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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Twilight centerfolddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lolavie
    ASL Info:    23/female/Michigan
    Elite Ratio:    3.26 - 70/175/103
    Words: 199
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 691
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1366



    Description:
       

    so what do you think??


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTwilight centerfolddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ciphering the melodic
    chemistry weve made
    Temperatures they rise until
    the sunsets our long day

    Understand intentions
    meant to put you in the mood
    We're not the same together
    like when I was once with you

    Wond'rin' what its like
    to be the diamond in your rough
    I try so hard to be myself
    and thats just not enough

    I write the book of mystery
    and romance both combined
    I set it in your eyesight
    and you read it just in time


    .....................................


    Its been about a week or two
    and not a word from you
    Sure my novel scared you off
    and theres nothing I can do

    I spent the days waiting it out
    and then, lo and behold
    You come back, page bookmarked
    at the twilight centerfold


    Im utterly astounded
    so what does this mean
    Do you want to know me
    Do you want to hold me
    Do you want to tell me
    that someday just maybe
    you'll tell me you love me

    Im tumbling
    stumbling
    fumbling through pages
    finding ther climax
    and right then and
    right there
    you take me
    and show me
    yourself




    Submitted on 2006-10-08 18:55:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i thought this piece was written rather well, however there were some parts that i didn't really like - there were some lines in certain stanzas that didn't seem to work well with the rest.

    "Ciphering the melodic
    chemistry weve made
    Temperatures they rise until
    the sunsets our long day"

    the "Temperatures they rise until" didn't fit the rhythm you were creating. if you say your lyrics aloud, that one line doesn't fit. it's a great line, but i think you should revise it a little - perhaps just switch a few words around. oh, and the word "sunsets" is saying "there's several sunsets", instead of saying "the sun was setting" signifying the end of the day. i think you should put "sun sets" for grammatical purposes, unless that's they way it's suppose to be.

    "Understand intentions
    meant to put you in the mood
    We're not the same together
    like when I was once with you"

    i'm a little bit confused on what you're trying to say here on the first two lines . is it referring to something else that i'm unaware of? i don't see much of a connection with the rest of your lyrics - to me it was almost like it was thrown in there.

    "Wond'rin' what its like
    to be the diamond in your rough"

    those are my favorite lines out of this entire piece. but i have one question - what's rough? maybe there's a definition to this word i don't know about, considering some words relating to a certain subject can mean something completely different. english is a very complicated language.

    "finding the[r] climax" typo?

    well, i really enjoyed this piece. other than the things i pointed out, i thought this was beautifully written. hopefully, i'll get to read more of your work. take care :)
    | Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]


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    120972

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