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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If WIthoutdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jolie
    ASL Info:    22/F/Cali
    Elite Ratio:    1.77 - 11/7/5
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 978
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 387



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf WIthoutdots
    -------------------------------------------


    With he the sun rises, like every morn.
    With she sets the sun, new fears are thus born.
    A tear burns a hole from the work of another,
    misery keeps her protecting her lover.
    So many words fog the mind of the twisted. Outcomes of hope were the spirit uplifted.
    And as this night falls for the helpless mistaken, nothing is left for her to have faith in.




    Submitted on 2006-10-06 13:53:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hello Jolie,
    I've taken the liberty of ammending this how I would lay it out, hope you don't mind. I suppose it doesn't make any great difference other than aesthetically speaking, although I also changed the 'he' and the 'she' in the first two lines which I think read a little better now. To be honest though I'm not sure what this is about if you could enlighten me that might help. Lastly the line
    'Outcomes of hope were the spirit uplifted.' I'm not too sure about that, but without being certain what is being said I'm a little short on suggestions.

    With him the sun rises, like every morn.
    With her sets the sun, new fears are thus born.
    A tear burns a hole from the work of another,
    misery keeps her protecting her lover.

    So many words fog the mind of the twisted.
    Outcomes of hope were the spirit uplifted.
    And as this night falls for the helpless mistaken,
    nothing is left for her to have faith in.

    Saying that and I don't mean to kick it to death, I like the rhythm. Also the two stanzas, one being a strict rhyme and the other quite loose works well. Hope this assisted a bit. Cheers.

    TTFN
    V

    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      wow....quite lovely...i like the flow, adn the general feel of it...kep this up!!

    xoxo
    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by blu_kittin | [ Reply to This ]
      First, let me say welcome to elite my friend! This poem was fantastically written I loved it! It flowed magnificently, and rhymed quite well. I believe I have to add this to my favourites. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading.

    »HELI«
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by skullreaperX_X | [ Reply to This ]
      WELCOME TO THE SITE!!

    wow! thatz all i have to say. i really liked this. it was inspriatioal. i hope i will be able to write like that one day. i know i have been on here longer but you are good. keep up the good work and write more.
    ~Caotic~
    P.S. id like it if you had any suggestions for my work. please look at some of my work. thanx and enjoy the site.
    | Posted on 2006-10-06 00:00:00 | by Caotic_Disaster | [ Reply to This ]


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