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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 'Round the Firedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 199
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 755
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1301



    Description:
       No matter where any us roam to, this fire is the cornerstone of our family... I do feel like the end is lacking... suggestions, yes, please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots'Round the Firedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The wind carries the smoke
    to far away places.
    The flame leaps up
    and time erases
    the good and the bad
    and the stuff in the middle,
    and suddenly we all feel kinda' little;
    like all of the worries that weigh us down
    don't even matter 'cuz here peace is found,
    in the simple company of family and friends,
    where the real world stops
    and our world begins.
    The cats and the dogs all look for a seat;
    all under our feet, just searching for heat.
    Each story of the week
    leads to stories from another.
    He's laughing.
    She's crying.
    I'm getting over a lover.
    Consoling dear mother...
    hassling big brother.
    The fire just pulls us close to each other.
    The negative words are no good to say,
    so we just breathe them out
    at the end of the day.
    The flame eats them up.
    The smoke carries them away,
    giving us peace to start a new day.
    Now friends, take note...
    let this inspire...
    when the world is too much
    come sit by our fire.
    We don't offer much,
    just good company and heat.
    But at the end of the day
    those two can't be beat.




    Submitted on 2006-10-04 14:32:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hello again
    First impressios hey, ok I'll start with negatives

    1) this could be broken up into stanzas it would help to moderate the pace, as it stands the paces rushes away from you.

    2)'all under our feet, just searching for heat.'
    This is personal and that is, I'm not fond of rhyme in the same line. It works maybe, if you keep it throughout the poem, but here it's not so good.

    3)Syllable count, It helps the flow if you try to keep it under some control, I'm not saying to bang out perfect iambic pentimeter or anything, What I'm trying to say is, as you read it, it may sound good, but for someone who just picks it up and reads, it stops and starts and stutters a bit.

    Positive now, I like to end on a high.

    1) The loose rhyme is quite good and works quite well
    for this and the eclectic structures will work well, if you get it into stanzas as mentioned.

    2)The content is very feel good and I like it alot, simple and effective.

    3) I don't think there's much wrong with the end infact the last 14 lines I think are the best of the piece. Maybe it's just the flow in your own head that makes it feel a little off try adding/taking a word here or there and see how it goes.

    Hope this helps you out, Thanks for getting this far:)

    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      Na na na... we'll conspire! As we dream, by the fire! We'll face unafraid, the plans that we've made...

    This piece reminded me of that! Warm and fuzzy!

    I think the ending could have a verse added to it. Something that doesn't rhyme. Just to close it.
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ]
      damn I accidenly closed the window so now I have to start all over and I had a good twenty minutes in. It's good to lose yourself. Overall I thought the ending was great we all want a hot shower, lavish bath or warm bed or to curl up in an afghan and watch movies intead; slouching on our couches. There was too much filler in here and some of the language was to cutesy for this piece. It'll probably take me another twenty minutes or so to show you what i mean. i'll send you another private message with my brutal critism. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-04 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    120553

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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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