Broken Fairy tale
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Description:
ok, yes i know the format/line structure could use some smoothing out...I'm working on it, I was just really interested to know what you guys thought so far
oh and L3 is a quote from Aiden <3 && the last line is from AFI
~jess
oh and L3 is a quote from Aiden <3 && the last line is from AFI ~jess
Broken Fairy tale
Resounding screams exploding over a mundane existence, Flames and scars show no care to the underlining emotion... a picture perfect attempt at a quick and painless death, another love that was destined to add beauty to pain- How are we to truly live while we're always dying? how do you smile at someone who's eternally crying? This fairy tale is another twisted form of self-deceit; lack of evil does not justify trusting innocence, the truly innocent just don't know they're tasted death. Heart beating, wrists bleeding, tears fall in symbolic misery- Why doesn't this ritual have any ending at all...? Just because I'm forced to cry without you, doesn't mean I'd stop if you were here. Reading this script in a choreographed manner- lack of passion justified by self-created ignorance. All my true feelings fading into this poetic suicide, tragedy spelled out so simply, it had to be overlooked. Why search for redemption- if you don't believe in sin? an angelic look at life shattered by merely watching the fall. And just what am I getting at anyway?!? well, I'm sorry, I failed you, yet again, I love you so much but it's time I left....(you're better off...) in my haste to play my part in this charade, I neglected to notice my script was unfinished, such a drop-off should represent something... *as she falls to her knees* no, cut, that wasn't your cue. whats better then letting you write your own ending? ("we were once together, now I'm simply surrounded.") |
Submitted on 2006-10-08 22:52:32 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| you have a way with words no matter if its kindof disturbing good job on this one <3 lelian | Posted on 2007-03-10 00:00:00 | by Lelian Marie | [ Reply to This ] | This peice is really, disturbingly sad for me, a coincidence of person/name, and things. I felt it was a bit "emo" for lack of a better word, it bordered on the cliché, is what I mean to say. Other than that, I did like it, but it isn't my favourite of your writes. | | Posted on 2007-02-21 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ] | Pretty powerful, even though I don't agree with half of this (lol, sorry 'bout that) Pretty sad and yet it seems really mad at something. I loved the way you managed to make this flow though a couple of times it's jarred (however, the jarring seems to be done in a good matter also) Sorry if this is confusing |  ;; -Akili | Posted on 2006-12-11 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ] | i love this. It was so...real. | I could [almost] feel what you were trying to describe. It is very vivid and it is a good write. job done well. | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by itsjustme22 | [ Reply to This ] | I'm listening to "nutshell(unplugged version)", and it goes beautifull with this; much better than afi and aiden would, even thouhg they were both inspired by AIC. and that last line simply does not work well. Also, it's not always the best to so notabally mention your influences. One, it can seem to much like them, 2 it might discourage the reader due to opinion, 3 it limits interpretation. Oh, and for the ending I got "as death embarks within, i fisish the script" Yeah, I'm always getting ways to alternate your poems to change them, but that's not necessarilly bad; it shows how much I connect with them, and how strongly I feel about what you're trying to convey. As usual, very strong! | | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ] | Bah leave the lyrics, everything is taken and inspired from something else. You gave them the credit for it, and it helps us identify with what started your thought process... | Though I remember back when AFI was a kick ass punk band, I saw them in Reno, and then they get a record label and turned emo.... But that's not your fault... | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by Nihilist Weasel | [ Reply to This ] | I would take out the lyrics from AFI, I like their music, but they just feel out of place in the poem. You could mention in your description that AFI inspired you, but that's about all...it just didn't seem right.... | Otherwise, I really liked t his, it had a good subject, a bit cliché' but that can always be fixed. Peace... *tox* | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ] | I really enjoyed this, I could almost feel your pain to it. I also really felt like the story had points where we could all relate, yet you made the experience your own. | | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by Pprophet | [ Reply to This ] | i will comment later on this sorry...to tired and really long poem...so yah.... | | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by His goth child | [ Reply to This ] | It was a good write well eneding to be structured and re looked at slightly, well maybe concidering removing the AFI lyrics as it lowers your piece by having there work in it, This was a good piece by you but I think its one you need to take some time and maybe re adjust a little. | | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ] | |
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