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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A waste, a barren land infertiledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 63
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 753
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 411



    Description:
       


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    dotsA waste, a barren land infertiledots
    -------------------------------------------


    A waste, a barren land infertile,
    My soul is battered by dry winds;
    The seeds he dropped bring forth no myrtle,
    The slashing sleet my love rescinds.

    His cutting words, a hollow gale,
    Echo in my winter mind,
    Stormy hammer, icy nail,
    Patient through my body grind

    To douse the fire: ‘The sight of you
    In me arouses no desire.’




    Submitted on 2006-10-04 08:11:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like your choice of words, pretty unique love poem. I like the rhyme scheme the best, you used alot of good words to rhyme with.

    -tma
    | Posted on 2006-12-09 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      Did you want the meter to be consistent I notice the first and
    third lines of the first stanza have an extra half foot in them
    [bring forth] might be changed to (sprout) and while not precisely
    the same (sere) might sub for [barren], this would give you clean
    four foot lines.

    but to be honest I prefer the sonics the way you have them the
    poem is harsh as is, your choices of barren and bring forth soften
    it just a tad whereas sere, and sprout are somewhat harsher
    and I myself and not a stickler for meter unless one sets out
    to do a proper sonnet or other form poem then I like to see it
    done right.
    Dale

    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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