Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Driving Lessondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 617
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 800



    Description:
       Just for fun


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDriving Lessondots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mommy let me drive today
    although I'm only three
    She put me in the driver's seat
    then turned and said to me

    "You can drive the car today
    just hold on to the wheel"
    She stood back and I took off
    and let the tires squeal

    I passed a man with a walking stick
    He smiled and said "Hi there"
    I kept my eyes on the road ahead
    The wind whipped in my hair

    I looked out the window and saw a girl
    with a big red lollipop
    So I tried to hit the brakes
    because I wanted the car to stop

    My quarter ran out just in time
    and I said to mom with a grin
    "Next time we come to Wal-Mart,
    can I drive the car again?"




    Submitted on 2006-10-04 13:42:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      lol Aww thats so cute. It made me laugh.
    I kept picturing a little kid driving a car.
    I thought I saw a dog driving a car once, but it turned out that the driver was just leaning back and the dog was on his lap. It was disappointing.
    lol Anyway, I enjoyed the surprise ending.
    This is written wonderfully too.

    You're very talented.

    Good stuff
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting way of reflection the expience of childhood as an adult when I was little they didn't have a walmart here or cart shaped like cars or carts with tv showcasing dora the explorer or bob the builder. In any case I won't was to much of your time reminissing. On to bussiness. I'm sorry i can't spell anyway in your poem you have gone for a bit more free for and it works for the most part hear are my only concerns

    "and turned to say to me" + "as the wind whipped in my hair"

    In both these lines you are going for the rhyme and it's more free form however i think you'd benifit here from rewording.

    And turned to say to me simply seems a bit off i'd use said instead of say, I'm no grammer marvel but it seems better tense wise.

    As for the next part
    You used seven sylables in the two lines previous "He smiled and said "Hi there" In this line there are eight" "as the wind whipped in my hair" It's a subtle difference that I wouldn't adress except seven would mess up the rythm less plus it's an easy fix. Unless your apposed to dropping as from the phrase, i'd do just that it doesn't appear to help steer the driver towards their goal and the current flow causes tailgating so I'd just drop it it's not part of your ryhme and rather meaningless I tend to bable and digress sorry again. peace



    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    120544

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry