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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Umbragedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1051
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 886



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUmbragedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She is liquid day
    an avenue of wind
    a consuming sound
    leaving pages of
    burning secrets for
    his growing bouquet

    he will crack under Her tongue
    glass bombs slicing skin
    bruises build wild around him
    a battery of harsh blue-blackness
    a cloak of sharded insults

    he's learning to hate Her
    to resent the way Her skirt
    falls against the cream of
    thighs tight with youth
    he's starting to map the
    click of Her shoes on his
    linoleum, scratched and
    darkened with pressure and
    aging, weather-worn regrets

    She is bright white--
    a skeleton key in
    206 interlocking pieces
    a carefully transposed
    bend in his road


    if he watches Her eyes closely
    he can see morning coming




    Submitted on 2006-09-30 17:25:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "thighs tight with youth"

    whoa....that part really grabbed me. You know, i've just read this through and through several times, and that third stanza cements my opinion that you indeed are true poet of the highest order. There's not a comma out of place in one of your writes. You have total command of tone and tempo. Those commas in S3 simultaneously create pause and a sort of run-on-sentence fluidity. Its brilliant really.

    Now...a poet of your tact and accumen doesn't just capitalize Her and not him....on a whim. I remember a junior high school teacher of mine once insisting that the word 'God' should always be capitalized to show respect and reverence. And so it goes.

    Your poetry is better than most on this site. i mean...there's a reason i sneak around...reading You

    later,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Yay! You finally posted something! It's not my favorite, but it's new and it's good. I loved the description of mapping the click of her heels--like a five-year-old listening for the babysitter in the hall. And also, calling her a skeleton key; she controls everything. Lovely. Your description is lush. I'd really, really like to see you try prose. Really.

    Mel

    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      a battery of harsh blue-blackness
    in this line, i thought that blue-blackness sounded not so commonplace as the other phrases in this piece...well

    it seemed irregular due to the fact of you using one color to distinguish and equally describe another color when referring to bruises, but wrote it as a stand-alone sunject *shrugs* i don't know, perhaps just a personal preference.

    other than that, this piece made it to my fave list before the poem was finished being read, or the comment was even conceived.

    i loved the ocndensed form here, and the aire of this mood you've generated for the reader, with a pace in your words and tone to match.

    your descriptions and metaphor just really hit home w/me...and i commend you for that, its not oft that anyone's poetry does anymore...*shrugs*.

    and so-i apologize for providing such a lackluster comment, but that is all, ah yes-and kudos on the title ...

    peace
    Loquacious Tom
    | Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      
    longing,

    wild-child delusions
    transported to faerie realms
    of fake wizards and elves,
    all dreaming of

    life doomed to static
    and failure; yes, I was a boy
    skipping stones over the idea
    of freedom from everything

    worthwhile.


    (there is hope?)
    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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    120106

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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