Intoxicating bloodshed reflected in innocent eyes,
Fairytales with an awkward, uninviting twist,
Lest we forget innocence doesn't exist.
Everyday traces old scars in an attempt to...
Empty the blood from another open wound.
To stop the bleeding would be to die,
Our fate could never be so simple.
Deciding upon a impersonal hope,
Entering another false test of faith.
Can we ever put this to an end?
Everlasting questions could really...
Mean even less once answered.
But did that ever stop us before?
Entertaining these childish dreams;
Reality never turns out as well,
Unvailing fears you didn't know existed,
Not wanting to hold on any longer..I can't...
Die alone again, this is the last time.
Eternal search for some understanding-
Real life was undefined to begin with,
Graceful realization floods our thoughts;
Reach through this cloud of misjudgement,
Or continue staring at all these cuts,
Undiscovered cries bleeding openly,
Nepenthe so blatantly out of reach...
Dreading the truth we were born to know.
| I thought this was really good, but i feel like the first two lines were holding the piece back, and by first two lines I mean the part before you start to spell December. They came across as much more cliché and aimlessly then the rest of the poem. Perhaps if they came after the December, it would appear more of a cooldown, and thus work well. But- obviously that would ruin the spelling down teh side. So in conclusion, I thought the middle part was really good, and the beginning just seemed to serve to throw me off for what was to come next :-p.||| Posted on 2007-02-20 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ] || Wow! This really got me thinking. I liked the delivery a lot, and when I say that, I mean I like how you basically told your feelings (or what I'm guessing were your feelings) while avoiding using the first person point of view throughout most of it.|
The message is a bit unclear, and there are a few grammatical errors, but overall this is a pretty solid, and though-provoking write. I liked the flow of it, how you were able to limit the words/syllables in each line without making it seem constricting. As I was reading, I could imagine a rhythym for it in my head.
Also, the AFI reference was kinda clever, good job. =P
|| Posted on 2006-10-28 00:00:00 | by Trifecta | [ Reply to This ] || i like deep poems...dismentled doesn't understand..don't wxpect everyone to...i liked it although i got sorta side tracked during it....good write though..||| Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by His goth child | [ Reply to This ] || what the [censored]? This, is; just...bleah. God damn, your writes are almost too deep. The constructure and word personification, coalinghed with the deapth and endevaturel just damn. Alright, though critque, right? First off the afi thing isn't necessary, it denotes credit, and can discourage certian readers(ie; me). Also, i'd give it a alternate format, this ones fine; but it could be better, just need's alittle more time/effort in that respect. Also, the titel doesn't really seem (to me anyways) fit well; and maybe you could go over some synonyms and instead of making it so deep, strong, and in your face so to speak(not that's that's bad) but use it to interject a little more color, and make the read more adaptable to a wider range of readers; not bad thouhg, bye now.||| Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ] || I think this was very well done but I also think the ending should have been broken into multiple stanzas as to not take away from the piece by the lengthly read at the finish.|
Having it unbroken apart like this makes it seem as a whole but also makes it harder to read and somewhat can destroy the structure of it, I loved it in and of itself but again could be tweaked just slightly.
|| Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ] |