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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unisondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Anchiale
    ASL Info:    32/F/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.56 - 88/73/14
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 930
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1025



    Description:
       Something I wrote for a very good friend of mine...and the last couple of lines are symbolic to the piece as a whole. I guess I just want a little feedback before I give it to him.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnisondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Like a rooster calling to a picturesque sunrise,
    you start my day.
    As I begin my daily routine of chores,
    I wonder if your thoughts are going my way.

    Your feet should be so tired
    from running continuously through my mind,
    and even though I complain about it,
    I love when we say things at the same time.

    I'm thankful, whether it's fate or not,
    because you're a good man and I couldn't ask for more.
    From possessing attributes like intelligence to humor,
    you're the one my heart beats for and adores.

    Like Holliday Inn,
    my heart is inviting you to stay.
    Not only for my trouble and pain,
    but to allow me a chance at making your day.

    Remember whenever you feel lonely,
    to think of the bond you and I share.
    That way you'll always be aware,
    there's a little of you in me, and I in you,
    so whatever you feel, I feel too.




    Submitted on 2004-05-25 08:08:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a really good write with a great flow. I like the connection at the end as well, in fact the stanza as a whole. Its awesome, like the whole poem. I'm sure he'll like it, have a nice day.
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      awww..... this is sweet, I like it alot, it flowed really well and had parts that made me smile and even laugh a little, like holiday inn, lol, that was funny and cute. I like this, because you wrote it for a guy, and you didn't use all these gigantic freak words that he wont even understand, and I think he will like it very much. I am glad that you have someone like this, and I definantly know what you mean by it
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by ViCiOuSWrItEr | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this piece, so i will get this out of the way.. the rhyming in the third stanza kinda falls short, but sounds good, don't know if you intended it that way or not.
    and in the last line instead of:
    so whatever you feel, I feel too.

    it would sound a little better with"
    so whatever you feel, I feel it too.

    just a little clean up...

    very good. I like this piece, you are proving yourself to be what I call an emotional writer.. I am that way too. When something happens I write.. it's my release, a cleansing process...

    i loved this piece, and with some work, I think that you should publish it...
    ora
    | Posted on 2004-09-24 00:00:00 | by Oracle | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    12092

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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