma and the vinyl:
Stack of vinyl still in sleeves proves no one really dies An accordian belonging to my grandmother three generations previous (we know she's dead right?) She kicked it, then continued playing stomp music on a wash basin.
It's pretty much all I see, though rampant is misspelled. And I think the last strophe is fine and it does fit with the theme. It's always a delight to see your work. thanks for the read,
I must agree with your own notation... the last stanza doesn't quite fit, but alas it is my favorite part...
to right the wrongs of children's songs (maybe as a play on) to write the wrongs of children's songs... maybe not?
Bash it, huh? I'll practice my bashing skills here:
She kicked the bucket and continued playing stomp music on a wash basin - I don't see how that plays into this piece and it doesn't go with the rhyme scheme... it distracted me.
Rocking chairs sat static. How does a rocking chair sit static? Okay so the world has enough smart elecks. I just think 'Rocking chairs sat ecstatic' makes more sense and rolls with your flow.
Spelling: Running rampant
And that is the best bashing I can give it!
I do like it... rightfully labeled nostalgia... it has that feel. As always you flow beautifully and your play on words is outstanding!
I enjoyed this piece greatly, can't find a reason to bash it, but I can be more specific on that which I ejoyed from this piece.
I liked the instances where you used hyphons, ie:
"Rem-embering"
i think there were only two, but they were pretty well placed once I got the point.
The only bit of the piece I didn't thoroughly enjoy was the last bit about lunesta which caught me as preachy, i don't know why, and I'm certain it wasn't intended to be, but that's just the feel I got.
Other than that, it was spot on, sorry I've done no bashing.
Submission Name: june 16
