Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: oh, my lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: denial
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 119/82/34
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1011
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 700



    Description:
       inspired by a particular John Lennon songwith the same title. also swiped the last 2 lines. i've got to be atleast a little bit unhealthy to write shit like this. after the last. call it a twin post, won't you? please. humor me. feedback.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsoh, my lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    You are a fish massacrer.
    I'm a bright young thing.
    I'm naked under my robe.
    Are you?
    You taught me sarcasm
    in five different tongues.
    I have your eyes
    Don't I?

    You're a scattering
    of motions.
    You're another word
    for
    certainty.
    Certainly,
    It wasn't like I'd leave you for public transportation
    or strange black eyes.
    It's pretty purple when you're here.
    It's always better when I come back.

    Oh my lover for the first time in my life
    My mind can feel.





    Submitted on 2006-10-08 23:02:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I can't say I've heard this tune... I just haven't... although the last swiped lines make me want to...

    "Oh my lover for the first time in my life
    My mind can feel."

    that really gets to me.

    I am unsure what some of your metaphors are... supposed to mean.. like

    "You are a fish massacrer."

    I don't really know what kind of personality traits that would imply, or if it supposed to be sort of frivilous....

    I'm a bright young thing.
    I'm naked under my robe.
    Are you?

    I really like this whole part, the tension in it.
    the overall feel of the poem is really set up by this... nice

    You taught me sarcasm
    in five different tongues.
    I have your eyes
    Don't I?

    these last two lines confused me a bit, are the two father and daughter? how else would one have anothers eyes... or is it when two people spend enough time togethar they start to look, act, be, one another??

    You're a scattering
    of motions.
    You're another word
    for
    certainty.
    Certainly,

    I like the subtle change of certainty, certainly. its cute. havent' seen anything like it in a while.

    It wasn't like I'd leave you for public transportation

    Hahhaaaa I love that one.

    It's pretty purple when you're here.
    It's always better when I come back.

    I don't understand this, again. I am pretty thick.

    I like it. I don't know why i like it. I don't know what its about except for sex or love or something. I need to hear this lennon song, thats what I know. Can you give it to me straight in a sentance? I just need you to paraphrase.

    My mind is frozen.
    Thanks,wendy
    | Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm...

    I enjoyed this. Because of the way you way you punctuate it, it sounds a bit sing-songish, and rather lyrical actually. It was very clever, and most original. Especially "fish massacrer;" one I've never heard before. Especially considering "massecrer" isn't a word lol Though, I have no problem with that. I have a couple of nitpicks for the sake of consistancy.

    In these two lines, you need to make the first letter lower-case:

    [don't] I?

    [it] wasn't like I'd leave you for public transportation

    Or actually, maybe you should add a period to the end of

    I have your eyes[.]

    which would further increase the consistancy of that first strophe.

    Yeah, I actually really like this, as I've now read it several times. Good write! It has a freshness to it.

    Justin

    PS - I really loved:

    It's pretty purple when you're here.
    It's always better when I come back.


    PPS - Hell... I'll favorite it.
    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    120993

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry