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    dots Submission Name: *My Last Wishdots

    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 828
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 490


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots*My Last Wishdots

    Im here and you are there
    I love you but you dont care
    I guess thats the way life is
    Crisis after crisis after crisis

    Im living with this disease
    And im praying for some help please
    For you to come and rescue me
    And answer to at least one plea

    Help me enjoy my last few days
    And to have fun in many ways
    But i know you too well
    So i better not dwell
    On what would be
    My one last wish

    Submitted on 2006-10-03 18:42:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Also, one more quick comment:

    Your picture contains a quote that says "a poet can survive anything but a misprint" yet you leave out 's in your poem, you might want to add tham as not to contradict yourself.
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      Your suggested comments are unspecified, so I hope you don't mind if I say what's on my mind and then make a few suggustions.

    I agree with the others, the idea is very good, but the structure and wording needs some revision. This is one of those ideas that comes out in poems quite a bit and in order for yours to overcome the rest it needs to be fantastic, currently, I believe it is in the beginning stages of that. With some revision it can rise above the test... just give it another look over.

    Also "I love you" is highly over-used, perhaps start by changing it to "Im here and you are there/my love is true, you don't care/maybe that's the way life is/crisis after crisis"
    Just an idea. You want to avoid the usage of words such as 'I guess' and repetittion of a word more than twice in a row.

    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by orange | [ Reply to This ]
      A picture of one dying while they await one last reach out from a loved one, which they feel will not come. Hopeless, desolate and alone is what the reader sees in this write.
    A little revising will make a good poem for you have painted the picture well.

    | Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a good meaning behind it, but I believed it could of been better structured. No offence or anything.

    It was also rather shore and simple. But , practice makes perfect ! so keep writing

    -- Jason Clement
    | Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]
      Rhyme scheme seems rather amateur. Also, is it really that hard to type out the word 'you?' You're putting your poetry on this site for people to critique and enjoy it, the least you could do is type out words rather than use chat speak.

    | Posted on 2006-10-03 00:00:00 | by Stygian | [ Reply to This ]

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