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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Too Latedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/BrokenHeart
    Total Views: 714
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 917



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsToo Latedots
    -------------------------------------------


    You say you'll change,
    but I think it's too late.
    The last few years
    may have sealed our fate.
    I love you with all of my heart;
    this you know.
    But for it to keep beating,
    I must let you go.
    So please don't call,
    and don't come around.
    Don't visit my dreams,
    when at night I lay down.
    You make promises now
    you might very well keep.
    But you've broken so many,
    and this heartache is deep.
    You can't fill this void.
    Maybe no one can.
    You waited too long
    to be a good man.
    And I've waited a lifetime
    to know that you care.
    I waited so long,
    and you just weren't there.
    Now you want me to wait
    while you get your life straight.
    But I don't think I can.
    I think you're too late.




    Submitted on 2006-10-04 15:40:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      As for the rhyme not feeling forced. ha! Around and down have the same vowel sound so your rhyming is a bit imperfect perfect rhyme is boring. Anyway Parts of this feel forced to me. I don't think the rhyming is forced, but I do think that in order to achieve a few of them you awkardly worded a few lines. Perhaps so line breaks. I used to write in one big block too and I still do on occassion. let's play.

    "You say you'll change,
    but I think it's too late."

    The last few years
    may have sealed our fate.
    I love you with all of my heart;
    this you know.
    But for it to keep beating,
    I must let you go.

    So please don't call,
    and don't come around.
    Don't visit my dreams,
    when at night I lay down.* this line is akwarded

    * the line below consider D You Make and R making* And this heartache is deep" I think that this phrase would benifit from some dieting as would many phrases in this piece. Okay what words are essential to the message you're trying to convey "deep heart ache L2 below I like May Better than might may complements the a of make.

    You make promises now
    you might very well keep.
    But you've broken so many,
    and this heartache is deep.

    You can't fill this void.
    Maybe no one can.
    You waited too long
    to be a good man.

    And I've waited a lifetime* D-and
    to know that you care.
    I waited so long,
    and you just weren't there. D-and (think about it

    Now you want me to wait
    while you get your life straight.
    But I don't think I can.
    I think you're too late.

    Boo! on the ending thumbs down. Not a bad way to end just poorly word weak and completely defined by rhyme rather than with it become about the rhyme rather than the thoughts. Plus you break out of your bubble dome container; shifting from rhyme at the end of every other line to consecutive line. Maybe no one will notice. No one but me! Okay so you can't look inside my thoughts and tell I'm just pretending to be mad but seriously then ending displays that you were too anxious to finish this. Here are my suggestions

    Now you want me to wait
    While you straighten your life
    But I don't think I can.
    I'm afraid you're too late.

    overall I enjoyed this but as i mentioned there are several extraneous words serving no purpose other then achieving the rhyme at the end of every other line. I actually loath that style so it's nothing personal. break boundries; you'regetting there.
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww so sad. The flow of this really worked and the rhyming didn't feel forced which is always a rarity, though around and down don't really go as a rhyming pair. A good write though, its simplicity is nice, it's easy to read and understand but there's so much behind it that the poems hiding so it still has depth.
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by Sagirlie | [ Reply to This ]


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