This almost made me cry, Raivn. I love that, for once, I understand everything that's going on in this poem. Because I was involved in then all. This is our past, constructed into a poem. You did so beautifully. You tied together a lot of the crazy and important things that took place when we were younger, and recently. I think my favorite part was: "Do you remember the days of our youth Using our imaginations to forever entertain Tears being shed over trampolines and swings Old indians that could drive you insane."
I love this poem. I miss all of that too. I know that it is probably mostly my fault.... But I want to do things like we used to. I miss having fun with you and Jaz. I miss going to the park, or Huntsville; or, hell, even Wal-Mart. We made all of those places fun. I seriously considered not going to school today so that I could go with you guys. We should do something today... it is Friday. We could find something? What do you think? Well, anyway. I love this poem. I thinkest that I shall add it to my favorites list.
See? I couldn't even come up with a better gangsta name. I'm losing my touch...
I love to think back and relive those moments for a while. It means you've made memories worth keeping and life worth living. I really think this piece would have been better without the rhyme, because I think it limited your word choice and structure...not because I don't like rhyme. In stanza 2 you used the word floor to rhyme with itself where as you could have used that to bring the focus into the game or the floor itself. jan
There is nothing wrong at all with thinking of yesterday This is why I tell every youth I meet hold on to your childhood as long as you can Because when its gone its gone forever and sadly you will always be trying to find it again I Like how you opened a door to the past to let us your readers into a day of your youthful life It sounds like you had a beautiful child God Bless Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes I just submitted 2 new ones and let me know what you think Thank You Ron
The thought is well stated, but where the rhyme began well in stanza one, stanza two lost it. It also appeared very wordy. Alright, I guess, if you're just giving it to your friends to help them remember, but not so great for a poem to be posted for others to critique. I think this could be revised and made a very good piece, but alot would have to be scrapped.