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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 70 Word Short Story *void of titledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Pietro
    ASL Info:    30/m/cebu
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 298/175/36
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 757
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 434



    Description:
       untitled is way too boring.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots70 Word Short Story *void of titledots
    -------------------------------------------


    A tornado of sparkling embers spun around inside the car. The cigarette he clutched caught a gust of wind from his window; sending up clouds of ash- obscuring nothing of the view.

    He looked to his left.
    She sat there and a smile played on her face. Raindrops were forming in the windshield. He smiled too.

    There was nothing like driving cross-country in Europe, and feeling the rain there.




    Submitted on 2006-10-01 13:53:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I felt like looking at a happy, radiant couple through a blurred windshield. This piece has all the clear descriptions and yet a pleasant ambiguity. Ofcourse, seventy words can say a lot and here they do but i liked the delightful appetizing quality the most. This is just a spoonful-- may be opening of a huge travelogue. The characters look completely calm, so the tornadoes are external and minor only.

    Raindrops forming on the windshield is such a universal experience. This piece wakes up wonderful memories. So overall, it is delightful.
    | Posted on 2011-07-04 00:00:00 | by Kaddish | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Overall assessment? Ok, I'll try

    Yes, having no title is boring. I don't have a suggestion at the moment though.

    I find these 70 word stories you've been doing quite appealing, the idea to encapsulate so much into so little an impressive feat.

    A tornado of sparkling embers spun around inside the car. The cigarette he clutched caught a gust of wind from his window; sending up clouds of ash- obscuring nothing of the view.

    Your first sentence was great--"a tornado of sparkling embers" carries a cool image--transitioning to the second sentence of a guy smoking a cigarette. It's your end that caught me a bit--using a double negative; I'm not sure why you did it--it sounds a bit off. I think maybe you could play around with the end, give it more focus somehow.

    He looked to his left.
    She sat there and a smile played on her face. Raindrops were forming in the windshield. He smiled too.


    I like the third scene intro here--it's natural, and says everything needed. The outline of a couple, simply stated, smiling at each other... it's great. But don't you mean "on" the windshield?

    There was nothing like driving cross-country in Europe, and feeling the rain there.

    The overall view and the reason for this story... a unique macrocosm. I enjoyed this especially.

    These sort of scenes are perfect for 5 minute short films y'know... maybe with a bit more added--but the original idea here and in your other stories would be great mini-concepts to expand upon.

    You need the perfect title though. Perhaps something about Europe and rain? ...a phrase maybe, so it's not obvious? Just flinging the first idea out of my head.

    So, there you go. Yup. I thought this piece was cool.
    Peace,

    Jase

    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      "So I read the first line and I was like, " a tornado of sparkling embers spun around inside the car", and I was like, wow that is an interesting description, I wonder what he could be describing. Probably a cigarette, I thought to myself. Then I went on..."the cigarrette he clutched caught..."YES! Im brilliant, I thought to myself...

    Anyways, great opening description. I am a firm believer in opening a piece stongly (is that even a word) is sets a precidence for what follows and you do that here.

    "sending up clouds of ash- obscuring nothing of the view."

    I have a pet pieve about negative descitions such as the second half of this line. Maybe you wont see it this way, but...the first half is fine "sends up clouds of ash..." ok, a fine description. But the second half "obscruring nothing of the view" ...why tell me something doesnt obscure the view, why not tell me what it does do. Whatever, take it or leave it.

    Onward.

    He looked to his left.
    She sat there and a smile played on her face. Raindrops were forming in the windshield. He smiled too.

    I really like this staza. Its a poleriod, and there is so much here. "a smile played on her face" I love that. Raindrops. He smiles.

    I dont know what it is but I feel very present in this stanza. Well done.

    Anyways. Nice piece. I enjoyed.


    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]


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