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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Evergreendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 341
    Class/Type: Prose/Longing
    Total Views: 1507
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2124



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEvergreendots
    -------------------------------------------


    The house was bought for a modest price,
    equivalent perhaps to a luxury car nowadays.
    She remembers this Spring day down to the
    last detail. It was a lovely, bright blue
    sky with glorious sunshine. The perfect day
    to start their life together. She was in the
    kitchen, unpacking boxes, when he said,
    "I'll be back soon". She just shook her head,
    thinking, "he must have run out of cigarettes.
    Why else would he leave with so much left
    to do."

    He was gone for an hour or so, returning
    with, of course, a pack of cigarettes.
    He held her hand, "come with me" he
    said. Grabbing a shovel with the other hand,
    he led her out to the backyard where a small
    pine sapling sat in a pot tied with a red velvet
    bow. She smiled. He had already decided on
    the spot to plant, a clear view from the kitchen
    window. He dug the hole, she complained
    about the smoke. "When are you gonna quit
    them damn things" she said. He just smiled,
    planted the tree, firming the topsoil down
    with his foot.

    Many happy years passed, children born,
    raised and moved on, the tree now full
    grown. Lush green livens the backyard
    through the coldest of winter. She sits at the
    kitchen window, tears in her eyes, remembering
    back to that Spring day. She can hear the
    words he spoke to her as if he was standing
    by her side. "Evergreen, our symbol of the
    everlasting color and love you have brought
    to my life."

    His belongings remain exactly where he
    last left them. A half pack of cigarettes, still in
    his shirt pocket, hangs in the closet. Even the
    ashtrays remain where he kept them. The
    only difference, there were no more
    butts in them. They are now filled with
    pinecones that she picks fresh each year,
    as she says to herself, "evergreen my love,
    ever-green."




    Submitted on 2006-10-05 12:07:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi Lorna,
    I'm sorry it has taken me so long to comment on your writing,
    I have to say, even if it's not about the Eagles, I really enjoyed this peice,
    I can really relate to this peice being a new home owner and the exitement I felt as I imagined what the house will look like in 20 years, it seemed like such a sad but real situation, I almost felt as I was sitting next to her staring at the ashtrey filled with pinecones,
    By the way nice touch,
    Thanks,
    Will (Twice)
    | Posted on 2006-10-24 00:00:00 | by Twice | [ Reply to This ]
      Absolutely stunning. I love the use of the dialogue. I've been writing in this style recently myself, and while it's a difficult tool to wield, it's incredibly powerful as a way of exploring feelings.

    Very,
           very
    .sp6        nicely done.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      The small details make the whole piece...
    really, the cigarettes make the character, I love that, the half-full cigarette pack still in his shirt pocket...

    You also make really good use of dialogue, it's very natural. A lot of times the dialoge people write sound nothing like what people would actually say in real life, but I like your dialogue because it sounds like simple remarks. Especially the quote, "When are you gonna quit them damn things." is effective.

    The foreshadowing was perfect, not too in your face but enough that when you're done reading the piece and you re-read it, you go "Oooooh! Why didn't I see that coming!"

    The length was really perfect too...I was looking through your other pieces and some of them seemed really long so I didn't want to read them (I am really impatient...sorry) but the length in this one is great because I could pay attention to every line and word.

    I'm sorry I can't give any constructive critisism, I really loved this piece and have nothing else to say...

    Keep on keeping on!
    TRAVWELL!


    PS...thanks for the comment on "superstardom." Keep smiling!
    | Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by travwell | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh Lorna, this was amazingly beautiful. This made me think of my bf and how he smokes. The ending just broke my heart, because I can see my future in those words. Once again, you have written a poem that is more then pretty words, but a masterpiece of how true love is.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This story reminded me of my father. Those cigs sped his demise, too. The evergreens he'd planted are huge now and a fitting memorial. I enjoyed your fine story. Smiles, Sharon
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved it. Short, taut and compelling you have captured the heartsease of lost love and the lost person. A wonderful piece of writing - sentiment without gushy sentimentality. Write on, Lorna.

    Donald
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]
      This is the first time i think that i ever read such a long piece from you Lorna. Ususally, you will have a small but not too small piece of writing with a huge meaning behind it but here, you're actually reading a story which still has a huge meaning to it.

    My mom finally decided to plant some trees. She kept saying to me as she was digging the soul "When i die, this tree will still be here for you to remember me. It will keep me on this earth alive somehow". She even said to me that i should plant a tree when i grow a bit older and say the same things she did with the same meaning.

    This has a nice story to it that i can relate somehow.

    Take care....

    ~Irina
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna,

    This is a thoughtful story about acceptance. Or that's the theme that came to mind. That if we choose to be with someone we accept everything about them. To think of them as magnificent and perfect exactly the way they are is what is needed.

    While your lady shows no remorse over having tried to save her husband's life, isn't there an inkling that the tree would outlive him
    in her mind?

    Pinecones in the ashtrays, I like it. And kudos for a sage-like treatment of theme. It's good to see that you are writing.

    Take care,

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Lovely.

    Simple yet adequate.

    What I like about this piece is that there was already this impending scent of doom everywhere but you were able to saturate that with something else. Call it hope or whatever. It is the same force that people rely on every day... the same simplistic notion of an outside force telling you that everything will be alright.

    For someone to be able to pull that off while maintaining this kind of levelled composure... well... it's just amazing.
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna Lorna Lorna, lovely, lovely, lovely. A beautiful story told expertly well. Symbols of love and togetherness are by their very nature, emotional, evocative, and very precious - just like your write.

    I suspect that you are a big romantic softy as well !

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice work here. This is a well-done piece. You evoke her emotional state nicely. Only one correction: "The only difference being there was no more butts in them" should be "The only difference was there were no more butts in them."

    Peace, love and all that other junk,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very wonderful piece Lorna it is great to see your writing come alive like this one does as always lady another one to add to my favs.

    I truly enjoyed the theme and the story within it a beautiful but sad story of acceptance and love you did a great job on this one my friend.
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Lorna, I just have to say it's great to see you venture into new territory... this is far more prosaic and less earthed in stanzas which is great to see... I think I said this not too long ago to a friend, but it's creative suicide to play it safe and stick to the tried and true.

    It's a great story here... and you manage to imply the husband's death without saying it outright. The sense of loss yet happy remembrance this wife has is brought out, and the symbolism of the evergreen tree to love is a great analogy.

    I'd say more but I'm in a hell rush. As I said, it's good to see people spread their wings and go for it.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there nice to see something new on your page,

    Nicely written Lorna, I must say predictable (as soon as he brought the tree back I thought he was a gonna) but I suppose that's not the point. Nice descriptions and the emotion is felt especially toward the end. Nice word evergreen I'd never really thought about it before but it's a very nice word indeed and used to good effect.
    I quit two years ago and bloody good job too, those things'll kill ya, but you never lose the craving completely, you realise just how hard it is once you've done it.
    Again nicely done
    Hope all's well with you

    TTFN
    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-10-05 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]


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