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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 9 to 5dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babytinkerbelle
    ASL Info:    26/f/aus
    Elite Ratio:    5.25 - 310/209/42
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1311
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1020



    Description:
       Ok, so this not a serious poem, just something i thought up on the train into work this morning, I just kind of made it up cos i couldn't help but think about the monotony *sp* in my life at the moment. lol. I'm not to happy with the first stanza cos it's out of whack with the rest but maybe i will come back one day and finish it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots9 to 5dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Six thirty in the morning
    Alarm bells ring,
    Time to get up
    And start a new day.

    Shower and brush,
    Decide what to wear,
    Heels or flats?
    Make-up and hair.

    Rush for the train,
    It's already packed
    Propped against the door
    'God I wish I wore flats!'

    Make it to the city
    No time for a smoke
    Boot up my computer
    '100 new emails, Oh God!' I choke

    Lunch is rushed
    The usual affair
    Light up a smoke
    'At last, clean air!'

    Five o'clock comes
    Time to go home,
    Then the phone rings
    'Oh no' I moan

    Finally free
    I get on the train
    It's packed again
    And it's started to rain

    Soaked to the skin
    I drag my feet home
    Climb in to bed
    Fall fast asleep
    Before you know it
    I get up and start again




    Submitted on 2006-10-08 19:20:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      veri cute piece...i love it!
    | Posted on 2007-03-14 00:00:00 | by maggot4life6969 | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the smoking references. However, a lot of the rhyming seems rushed and very forced. I'd work on the flow of the rhymes a little more, because this has the potential to be a very cute little piece.
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      Being a smoker myself I found this funny. I liked the part :Lunch is rushed
    The usual affair
    Light up a smoke
    'At last, clean air!'
    That was real funny to me! Great write
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-24 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      P.S.

    Ha! I wrote a poem. Maybe I should post it and see if people love it as much as the other talentless crap that passes for poetry around here.
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Orin | [ Reply to This ]
      Graphic.

    It's got a very..."Dido - Sand in my shoes"-esque feel to it. Definitely a great piece. I really wish I could see more work like this around here rather than the average

    I cut my wrists.
    The pain. It burns.
    What is this world?
    I love you, but you hate me back.
    Someday, you'll understand.

    No, you angsty foo! We won't.

    Sorry about that. Anyway...Great piece. Keep writing!

    Cheers.
    ~Orin
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Orin | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a lovely recapture of most everyone's day. I like the way the first stanza is different. It shows that normally upon awakening seldom does anything rhyme(fit into place).
    I like the way you used the word "smoke" to show that a brief moment of relaxation is what every worker desires to break up the pattern of frayed nerves.
    Well,perhaps you can take a pair of flats along tomorrow to feel comfy while standingon the train.
    As you know,we here in the states, generally drive our personal vehicles to work,that's why our cities are so polluted with poisons from exhausts fumes. Hurray,for you, who cares about the environment.
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Well thought out, and executed really well. I hope some of your days are better than this babytink !!!

    I enjoyed reading this - well done.

    PS you are right, the first verse does not fit with the rest - and the last one is too long.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Tink
    This is a very clever write from you where you were easily able to let us your readers into a typical day of your life
    The rhyming is perfect up to the last line
    The last line threw me off a bit in the rhyme pattern but when you read the whole write for a second time the ending comes together well this way too
    Excellent Job
    I Loved it
    God Bless
    Ron

    By the way I am adding 2 new writes today if you get a chance Please let me know aht you think of them
    I too Love The Biggest Loser it has inspired me to lose a total of 15 pounds in 2 months already
    That is one of the most emotional and well done shows on Tv
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Very clever i like it...and ive heard that, that movie is a good one :)....cant fill in the space rofl


    Six thirty in the morning
    Alarm bells ring,
    Time to get up
    And start a new day.

    Shower and brush,
    Decide what to wear,
    Heels or flats?
    Make-up and hair.

    Rush for the train,
    It's already packed
    Propped against the door
    'God I wish I wore flats!'

    Make it to the city
    No time for a smoke
    Boot up my computer
    '100 new emails, Oh God!' I choke

    Lunch is rushed
    The usual affair
    Light up a smoke
    'At last, clean air!'

    Five o'clock comes
    Time to go home,
    Then the phone rings
    'Oh no' I moan

    Finally free
    I get on the train
    It's packed again
    And it's started to rain

    Soaked to the skin
    I drag my feet home
    Climb in to bed
    Fall fast asleep
    Before you know it
    I get up and start again

    | Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha I love that
    It's so true. I hate vicious cycles like that. They suck.
    You need a vacation.

    This made me think of The Devil Wears Prada. Did you ever read it or see the movie? That was all kinds of crazy.

    I see what you mean about the first stanza, but for some reason, it didn't bother me.
    I guess I just enjoyed this too much


    Good stuff
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-10-08 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]


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