Love; From the statue by dark lover

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Submission Name: Love; From the statue dots

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Author:	dark lover
ASL Info:	18/F/moving to arizona
Elite Ratio:	2.2 - 149/179/72
Words:	81

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	186
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	590

Description:
just something i wrote that reminds me of a book i love

Love; From the statue dots

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Shove me away
Forget I'm real
Remember I'm made
of stone and steel.
Because I'm lifeless
Because I'm cold
I'll stay young,
while you get old.
Forever isn't long enough
to hold you in my granite touch
remember my mercury eyes
when it gets to be too much.

How does it feel
my icy heart
wrapping you tight
when you fall apart,
the love i give you
as you waste away
remember I'm here
never changing
everyday.

Submitted on 2006-10-03 12:58:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  huh loved it all over keep writting
| Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by ty | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really an incredible write
This write drew me right back to my Childhood when I used to believe and actually in some cases still do that inadament objects can feel emotion and that they do have feelings just like you and I
I used to always believe that and still remember sitting alone in a cold room around 4 with a teddy bear talking away as he was my only friend
As I said this write is very well written and I dont know if that was the feelings you were going for but that is what came to me reading this
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Excellent. I loved the very creative idea and the wording. The imagery is priceless and the flow is perfect. Expressionism is your stronger side it seems. Thumbs up.
| Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
  I thought you very successfully conveyed a feeling of mystery, coldness and threat, combined at the same time with a promise of constancy of being there for the person.
I give a lot of importance to rhyme and meter. In general I thought your poem was well worked out from that point of view. However, each time I read it allowed I trip on the line "remember my mercury eyes". To get it as tetrameter you need this strong stress clash between "my" and "mer". This might be worth reworking. In the same vein, though less strong, the change of rhythm in the last two lines of the poem might be thought about again. Though of course, a change at closure is sometimes welcome.
| Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
  this feels right, it has a silky smooth flow but the look was iffy, to me it looked like the senteces were cut in half or is it just me?
but all in all very intersting (I hate using that word but it was)
could you possibly have written that I am (where applicable) instead of I'm.
NICE
| Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by moggy | [ Reply to This ]
  this feels right, it has a silky smooth flow but the look was iffy, to me it looked like the senteces were cut in half or is it just me?
but all in all very intersting (I hate using that word but it was)
could you possibly have written that I am (where applicable) instead of I'm.
NICE
| Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by moggy | [ Reply to This ]
  Love it keep on writing
| Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by Black-Death | [ Reply to This ]

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