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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Connectiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 937



    Description:
       I'm sure judgement will abound once this is read... unless you've been in the situation you can't possibly understand. I am past this now... no sympathy necessary. Just an honest critique would be appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Connectiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    The connection is broken
    so the words that are spoken
    are meaningless at best
    I won't let you speak
    for my heart is too weak
    and my soul just needs to rest
    I want you know
    but I can't let it show
    because too many times in the past
    you've used what I say
    and pushed me away
    and counted my dreams as last
    So these are things that I will hide
    for only I understand
    that I love you and miss you
    and wish I could kiss you
    despite the abuse from your hands
    I need your love
    and seek from above
    for God to enlighten me still
    And all I can do
    is pray for us two
    and wait upon His will
    And dream at night
    of you holding me tight
    and never an angry word spoken
    And live in a way
    that clings to the day
    before the connection was broken




    Submitted on 2006-10-04 13:34:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Again, I think this poem is really very good. Both elaborate in the rhyming and rhythm, but without at all feeling forced, unnatural or stilted, it just flows easily when I read it aloud, with pleasant minor variation. I'm very impressed.
    I really like "counted my dreams as last". One minor point: I suppose it is "I want you TO know". Thanks again for a really nice poem!
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
      who are we to judge you. i doubt anyone on this site knows you. and we'll all probably broke up with someone and wish that we had them back no matter how they treated us. i really enjoyed this one. keep it up
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      I cast judment upon thee! hahaha okay so your Honeslty my first serious relationship wa s abusive she kept breaking it off and i kept going back util she scarred me to deep to heal and I began dying from self loathing and unwillingness to forgive myself. anyway It's understandable you've shared time and your comfortable. You've got to learn to love yourself enough to know how you should be treated and once you love yourself doors will open. anyway I've been there and you leaving I think was a step in the write direction.

    Fine I'll comment on the poem and shut up about it's content. jeesh you so demanding
    haha

    For starters i suggest dropping the for in this line "for my heart is too weak" it doesn't add anything except and extra syllable. why are there no line breaks in this broken connection let's insert a few for fun and break it into stanzas. the first one i'll try is here and you can't take or leave this all as usual.
    "The connection is broken
    so the words that are spoken
    are meaningless at best
    I won't let you speak
    for my heart is too weak
    and my soul just needs to rest

    I want you know
    but I can't let it show
    because too many times in the past
    you've used what I say
    and pushed me away
    and counted my dreams as last

    So these are things that I will hide
    for only I understand
    that I love you and miss you
    and wish I could kiss you
    despite the abuse from your hands

    * try dropping the that in the third line immediately above this comment bringing it to six sylabbles like the line beneath it; the forth from above this*

    I need your love
    and seek from above
    for God to enlighten me still
    And all I can do
    is pray for us two
    and wait upon His will

    *a break here helps your rhythm I'd change the And below to I though to keep it sensical* I made that word Up oh well. I'd also drop the and in this line "and never an angry word spoken"

    And dream at night
    of you holding me tight
    and never an angry word spoken
    And live in a way
    that clings to the day
    before the connection was broken

    what about your will? We each are given the power to create our reality. Every day we each create our own worlds. peace. i feel ya XXXXX
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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