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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Guilt in Knowing Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zhi wei
    ASL Info:    17, Male, Malaysia.
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 171/203/53
    Words: 245
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1387
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1662



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Guilt in Knowing Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The daylight creeps in
    from between the curtains,
    an uninviting sign of another day
    and another reminder of
    another step further
    from the past;

    a time when my heart smiled
    with a saintís sincerity,
    when every secondís tick
    was a deep wordless melody;
    a time when I not only breathed
    but lived.

    Once, every morning,
    I could feel the weight of your
    dark silken hair
    rub against my shoulder
    but now, I only feel
    the chill of the morning air
    cold, passive and miserable.

    I search for that familiar pair of eyes,
    peaceful, when they hid themselves in slumber;
    a wonder beyond words,
    when they revealed themselves to me
    in mornings that have passed before.

    But underneath those beautiful eyes
    you were a bleeding soul
    and I,
    with all my words and songs
    flowers and company,
    could never save you
    as the wound that made you weak within
    found its way to your wrists
    and you and your beautiful eyes
    slipped away from me
    into a silence
    that would never wake.

    The morning light continues to creep in
    and I pull myself beneath the covers
    to avoid the distressing light of day
    but I cannot pull myself away from truth
    and I cannot pull myself together.

    This solitude is hardly simple
    and I continue to struggle
    in the silence of perpetual sentiments
    of all the things
    I could have, should have said and done.




    Submitted on 2006-10-07 08:36:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      *stretches*

    Dear me, it's been a longgg while since I've done this, but it's time to start it up again. God knows I need the attention.

    This piece, in its entirety, is thoroughly convincing, powerful, of the sincerity of its author. I'm not sure if it's intentional but your name and style, combined, lent the whole thing an oriental feeling, one of acceptance, and regret as opposed to the more common denial or self-misery. Mae's right (and I surfed my way here on her comments, after all. It's good fun--try it sometime with a commentor you respect) about your lines, in the respect of originality. It's a delicate piece, and emotional piece, and you've succeeded in earnest of relating it to us. Yet at the same time, the use of words, phrases that feel 'said and done before' wash off a layer of its vibrancy, 'blur' it into commonality, if you will. So as far as advice goes, you really have your basic format down, and a great image and emotion to back it, so all you need to think about is how you might make your wording more individual, more..."you," as the jaded say.

    Personally, I felt like some of the lines, which set up the really nice finishes, felt like a sort of "filler," as I could easily read where it was coming from and knew what you were building yourself up for. These, to me, tend to be lines I try to re-write, or remove, as an attempt to filter out all but the essence of my emotion. In the same way there's a faint sense of redundancy as you move a bit (to me--keep that in mind) too slowly in your progression from the daylight to the air where someone should've been, the body your arms are still trying to be around; less line breaks can solve this, or if you give it some thought and agree with me I'm sure you'll have a way to make it more..desperate, more real, than picture-perfect or portrait-like, in that same artificial slow-motion of paintbrush and canvas.

    I can see the ancient, indelible painting in my mind's eye, with the husband burying his face in the sheets, grasping at the place where she would be despite himself, and the sunlight, ticking onward without him. It's a pretty picture. I get the feeling, though, that if you wanted you could breathe it into life. And given my attention span, moving things are way more interesting than a frozen moment in time. Good work.

    Sincerely
    The Palatine Poet
    ~Eternity's Lyre.
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      Some techs: S1L3: I suggest, ďan uninvited sign of another day, / another reminder (etc.)Ē I think thereís no need for the ďandĒ; it weakens the language. The para. should end with a dash, not a semi-colon. S2L2: I would eliminate ďaĒ. L4Z: The word ďdeepĒ doesnít work well; the rhythmís off, and itís very unstimulating, though I donít have a specific substitute to suggest. Iím not going to go through the rest of the stanzas in this detail. Let me say that the beginning seemed stronger than the the last few stanzas. The sentiments are appealing, but the verse doesnít seem strong enough to match them. I like your imagery Ė youíre very good at it, at least in this poem (I havenít really read your other writes). I agree with Mae that you should edit this. It's a poem worthy of the effort to imrove it.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      I read about six poems prior to this one and only encountered mediocrity. I was pleasantly surprised by this piece. Then I got to the stanza telling us that she'd committed suicide, and I though Oh no! Another suicide poem! because this site is replete with them. But again, I was treated to a pleasant surprise. I thought you did a good job on this - not a great job - but a good one. It was certainly better than the other things I've read today and better than the majority of poems dealing with suicide on ES.

    The reason it is only good and not great is that, mixed in with the clever phrasing are more than a sprinkling of worn phrases. Examples:

    another step further from the past - new
    daylight creeps- old

    when I not only breathed but lived - new
    the chill of the morning air - old

    a wonder beyond words, - new
    bleeding soul - old

    You get the idea.

    In your very last line, there should be a comma after the second 'have'. It sets out 'should have' and gives it a bit more punch.

    I'd love to see you go through this with fresher language and do a rewrite. Thanks for sharing. mae
    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      oh god...

    "The daylight creeps in
    from between the curtains,
    an uninviting sign of another day
    and another reminder of
    another step further
    from the past;"

    ok to me the introduction is a key peice
    to your readers for if there not interested
    they wont read on (well thats how i am)
    so obviously i like what you put...then i read
    on...

    "a time when my heart smiled
    with a saintís sincerity,
    when every secondís tick
    was a deep wordless melody;
    a time when I not only breathed
    but lived."

    now this is beautifuly played out
    i love the way its like you tease
    your words and shape them in this
    i love how you have made me think
    and smile on this because i know
    what you ment...

    "Once, every morning,
    I could feel the weight of your
    dark silken hair
    rub against my shoulder
    but now, I only feel
    the chill of the morning air
    cold, passive and miserable."

    I also like how you dont
    crowed up your poem
    with punctuation.
    I love how this is displayed
    as a begining and an end,
    How you felt when you
    were with her and now that
    she is gone the empty feeling
    that is in your heart.
    amazing...

    "I search for that familiar pair of eyes,
    peaceful, when they hid themselves in slumber;
    a wonder beyond words,
    when they revealed themselves to me
    in mornings that have passed before."

    this is beautiful imagry.
    again you use your words
    and make it come alive.
    god this breaks your heart
    from the simple beauty
    to the heart breaking
    melody that you grace with
    this poem.

    "But underneath those beautiful eyes
    you were a bleeding soul
    and I,
    with all my words and songs
    flowers and company,
    could never save you
    as the wound that made you weak within
    found its way to your wrists
    and you and your beautiful eyes
    slipped away from me
    into a silence
    that would never wake."

    i notice you dont keep a consistency
    with your grouping of words
    which is refreshing but you might
    want a pattern to keep your
    readers in a more easy read
    mood. if that made any sence lol.
    other than that i believe this is
    where you build up your poem
    where all the emotions
    you created in this reaches its
    peak. wounderfully written.

    "The morning light continues to creep in
    and I pull myself beneath the covers
    to avoid the distressing light of day
    but I cannot pull myself away from truth
    and I cannot pull myself together."

    now i see this is where you take us
    down but still show us the pain.
    i think you might want to add some commas
    though cause this does run all together a
    bit confusing in a sence.

    Now back to what i said at the begining i said "oh god.." because this part broke my heart.

    "This solitude is hardly simple
    and I continue to struggle
    in the silence of perpetual sentiments
    of all the things
    I could have, should have said and done."

    this is sad i mean really. because of how you
    used the emotion of regret. to me you displayed this
    powerfully
    emotionally this kills me poeticly this enthralls me
    i love this piece this master piece a work of art.
    thank you for the honor and privlage to read this.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*



    | Posted on 2006-10-07 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


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    120855

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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