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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: letters to a ladydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Someones Epiphany
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 4454/2106/161
    Words: 294
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1589
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1868



    Description:
       to, for and about my dad...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsletters to a ladydots
    -------------------------------------------


    i

    he thought of me and sang.
    i have that effect on people.
    even myself.
    especially myself.

    "if i were a carpenter
    and you were a lady
    would you marry me anyway..."

    i never said the songs were appropriate
    i never could be a lady.

    alcohol makes us believe.
    he believes he sounds like Bob Dylan when he sings when in reality he makes Dylan (who sounds like a tractor out of oil at the best of times) sound good and i believe i could build him a throne from the tower of babel and call him god...

    i believe

    i never said i was appropriate.




    ii

    i never said i was appropriate

    walking with eyes closed
    living the dream

    i'd love to give you my heart
    but im half indian among other things
    (namely heartless)

    waiting for sleep with open eyes

    i never said i was appropriate
    sighs quietly added like an epitaph

    all the grieving voices within grew silent


    iii

    all the grieving voices within grew silent

    "if i were a carpenter
    and you were a lady
    would you marry me anyway..."

    i still believe though the tower of babel throne has been worn down by life and time i still believe though dreams of granduer have been lead astray by alcohol and rumours of epitaphs i still believe

    and i catch him singing every now and then though his lungs betray him as well as his faith

    i still believe

    the same world that elated and enchanted me also left me broken

    i never said i was appropriate
    he never said i was a lady




    Submitted on 2006-09-30 23:24:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow this is beautiful. i cant really say much because i feel weird critiquing people that seem so much more in touch with themselves than i am.
    | Posted on 2007-10-27 00:00:00 | by EEKS | [ Reply to This ]
      "...though the tower of babel throne..." - to "the throne from the tower of babel"? Or something else, because the 'tower of babel throne' is sort of off, clumsy-sounding.

    I like it. The repetitions work very well, and there's this "alcohol-induced ranting" feel to it, the 'waiting for sleep with open eyes' and all.

    Makes me think that this is what the person in 'when broken feels like whole' would be thinking.
    | Posted on 2007-06-21 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      oh man this one made me laugh a couple of times and then i started to cry
    it made me want to reach through the computer an give you a hug an say something to you to make you laugh

    i can relate so much to this poem my childhood for the most part was a complete nightmare there were some good times don't get me wrong but they were few and far between
    take care hun
    i'm going to bring this one over to my page i want kelly and duff to read it's heart felt on both levels of happy and sad well done jayde
    | Posted on 2007-05-12 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
      Did I not comment on this before? I must say i love the sarcasm- if i were a carpenter and u a lady.... then the talk of tower of babel, the effects of drinking. "i have that effect on people, especially myself. reminds me of sumone i know.Anyway, in more than what i have said this is one of those 1 of a kind poems you meet now and then. good.
    | Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]
      So... I just read this again... actually, twice again. And... well... I changed my mind about my favorite piece of yours. This is my favorite piece of yours. Ever. Period. I think the middle section gets a bit distracted, but in all, I think this is absolute perfection. I mean, wow. I really love. Those last two lines... wow wow wow wow...

    And I knew that comment was Angelo's before I scrolled far enough to see the name... lol Where is he?!

    Anyway... *sigh* Jaydee, I want you to know I really appreciate your poetry.

    Some of your lines will be with me all week, and I'll end up quoting them randomly at people.

    justin (again)
    | Posted on 2007-01-07 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      Btw, I'm back! And I see you have some new things . I really love this piece, it has a certain rhythm to it that just keeps me moving from line to line, great use of repetition here also, both exact repetitions and figurative/thematic ones. I'm not going to do a line by line nitpick, I think it speaks for itself quite well, a beautiful piece from you ;)
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by ziska | [ Reply to This ]
      I sat back and read this a couple of times. It made me laugh at times and it made me choke back a tear too. I bet your dad was a great person or still is , no harm was ment. This was one of the better poem I have read on this site!!! Great write!
    Kelley frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Cool that you used that song (done by everyone from Hank Williams to Johnny Cash).

    alcohol makes us believe.
    he believes he sounds like Bob Dylan when he sings when in reality he makes Dylan (who sounds like a tractor out of oil at the best of times) sound good and i believe i could build him a throne from the tower of babel and call him god...

    i believe

    I love how you say alcohol makes us believe. It does make it a hell of a lot easier to delude yourself. I love the bit about Bob because I think most of my favorite musicians can't sing (Bob, Leonard Cohen, Conor Oberst). I do think breaking that up might be effective, but the run-on thing is cool too.

    You have a wee typo in grandeur.

