Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Raped Star


Author: DiamondTears
ASL Info:    20/F/Wa
Elite Ratio:    3.3 - 66 /109 /57
Words: 134
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1066
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 819



Description:




Raped Star



Everything went up in smokes
When this girl lost her luster her sparkle, her looks,
She used to dance like a shooting star,
Then one night, it went far to far,
A cocktail party, a silken red dress,
A boy caught her eye, his stare to impress,

They went out into a blistering cold,
But warmth was embracing in his hold,
It all just happened to fast,
To quick to give an explanation to last,
He left her broken, A shattered star,
Apparently, she fell to far…

Her eyes empty and grey,
Her skin pale as snow fallen anew in the day,
Ribs to count and endless worry,
A paranoia of someone to pin her down in a hurry,
Raped, frayed, and bloodshot,
An evening with him, all of this brought.




Submitted on 2006-10-08 01:21:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  this really caught my attention...a raped star loses its twinkle...the innocence now light years from earth..
two suggestions...go back through and correct spellings and subj/verb agreement..."everything went up in smoke"

you could use "look" in second line...and that would work for near rhyme...

"it all happened too fast" "she fell too far"

the other suggestion---bring back the star metaphor in the last stanza so the poem has more symmetry...

you sustain the metaphor throughout the first few stanzas but in the last one it disappears...
just a word or phrase there would really make the poem feel complete...

it has lots of power.

jacob
| Posted on 2011-04-10 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, that's strong.... and sad. The rhyming worked well, I don't really know what to say about this because it has a lot of meaning.... what could I say about a situation like that that could mean anything more?

well I will say great job and keep it up

Alina
| Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by luckyms20 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



120928