Description: so im trying to write prose and its not working...
if your looking for a frame of reference for this piece perhaps check out 'vengence is broken mirrors' and/or 'bodies for breaking'
when broken feels like whole -------------------------------------------
when broken feels like whole
at 3am in a taxi stand
it's monday... there's never any taxis out on monday but i wait here anyway. waiting for daylight, for tuesday, for a second chance though i feel it only fair to say i am currently on my fifth second chance this week... it's monday.
though not through blood but sympathy
Rome wasnt built in a day but it near brought me to ruin in one night. the poverty of my self - defence has mocked me ever since... where is God on mondays?
reluctant to smile
for fear it be misinterpreted
i sit here trying to reconcile God and mondays, second chances and 3am while casually waving a cigarette like some bored star signing an autograph for their (5000th) biggest fan
when broken feels like whole on Godless mondays...
You say that it's not working and knowing nothing of prose besides the definition, I can't say one way or the other. But, you did a fine job of putting into words something I've never been able to express. And I've actually tried. Once a person has been 'not right' for a long enough time, not only is it hard to change, but, it's hard to even know what to change to, where to start, or why they should. At first, I didn't even know I had anything wrong and once I did, I addressed everything but the issue. Now, I'm getting closer to ready. I haven't any idea of which way that you're broken in. But, I hope you try to gather the pieces and mend the cracks. Some people never even try.
Rome was unkind to you. It is a rather big place, which means a higher rate of unkindness, but I hope, too, a higher rate of kindness. It is hard to find a balance.
& of course I'm hoping that whatever happened there didn't make you want to scratch Italy off the map completely. Come to Siciliy. My Nonna will feed you well & tell you how it is a different country altogether, really.
"relatives/though not through blood but sympathy" is such a powerful line. It stood out the most for me. It is so true, & can really make a hurt more apparent sometimes, but more bearable.
& the questioning in this hurts. I can feel that hurt in the words, even as you try to mask it with a certain amount of apathy, the cigarette, the 3am, but there is this God out there, & the mondays of life, that are always pressing in.
& you're just trying to make broken feel like whole. There is so much strength in this, even though it is, really, about being weak.
Like I said before this is my fav poem of yours though I'm not sure how to articulate it especially since broken never feels like whole to me, I guess it's a maturity thing (maturity what a terrible scary word, elusive to my tiny tiny brain) like Kerouac' s words :"accept loss forever" (I'd skinned him alive but I was few years late for that, so all I can do is hug his jazzy words and talk nonsense like now). Anyway, what is it about 3:00Am? The mind becomes such a busy traffic; thoughts, memories dawn on one's mind with an air of vengeance and nowhere to hide from 3:00 Am's storm. So Ranting aside, these my *serious thoughts:
"it's monday... there's never any taxis out on monday but i wait here anyway. waiting for daylight,..."
"Waiting for daylight" emphasizes out this notion of a Monday as a day essentially bleak and gloomy and yet there is nothing to do but pass through it. I'm thinking of a taxi in this poem as this fantasized vehicle that would make one move faster through the day, the sort of a vehicle one would wish to get on a Monday...
"i sit here trying to reconcile God and mondays, second chances and 3am while casually waving a cigarette like some bored star signing an autograph for their (5000th) biggest fan"
Here my funny conjectures on this part:
To Reconcile God and Mondays =Reconcile Light and Darkness
To Reconcile second chances and 3 AM is the hardest in my opinion since it comes up to
reconciling "all that has gone wrong and that can't be undone, all past pain/hurt, scathing memories..." that resurface at 3:Am with second chances (the possibility of a renewal, or hope) of a day outside the hollowness of a Monday.
And what could lived in a turmoil state (trying to reconcile what can't or won't be reconciled), you
consider it while "casually waving a cigarette like some bored star signing an autograph for their (5000th) biggest fan", and that is Why I like this poem! Also I like it because- though I can only conceive it (and not experience it)- I do realize there are days(Mondays) "when broken feels like whole", and that is an experience in itself. That is amazing stuff, and I've read some of your other work, you have an original way of expressing yourself through words.
I love the whole down-and-out feel of this, and each sentence you use - they all just fit together so well. It's incredible, this sense of tiredness and cynicism you've conveyed through "waiting at a taxi stand at 3am".
I don't like the "Rome wasn't built" line, because it is (in America, at least) a cliché statement, generally in response to someone saying something is difficult :
"man, this painting is hard work!"
"yeah, well, Rome wasn't built in a day!"
5th second chance and relatives through sympathy are wonderful together because they share such an intimacy.
You always seem to have this indifference that borders on passion and I always love to see it in your work.
I also feel I should point out that casually waving a cigarette and an autograph from a star are closely related but I don't know if that was intentional. See, it's like a cigarette waved casually mentions that you know better but don't care, whereas the star doesn't know better and doesn't care. Or something...did that make sense?
I liked the self - defense... it read brokenly, like the poverty of my self...-defense.
The bored star signing an autograph for his/her (5000th) biggest fan- that describes that motion so perfectly that you have to be talking about what i think you're talking about. And that usually happens when someone's sense of balance is not so great, for whatever reason.
i also love how you try to reconcile God with mondays and end up not being able to, and thus mondays become godless...
i liked the capitalization too. You put the things important in caps- Rome and God holding the same power, or almost. Why should our grammar system put God on the same level as Monday? or any day of the week for that matter...
anyways... yeah, i know this was written a while ago but it still makes me want to say "cheer up, girl..." but more of a pleading wish than anything else.
the little 2-liners throughout were great. definitely my favorite lines. maybe a little repetitive? I felt it was too brief to really grasp prose. Poetry is so good at taking a snapshot of the world, but prose really needs some action (or at least reminsicing on some action!) in order to feel complete. Great try though... you've got a definite possibility of a prose-poetry mix though? my "water vapor" is my first attempt at the prose-poetry, and it works really really well for some 'stories'. Good luck with the experimenting though, you've hit a turning point if nothing else with this one!