    Love and hugs,
    Amy
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I have read this piece for many days now... I love the words you chose "I never said I was appropriate." I truly love them. Your dad is outlined in this, in the beginning, as so loved, it spills over the lines. I guess this sounds weird, but remember being so little and the "dad" or father-figure was more than just that... his attention was everything, his word was the gospel, and every shred of attention made you the biggest, most important person in the world. That's how I read this. Not a sexual thing, but in that enchanted child way of superman being the man you want to grow up and marry, without ever [censored] him... does that make sense? You write beautifully, and forgive the comment if I'm off here... I never said I was appropriate ;)
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece reminds me of a lot of things... motels, boys bathrooms, alleys on Saturday mornings, roof tops on Friday nights, taxis, Audrey Hepburn from My Fair Lady... and other notions of crude beauty.

    I like the dirtiness of this piece. Very... uhm... cowgirl-ish. It's the kind that you could hit with a mallet, run over with a truck and [censored]slap for a hundred times but still remain, if not better, as alluring as it was. Add a little beer and...

    wouldn't that be loverly?

    You know that I've always been a fan of your work, right? There is always of great deal of human frailty in them that anyone can relate to. And you fashion them so well...

    I hope that your dad get's better.

    Ah [censored]... words... words... words...

















































































































































































































































    I feel like a powerless drama queen.
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      well, honestly I have been coming back and reading this a few times since you posted it and it is still STUNNING! "If a tinker were my trade, would you still find me..."

    I love this piece, but honestley outside of that and the fact that you qouted a song that has way to much sentimental value for me I have nothing I can say about this piece. and honestley I feel like if I did this is one of those pieces I don't deserve the right to comment on.
    I just wanna say you know I love ya, and feel free to drop me a line if you ever need to rant bout something, take care !
    -John
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      jesus. i'm stunned. this is one of the best things i've read all year. I like the structure and the power of each part. your voice is so confident in this piece. amazing.
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes Jaydee,

    You do...have that effect on people, and you are a lady.

    This piece is like a fine wine that gets better with age and whenever I hear the song "If I were a carpenter and you were a lady..." from now on, I will think of you...I believe.

    Donn
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      Well with great hesitation I comence my comment...just remember you asked for it.

    This for me was like a 10 read poem. I keep pulling more out of it each time I read it. It grows on me a little more each time.

    At first the first stanza is really akward because you are here and there seemingly changing subjects with every stanza and sentence. Which is one of the reasons this is a ten read poem. However, this stanza elucidates as you sift through the remaining stanzas.

    The first stanza has that almost overly casual conversational air that you posses. Followed by the stanza with the song lyrics (although I dont know and have never heard the song)

    ""if i were a carpenter
    and you were a lady
    would you marry me anyway..."

    Which left me thinking, why would a father sing a song about marrying his daughter, that kinda wrong...so I was almost irritated a little when I read the line..."I never said the songs were appropriate", and learned the joke was on me.

    So I almost didnt know how to feel about it up to now, but I think you acheived the desired effect.

    onward.

    alcohol makes us believe.
    he believes he sounds like Bob Dylan when he sings when in reality he makes Dylan (who sounds like a tractor out of oil at the best of times) sound good ...

    This stanza I was like OK, description of your dad. Alchohol is a factor. Though drunk poeple thinking they can sing is very cute.

    The "sound good" did bother me becuase I know you can describe how your dad makes dylan sound better than "good" you just can follow up a description like "tracter ran out of oil" with "good" cmon J you can do better.

    i believe i could build him a throne from the tower of babel and call him god...

    My favorite part of the poem is this line, it repitition, and change. There is so much in this little line...oh the implications. Im afraid even to get started. And I wont because Im not even through your first stanza and look how much Ive said already. Ill just say this is my favorite line of the poem, it great, it the highlight, it (for me) makes the poem.

    Onward, though I must be brief from here because it is getting late and mourning comes to soon.
    ok im just gonna break the second stanza down line by line, because I dont know what else to do. Besides say nothing. Im sorry J, but parts of this stanza just kinda rub me wrong, Im not sure why.

    i never said i was appropriate

    walking with eyes closed
    living the dream (living the dream sounds cliché' to me, however the way you say it here is definitly new and sheds a new light on it so I think you get away with it, because you are living it with your eyes closed, like your whole dream is nothing but a big illusion, its all in your head, your ignorant, and this all is very interesting.)

    i'd love to give you my heart
    but im half indian among other things
    (namely heartless)

    (this is the part that bugs me I guess- Id love to give you my heart but im half indian, Ive heard of an indian giver and I assume that is what your refering too, unless I am completely missing sometthing, which isnt at all unlikely, but if Im right what are you trying to say because if its because you are afraid or scared why dont you say that instead, and "among other things (namely heartless) I dont know, I guess I just didnt feel this part, meh, enough said)
    waiting for sleep with open eyes ( I like you parralleling of lines here with the other eyes shut line from above, that was a nice usage of poetic devices there that was)

    i never said i was appropriate
    sighs quietly added like an epitaph

    all the grieving voices within grew silent(the rest of this I like, but dont have anything intellegent to say about, though you may argue that I am yet to say anything intellegent at all, meh!


