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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: think outside the jardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PoeticNonsense
    ASL Info:    20/f/around
    Elite Ratio:    3.82 - 205/215/100
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Society
    Total Views: 1089
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 721



    Description:
       revised


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthink outside the jardots
    -------------------------------------------


    pressing against the side
    life running out
    fireflies frantically trying to escape
    their glass prison
    doomed to die
    children gathered
    shaking the jar
    trying to raise one last light out of you

    sands of the hourglass
    tossed carelessly with each turn
    time running out
    turned over again
    and again
    and again
    and again

    lifeless
    carcasses strewn about
    the children mourn
    not because of the lost life
    but because of the lost entertainment

    don't worry, it is only a passing sadness.
    a discarded toy.
    a light extinguished.






    Submitted on 2006-10-06 11:14:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow I like this one. I think humans care about entertainment more then life. I like the concept in this poem. Very good write. Hope to read more from you.

    XoXo,

    }i{Renae}i{
    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by Poetic_tragedy6 | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah. I liked this one. It was good and interesting. What I found interesting is your use of children. Children are the most affected by our decisions and choices. A parent trapped by their own pasts, fears, misgivings can cause their own children to become trapped too. Great Write
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by jlpurvis2001 | [ Reply to This ]
      Everything said has been said. I like the whole idea behind it, especially:

    "sands of the hourglass
    tossed carelessly with each turn
    time running out
    turned again
    a never ending cycle"

    And since everything said has been said, there's nothing much left to say. And on that note, I leave you.

    Yours truly,
    Nobody.
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ]
      When I was little we used to catch them in our hands admire them then let them go. I though Knocking one last light out of you could have been an interesting way to word it aslo not that there is anything wrong with you wording already.
    Perhaps in the beggining pressed might fit better the press?
    And about that second stanza it feels undefined and is almost void of imagery I imagine; from reading it through while consciously omitting that line, it reads just as well without it. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      When I was younger, my grandfather used to drag me along on his back and forth plane trips. My friend, not wanting me to leave during weekends, used to scare me by saying that his dad works at the airport and that every plane is a mere blip in their radar. 50 or so people = one insignificant blip that can get easily lost, or forgotten. He is that same kid who used to catch insects every summer just to throw them out when school returns.

    This piece reminds me of how small we really are. How the death of one wouldn't really stop the lives of billions. How the world will go on turning and how that life would one day be forgotten. It's a sad notion. But it's there. And poems like this help us face it... know it... and ultimately accept it.

    Nice job.

    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      this reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip... Calvin has caught a butterfly and he put in a jar and tells Hobbes how beautiful it is.. then Hobbes says, "If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it." Calvin thinks for a while and the strip ends in Calvin releasing the butterfly to freedom.

    lol. anyway. on the surface, this poem seems to tell me (like in the Calvin And Hobbes comic strip) that beauty and wonderful things in life lose their value when you contain them; it is their rarity and that fantastical quality of it which partly adds to its splendour. however, as I continue to think about this, I think the underlying message of this poem isn't just that.. perhaps on man's tendency to attain entertainment from witnessing violence, suffering or maybe torture? I say this because I noticed that you didn't really describe the quality of the fireflies; rather, the emphasis was on its frantic attempts of escape inside that jar.

    I associate this tendency of man with our television culture, particularly reality TV. There's a sort of unexplainable yet undeniable attraction that it has on a lot of viewers... the 'jar', this idiot box provides us with 'entertainment' where we watch people being made fun of.. people going through suffering.. inflicted with acts of violence - this is the sort of entertainment that has shaped a huge part of our culture today. And when it ends, we're bored again... we hardly spare any time for a thought for those real people that we witness, we just grab the remote and see what's up next and if we don't like it, we'll switch the channel.

    I dont know, I get the feeling that I'm way off the mark here, but that's just my interpretation of it... I think this piece is brilliant, really. do drop me a note the actual message behind this poem because I'm curious to know about it. bravo!

    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the title. It was interesting how you used the phrase "think outside the box", but replacing "box" with "jar".

    "but because of the lost entertainment

    but it is only a passing sadness"
    Meh, the use of "but" twice weakens it slightly. You should consider ditching one "but".

    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by Seele | [ Reply to This ]
      Omg....I absolutely love it....it's brilliant....I am like totally speechless for the first time. The comparisom was pure perfection. Check out my other comments, I rarely leave compliments and always have something to nit-pick but this is just so real. Bash it?! Seriously, or are you just bragging ?
    Ok, coming back to my former self, maybe it had something to do with the "God's a mean kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant". Many would say the idea lacks originality, but the way it was put and compared with real life has its unique charm. I'm a person who seriously thinks she is being picked on by God also but especially by other people. The way they play and destroy other people's lives for fun is really grose and lacks sense.

    Congratulations for this it rocks.

    Angie
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ]


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