I like the line Rome wasn't built in a day but it near brought me to ruin in one night. I wish I knew a little more about the situation. A little more development might help me, but the vagueness makes me think a little more about the story though. As far as the lak of punctuation goes, I like it . It helps with the feeling of hungover, carelessness, and disorder. My brain hurts now. Goodbye.
I'm kind of like that too: I wrote prose poems and poetic prose. I guess I'm so into poetry that I can't turn off the poetry part of my brain.
I like this piece. I've felt this way far too many times. The title is excellent.
I still think you use too many ellipses, but I think they're the most overused punctuation mark (with exclamation points running a close second). I also wish you'd use commas when you join two sentences with a coordinating conjunction. For instance, I'd say "there's never any taxis out on monday, but i wait here anyway." I also wish you'd use commas before the and when you have a series: "i sit here trying to reconcile God and mondays, second chances, and 3am while..." There are other commas I'd add too, so I'll just say, I'd proofread this for comma usage.
I find it odd that you suddenly capitalize Rome when you didn't capitalize anything previously. (I can understand capitalizing God though). I suppose it's to make it seem more important. It's also strange what you do punctuate and what you don't, but I'm sure there's a logic to it.
Well, since you ask unspecified comments, i'll be short and vague. Mondays are poetic days. There's something about the aura of monday morning, the stillness of monday midday, the bittersweet, yes semi-depressing monday afternoon and last but not least mysterious and uncomfortable monday evening. And ofcourse there's the godlike presence between these hours. Why are u looking for second chances to begin with, just be, within this floating reality of mondays. Atleast, it got u to write this marvelous piece. Cheers
When broken feels like whole it means you've lived. It means you have the strength to pick up and move on. It means you have scars. You have battle wounds. You are stronger. I absolutely adore this piece...for all its brokenness. You took a chance with this piece and it really worked. You used free writing...no specific style or format and that makes this piece whole in all its brokenness. So many ways I could look at this. I feel this at the moment because quite frankly I feel pretty damn broken right now.
Godless mondays... I love this. I love the cigarette wave... I have been working on mine, too! LOL... sounds like a helluva guilt trip that you walked into. That's why I avoid family members, God AND mondays (just to be safe), and watch when I smile (so it isn't misinterpreted)... You make me green with this one! It's so perfectly balanced and so well done!
I think the small lines are very clencher, but the real stars here are those three segments of prose. Despite your wanting to write a full-fledged prose piece, I'd prefer this style. Prose disrupted by short poetic lines. Uninterrupted prose just... I don't know. I like what you've done here much more.
Allow me to get some nitpicks out of the way.
First of all... capitalize, girl! You've capitalized some proper nouns like "God" and "Rome" but not things like "I." I also think maybe you should consider capitalizing the first letter of each new sentence...
"Self - defence" should be "self-defense," no spaces around the hyphen.
In the Rome line, "wasnt" needs a hyphen (damn I'm being picky, aren't I?).
I think you need a comma here:
second chances and 3am[,] while
Is there supposed to be a period at the end of the second to last line? Or is it supposed to run from the prose into the poetry? 'Cause you can read it without a period like the two are supposed to be read in the same sentence, and it still makes sense.
Okay, that's all of those (you may kick me if you'd like).
I liked this a lot. As I already told you, I fail to see the cliché factor that you said you saw in this.
As has already been said in the previous comments, this is a great line:
i am currently on my fifth second chance this week... it's monday.
I also like your play off "Rome wasn't built in a day"... though it's unfortunate the play off it you made.
I'm sure this wasn't intentional, but I like it all the same, because I'm fond of random rhymes. There's a rhyme with "self-defense" and "since." I enjoy it. It actually sounds very mewithoutYou-ish.
I like the monday theme that reoccurs throughout the piece, I think you did that really well. All-in-all, I'd say this is a great piece Jaydee. Unfortunately inspired, but great nonetheless. Like I said before, they it is never overtly stated in the piece, this definately sounds angry to me. Very resentful.
this one is kinda different...but i like it. the prose is kinda cool cuz while it is prose it still sounds poetic (i dunno if that's what you want or not, lol, but i think it's beautiful).
i agree with what MmR said. it's pretty much exactly what i was gonna say...i like the whole 2nd chance thing throughout the poem. but like they said, you didn't do anything wrong. i understand why you feel the way you do, though. i've felt the same way before...
"while casually waving a cigarette like some bored star signing an autograph for their (5000th) biggest fan" ...i like that part a lot. i dunno why...i just think it's cool. lol.
i like this one. it's kinda a different style than what you normally write (the whole prose part) but it's still you. i wish you were here so i could just give you a big hug...i miss you!
i have to admit, this doesn't quite read like a poem, nor does it read like a prose...it came across to me as a mixture of both...
i love how you say you're on your 5th second chance of the week...though i want to tell you that you did nothing wrong hun...and those who've done nothing wrong need no second chances...but i do understand why you feel you need one...mine are for different reasons, but with the same outcome...we're looking for a second chance for something we can't ever change.
anyway, i really need to go, and i wish i could say more....but here's the thing...i've loved what you have written here, and hate that you have written it because of the reason that you did.