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Breathe In


Author: Perpetualdreamz
Elite Ratio:    3.71 - 8 /18 /19
Words: 125
Class/Type: Poetry /Venting
Total Views: 621
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 877



Description:




Breathe In



Floating from the twinkling speckled sky,
Snowflakes shimmer beneath the old man's eyes.
Imprinted upon the sea of pearls,
To the frosted leaves they go.

As the wind whispers in our ears,
The leaves are drifting, spinning yellow.
The rain disguises the tears, conceals the pattering,
The fire reflects the anger in her eyes; the thunder cracks with ferocity.

The dew moistens her toes, as the grass tickles her feet,
She escapes the sight of her sorrow
And is mocked by the lifeless, hollow tree.
The sand trickles through her trembling touch,
As waves of serenity are apporoached.

With radiating charm and prettiness,
It blooms in all its glory,
Floating away with the rolling clouds,
Breathe in,
the tranquil sea twinkles back.




Submitted on 2006-10-04 22:59:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This piece has a dream-like quality in it. It comes across as a montage of feelings or a clean collage painting a singular picture. I'm not sure if that's what you're going for but that's how it came across to me. Some times it gets a bit confusing... like there are empty spaces that desperately need to be filled... but what's good about this is that the emotion is already there to be recognized and the distortion no matter how heavy cannot hinder the ability of this piece to touch. And ultimately, I think that's what poems like this are for.

Oh and I don't know if it's intentional but I think that "raing" in L7 should be "rain" as well as the "te" in that line should be "the."

Well, that's all I've got.

Good luck... I hope you can make it work.
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I felt as though I was standing on the top of Mt. Everest while reading this! Great imagery indeed. I love how intense you made everything feel..it was so descriptive. The beautiful thing though was that you were describing one thing--the wind. Like the sea, anything that is dropped in is carried with that body however it's obvious to see what is being carried along with the wind except the actual gust whereas a sea swallows instead of gives like the wind, making the wind an excellent example of tranquility in this poem.

Tranquility is represented by having balance and equality towards all moods in things which is found in various parts of your stanzas. For example:

"...The rain disguises the tears, conceals the pattering,
The fire reflects the anger in her eyes; the thunder cracks with ferocity."


"...She escapes the sight of her sorrow
And is mocked by the lifeless, hollow tree.
The sand trickles through her trembling touch,
As waves of serenity are apporoached."


Even though both of these lines seem negative, it blends quickly into a beautiful scene of assurance as time passes (as the wind travels). Different tastes are acquired as what is being carried is given away in various situations in order to complete the balance in the scene and change it to a positive upbringing.

My favourite lines were the beginning and the end, because like the wind, it's refreshing in the beginning and you feel complete by the end..

I interpreted it the best way I could! So this piece was a lot of fun and refreshing indeed. I feel like I was on the set of The Sound of Music and I feel happy lol. In a way, it also reminded me of the story of Buddha, when people saw him after coming back from the forest. They thought of him as being very saintly in a way, and asked "What are you? A God? A Saint?" and he answered, "No. I am awake.".......I feel almost awakened by this piece, of course, not in the sense that Buddha felt (I wish lol), but aware of what nature and everything serves for all of us. If we just take the time to "Breathe in"...we all can understand the 'tranquil sea' and have it reflect back onto us as it "twinkles back"..........
Thank you for sharing!

~darkrose16
| Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by darkrose16 | [ Reply to This ]


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