She is liquid day
an avenue of wind
a consuming sound
leaving pages of
burning secrets for
his growing bouquet
he will crack under Her tongue
glass bombs slicing skin
bruises build wild around him
a battery of harsh blue-blackness
a cloak of sharded insults
he's learning to hate Her
to resent the way Her skirt
falls against the cream of
thighs tight with youth
he's starting to map the
click of Her shoes on his
linoleum, scratched and
darkened with pressure and
aging, weather-worn regrets
She is bright white--
a skeleton key in
206 interlocking pieces
a carefully transposed
bend in his road
if he watches Her eyes closely
he can see morning coming
whoa....that part really grabbed me. You know, i've just read this through and through several times, and that third stanza cements my opinion that you indeed are true poet of the highest order. There's not a comma out of place in one of your writes. You have total command of tone and tempo. Those commas in S3 simultaneously create pause and a sort of run-on-sentence fluidity. Its brilliant really.
Now...a poet of your tact and accumen doesn't just capitalize Her and not him....on a whim. I remember a junior high school teacher of mine once insisting that the word 'God' should always be capitalized to show respect and reverence. And so it goes.
Your poetry is better than most on this site. i mean...there's a reason i sneak around...reading You
Yay! You finally posted something! It's not my favorite, but it's new and it's good. I loved the description of mapping the click of her heels--like a five-year-old listening for the babysitter in the hall. And also, calling her a skeleton key; she controls everything. Lovely. Your description is lush. I'd really, really like to see you try prose. Really.
a battery of harsh blue-blackness in this line, i thought that blue-blackness sounded not so commonplace as the other phrases in this piece...well
it seemed irregular due to the fact of you using one color to distinguish and equally describe another color when referring to bruises, but wrote it as a stand-alone sunject *shrugs* i don't know, perhaps just a personal preference.
other than that, this piece made it to my fave list before the poem was finished being read, or the comment was even conceived.
i loved the ocndensed form here, and the aire of this mood you've generated for the reader, with a pace in your words and tone to match.
your descriptions and metaphor just really hit home w/me...and i commend you for that, its not oft that anyone's poetry does anymore...*shrugs*.
and so-i apologize for providing such a lackluster comment, but that is all, ah yes-and kudos on the title ...
Submission Name: Umbrage
in this line, i thought that blue-blackness sounded not so commonplace as the other phrases in this piece...well
...