Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Another Metaphordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rememberplaydoh
    Elite Ratio:    4.21 - 78/102/60
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 588
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 448



    Description:
       Yet another (unique) metaphor for love. Still looking for a title... Suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnother Metaphordots
    -------------------------------------------


    My beautiful bar of soap,
    your scent is soft and sweet
    and your shape so charming,
    I think I'll call you Love.

    You cleanse my filthy world,
    making all bright and clean,
    adding a blissful fragrance
    to otherwise dull and weary days.

    But, ah, I must be careful
    not to hold you too tight,
    for if I try to constrain you
    you will surely slip from my grasp.




    Submitted on 2006-10-03 17:24:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The thing about it is that the more you use a bar of soap, the thinner it gets. And there will come a time when holding it would actually result into breaking it in half.

    Well, I guess that could be an effective analogy since there is a certain mortality in true love... especially when you get so close to a person that you get to wash his/her ass.

    The soap may not last but the fact that the soap actually washed you cannot be erased by anything in this world.

    I sort of like the playfulness of this. And for some reason, I felt drawn to that simple yet eccentricly used line... "I think I'll call you Love." There is something richly detached about that line. Something so... official that it appears as though something so stiff has been unnerved.

    It's like something that Remedios the Beauty of Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude would say.

    Anyway... keep writing.

    Ciao.
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't see how a bar of soap could literally make all 'bright', maybe shiny or scintilliant at best, but not bright. I also think you should add the 'a' between adding blissful and finally my suggestions for your last stanza are:
    "But, ah! I must be careful
    not to hold you too tightly with
    my hands, for if I try to constrain you,
    you will surely slip away. "

    Although you could switch constrain for confine.. or another con- word. and you could also just not follow my suggestions.. I realized midway that they weren't beautifying the poem's general aesthetics.. But, I think you and I both know what the title of this piece should be. And the type, to me, seemed a little satirical/comic because your life has gotten to the point where soap means hope. Ha! That might be a good title 'Soap, means hope' or something of the sort.. Anyhow I am being all too garrulous so!
    Yours truely,
    Outlaw-ed
    P.S: All that you want is to critisize .... it for all it's worth...
    | Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    120441

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Searchers written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Spray Paint the Pearly Gates written by HisNameIsNoMore
    After Rain written by Torie
    el paraiso que se entiende al momento de la muerte written by MyPeriodical
    March to the Block written by HisNameIsNoMore
    ./*.*./*.*./*. written by MEGASWELL
    The Charlatan Tree written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The america that I remember written by TheStillSilence
    4AM New York written by TheStillSilence
    Ramble Rumble Tumble Jumble written by MEGASWELL
    On September Lips written by HisNameIsNoMore
    [-_-_-] written by MEGASWELL
    Sick on written by MEGASWELL
    To the Poets written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Elemental Love written by rememberplaydoh
    ¡!¡!¡!¡!¡!¡ written by MEGASWELL
    Saviors and Storms written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hooked on a feeling written by OneDarkFlame92
    Coming Back.. Again written by informations
    Me Verses written by cornonthekob
    Terrified part two written by MyPeriodical
    proclamations to the void written by cornonthekob
    *)*(*)*(*)*(* written by MEGASWELL
    Entrapment written by rememberplaydoh
    Taos written by MyPeriodical
    Only One You written by Darkwarrior
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Reflection written by MyPeriodical
    30/Om written by rememberplaydoh
    Reflected Selves written by rememberplaydoh

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry