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Another Metaphor


Author: rememberplaydoh
Elite Ratio:    4.19 - 78 /103 /60
Words: 70
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1265
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 448



Description:


Yet another (unique) metaphor for love. Still looking for a title... Suggestions?


Another Metaphor



My beautiful bar of soap,
your scent is soft and sweet
and your shape so charming,
I think I'll call you Love.

You cleanse my filthy world,
making all bright and clean,
adding a blissful fragrance
to otherwise dull and weary days.

But, ah, I must be careful
not to hold you too tight,
for if I try to constrain you
you will surely slip from my grasp.




Submitted on 2006-10-03 17:24:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  The thing about it is that the more you use a bar of soap, the thinner it gets. And there will come a time when holding it would actually result into breaking it in half.

Well, I guess that could be an effective analogy since there is a certain mortality in true love... especially when you get so close to a person that you get to wash his/her ass.

The soap may not last but the fact that the soap actually washed you cannot be erased by anything in this world.

I sort of like the playfulness of this. And for some reason, I felt drawn to that simple yet eccentricly used line... "I think I'll call you Love." There is something richly detached about that line. Something so... official that it appears as though something so stiff has been unnerved.

It's like something that Remedios the Beauty of Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude would say.

Anyway... keep writing.

Ciao.
| Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't see how a bar of soap could literally make all 'bright', maybe shiny or scintilliant at best, but not bright. I also think you should add the 'a' between adding blissful and finally my suggestions for your last stanza are:
"But, ah! I must be careful
not to hold you too tightly with
my hands, for if I try to constrain you,
you will surely slip away. "

Although you could switch constrain for confine.. or another con- word. and you could also just not follow my suggestions.. I realized midway that they weren't beautifying the poem's general aesthetics.. But, I think you and I both know what the title of this piece should be. And the type, to me, seemed a little satirical/comic because your life has gotten to the point where soap means hope. Ha! That might be a good title 'Soap, means hope' or something of the sort.. Anyhow I am being all too garrulous so!
Yours truely,
Outlaw-ed
P.S: All that you want is to critisize .... it for all it's worth...
| Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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