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The Guilt in Knowing You


Author: zhi wei
ASL Info:    17, Male, Malaysia.
Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 171 /203 /53
Words: 245
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1853
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1666



Description:




The Guilt in Knowing You



The daylight creeps in
from between the curtains,
an uninviting sign of another day
and another reminder of
another step further
from the past;

a time when my heart smiled
with a saint’s sincerity,
when every second’s tick
was a deep wordless melody;
a time when I not only breathed
but lived.

Once, every morning,
I could feel the weight of your
dark silken hair
rub against my shoulder
but now, I only feel
the chill of the morning air
cold, passive and miserable.

I search for that familiar pair of eyes,
peaceful, when they hid themselves in slumber;
a wonder beyond words,
when they revealed themselves to me
in mornings that have passed before.

But underneath those beautiful eyes
you were a bleeding soul
and I,
with all my words and songs
flowers and company,
could never save you
as the wound that made you weak within
found its way to your wrists
and you and your beautiful eyes
slipped away from me
into a silence
that would never wake.

The morning light continues to creep in
and I pull myself beneath the covers
to avoid the distressing light of day
but I cannot pull myself away from truth
and I cannot pull myself together.

This solitude is hardly simple
and I continue to struggle
in the silence of perpetual sentiments
of all the things
I could have, should have said and done.




Submitted on 2006-10-07 08:36:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  *stretches*

Dear me, it's been a longgg while since I've done this, but it's time to start it up again. God knows I need the attention.

This piece, in its entirety, is thoroughly convincing, powerful, of the sincerity of its author. I'm not sure if it's intentional but your name and style, combined, lent the whole thing an oriental feeling, one of acceptance, and regret as opposed to the more common denial or self-misery. Mae's right (and I surfed my way here on her comments, after all. It's good fun--try it sometime with a commentor you respect) about your lines, in the respect of originality. It's a delicate piece, and emotional piece, and you've succeeded in earnest of relating it to us. Yet at the same time, the use of words, phrases that feel 'said and done before' wash off a layer of its vibrancy, 'blur' it into commonality, if you will. So as far as advice goes, you really have your basic format down, and a great image and emotion to back it, so all you need to think about is how you might make your wording more individual, more..."you," as the jaded say.

Personally, I felt like some of the lines, which set up the really nice finishes, felt like a sort of "filler," as I could easily read where it was coming from and knew what you were building yourself up for. These, to me, tend to be lines I try to re-write, or remove, as an attempt to filter out all but the essence of my emotion. In the same way there's a faint sense of redundancy as you move a bit (to me--keep that in mind) too slowly in your progression from the daylight to the air where someone should've been, the body your arms are still trying to be around; less line breaks can solve this, or if you give it some thought and agree with me I'm sure you'll have a way to make it more..desperate, more real, than picture-perfect or portrait-like, in that same artificial slow-motion of paintbrush and canvas.

I can see the ancient, indelible painting in my mind's eye, with the husband burying his face in the sheets, grasping at the place where she would be despite himself, and the sunlight, ticking onward without him. It's a pretty picture. I get the feeling, though, that if you wanted you could breathe it into life. And given my attention span, moving things are way more interesting than a frozen moment in time. Good work.

Sincerely
The Palatine Poet
~Eternity's Lyre.
| Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
  Some techs: S1L3: I suggest, “an uninvited sign of another day, / another reminder (etc.)” I think there’s no need for the “and”; it weakens the language. The para. should end with a dash, not a semi-colon. S2L2: I would eliminate “a”. L4Z: The word “deep” doesn’t work well; the rhythm’s off, and it’s very unstimulating, though I don’t have a specific substitute to suggest. I’m not going to go through the rest of the stanzas in this detail. Let me say that the beginning seemed stronger than the the last few stanzas. The sentiments are appealing, but the verse doesn’t seem strong enough to match them. I like your imagery – you’re very good at it, at least in this poem (I haven’t really read your other writes). I agree with Mae that you should edit this. It's a poem worthy of the effort to imrove it.
fred
| Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  I read about six poems prior to this one and only encountered mediocrity. I was pleasantly surprised by this piece. Then I got to the stanza telling us that she'd committed suicide, and I though Oh no! Another suicide poem! because this site is replete with them. But again, I was treated to a pleasant surprise. I thought you did a good job on this - not a great job - but a good one. It was certainly better than the other things I've read today and better than the majority of poems dealing with suicide on ES.

The reason it is only good and not great is that, mixed in with the clever phrasing are more than a sprinkling of worn phrases. Examples:

another step further from the past - new
daylight creeps- old

when I not only breathed but lived - new
the chill of the morning air - old

a wonder beyond words, - new
bleeding soul - old

You get the idea.

In your very last line, there should be a comma after the second 'have'. It sets out 'should have' and gives it a bit more punch.

I'd love to see you go through this with fresher language and do a rewrite. Thanks for sharing. mae
| Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  oh god...

"The daylight creeps in
from between the curtains,
an uninviting sign of another day
and another reminder of
another step further
from the past;"

ok to me the introduction is a key peice
to your readers for if there not interested
they wont read on (well thats how i am)
so obviously i like what you put...then i read
on...

"a time when my heart smiled
with a saint’s sincerity,
when every second’s tick
was a deep wordless melody;
a time when I not only breathed
but lived."

now this is beautifuly played out
i love the way its like you tease
your words and shape them in this
i love how you have made me think
and smile on this because i know
what you ment...

"Once, every morning,
I could feel the weight of your
dark silken hair
rub against my shoulder
but now, I only feel
the chill of the morning air
cold, passive and miserable."

I also like how you dont
crowed up your poem
with punctuation.
I love how this is displayed
as a begining and an end,
How you felt when you
were with her and now that
she is gone the empty feeling
that is in your heart.
amazing...

"I search for that familiar pair of eyes,
peaceful, when they hid themselves in slumber;
a wonder beyond words,
when they revealed themselves to me
in mornings that have passed before."

this is beautiful imagry.
again you use your words
and make it come alive.
god this breaks your heart
from the simple beauty
to the heart breaking
melody that you grace with
this poem.

"But underneath those beautiful eyes
you were a bleeding soul
and I,
with all my words and songs
flowers and company,
could never save you
as the wound that made you weak within
found its way to your wrists
and you and your beautiful eyes
slipped away from me
into a silence
that would never wake."

i notice you dont keep a consistency
with your grouping of words
which is refreshing but you might
want a pattern to keep your
readers in a more easy read
mood. if that made any sence lol.
other than that i believe this is
where you build up your poem
where all the emotions
you created in this reaches its
peak. wounderfully written.

"The morning light continues to creep in
and I pull myself beneath the covers
to avoid the distressing light of day
but I cannot pull myself away from truth
and I cannot pull myself together."

now i see this is where you take us
down but still show us the pain.
i think you might want to add some commas
though cause this does run all together a
bit confusing in a sence.

Now back to what i said at the begining i said "oh god.." because this part broke my heart.

"This solitude is hardly simple
and I continue to struggle
in the silence of perpetual sentiments
of all the things
I could have, should have said and done."

this is sad i mean really. because of how you
used the emotion of regret. to me you displayed this
powerfully
emotionally this kills me poeticly this enthralls me
i love this piece this master piece a work of art.
thank you for the honor and privlage to read this.

all the love
nikki

*kisses*



| Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


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