    The last stanza is great. I have no critiques of it. For the sake of (to late I know) brevity I wont go like by line. I love how you bring us back to your father again. He seems so human and frail in this stanza, a contrast from the first stanza where he is more like super dad. Which is also a reflection of our view of fathers and your view and experience of your father right now as he is going thrue what he is going thrue.
    Very interesting that is.

    i still believe though the tower of babel throne has been worn down by life and time i still believe though dreams of granduer have been lead astray by alcohol and rumours of epitaphs i still believe

    and i catch him singing every now and then though his lungs betray him as well as his faith

    Ilove this part. Although I think you could do with out the "as well as his faith". Whatever. thought, it doesnt loose the effect. Yes I love this part. This caps it off so perfectly. I almost think it should end here.

    Well there you go. My longest comment ever. Hope you dont mind the critiques, I know this was about you father, it is from your heart and this isnt nessacerily about being as poetic as perfectly possible. So whatever. Those are my thoughts.
    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      This is the first piece of yours that I've read and I know nothing at all about you, so I'm coming to what sounds like an autobiographical poem completely blind. Which can be a good thing.

    Your poem has a bittersweet taste to it, maybe a little more bitter than sweet. You start with the usual little girl's love for her daddy, but, as with most of us, maturity, cynicism and, in your (family's) case, it sounds like alcoholism brought disillusionment.

    I find interesting that your repeated phrases, I never said I was appropriate and I never said I was/could be a lady, were about yourself and not about your dad. I'm only guessing here, but to me it seems as though those were phrases that you grew up hearing about yourself, maybe from your dad. That wasn't appropriate and try to act like a lady. And now, as an adult, you're trying to justify to him or whomever why it's okay to be the you that you are.

    The language, style and form of the poem were spot on. Nicely done.

    Now, I'm probably totally offbase here, but it was an interesting exercise, anyway. Thanks for sharing. mae
    | Posted on 2006-10-01 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I've enjoyed everything I've ever read of your's Jaydee, because you have such a langauge about the way you write, an underlying sarcasm that's constantly proding emotions as well as thought. This piece is certainly not exempt.

    I love the repetition of "i never said i was appropriate" and the "never could be/never said i was a lady." Their reoccurences really... I'm not sure, but I like that they do.
    I really liked the prose pieces, and how they fit so perfectly into the piece. It didn't throw off the rest of the poetry at all, and I don't, I found their (the prose') fast pacing amongst the broken up poetry really effective.

    walking with eyes closed
    living the dream

    i'd love to give you my heart
    but im half indian among other things
    (namely heartless)


    I really like this part. You already knew that, but, I just wanted to say it again. I like how "dream" and "things" almost rhyme. I'm sure that was unintentional, but I really liked it, as I am fond of almost rhymes.

    Now, I think your intention here may be to give this part a greater pace, but, I think it needs some commas for clarification, as well as grammer rule.

    i still believe[,] though the tower of babel throne has been worn down by life and time[,] i still believe[,] though dreams of granduer have been lead astray by alcohol and rumours of epitaphs[,] i still believe

    Well, the more I think about it, you probably don't need the two commas before the "though"s. But I think the other two are necassary.



    Yeah Jaydee, I see why you were excited about this one. I'm fairly sure it's my favorite of your recent posts and poems I've read of yours. It has a very concise idea and follows it through. As I was talking about your voice before... well to me, this is the perfection of it. I know you are trying to stray away from it, but really, you shouldn't, cause it's wondeful and unique.

    I really liked this.

    Justin :D
    | Posted on 2006-09-30 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
      alcohol makes us believe.
    he believes he sounds like Bob Dylan when he sings when in reality he makes Dylan (who sounds like a tractor out of oil at the best of times) sound good and i believe i could build him a throne from the tower of babel and call him god...

    I really like that. It is true. A little bit a alcohol can make the ugliest thing beautiful.

    This poem is like a book, everything is at least a bit important. everything you say in the beginning ends up being used or repearted after. I think that it enphisizes what you are trying to say. I truely admire the fact that you used lines from taht song. Lets just hope you gave proper reginition. I don't want people taking all the rolayites from this poem!

    Don't end up like The Verve.

    Ciao bella,

    {peaces}
    | Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by GOGO1877 | [ Reply to This ]


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