[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Wedots

    Author: Jengrr
    ASL Info:    20/McBain
    Elite Ratio:    5.85 - 95/104/22
    Words: 397
    Class/Type: Poetry/Lostfriend
    Total Views: 629
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2504

       This poem is really something interesting - It began as a rant, just random thoughts over the pain of losing a best friend who was really another part of me. But then it slowly morphed into a poem, though a poem with two different styles. I'm in two different English classes, and one is studying contemporary style poetry (the beginning and very end of my poem) and the other is studying epics, which shows through in the middle. Anyways, its a work in progress, so give me any ideas you have.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    How did We come to this?
    Inseparable We, invincible We

    I was alone
    Alone and quiet, but my
    Head burst with ideas and thoughts and words
    Longing to break past the silence
    You heard those words without a sound
    And taught me how to speak again
    To sing and laugh and dance again
    And let my thoughts take wing

    Then I taught you –
    You with the bright cheery mask
    That covered a whirlwind of anguish and fear –
    I taught you how to trust again
    To dream and wish and hope again
    To share your love with everyone

    And together We forged a friendship of iron
    We became indivisible,
    And from our indivisibility came all our strength

    We laughed and smiled at Peter’s blasts of cruelty
    Persevering and hoping, We slowly coaxed him to our side
    We teased and charmed past Trevor’s icy indifference
    Reminding him of friends and fun, We won him back again
    The two of us alone faced down the powerful, faceless torrent
    Of terrible high school rumors
    And for a brutal long-drawn year and a half
    We fought a battle
    Against the Nazi Senior Queens

    We budged not an inch in the face of their horrible glory
    As they sought to overawe and intimidate us
    We let our character speak for us, as they abused their influence
    And stole our friends away
    By our overwhelming integrity, We drew them back to us again

    Thus began their silent war
    We stood firm against their subterfuge and subtle attempts at dissension
    The pressure grew more intense as the battle drew near an end
    But with our will and determination, We persevered once more
    For We knew time was on our side, and their power almost gone
    And with a final stroke of courage, We ended their tyranny for good

    Yet once the trials that beset us so long were gone
    It seemed that our friendship soon unraveled
    Without the heat of battle to meld us together
    Petty squabbles drew us apart as they never had before
    The slightest irritation was cause for many tears and frustrations
    And our trust diminished
    Til two became one and one again
    Each fragile and hurting
    And each horribly, desperately alone

    Inseparable We, Invincible We
    How did We come to this?

    Submitted on 2006-10-09 08:53:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this is really amazing. i love how it flows naturally from free verse to epic and back to free verse. i had to read it almost three times to actually figure out where free verse ended and epic started and vice-versa. its an amazing piece. i didnt see any typos or gramatic issues so the mechanics were good. but more than that, you captured an emotion. you showed the reader how close you and your friend were. you showed the reader how you drifted apart. you are really really talented. keep the good stuff coming.
    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by PoeticNonsense | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like your first few stanzas. they really stand out in my mind and make for a very interesting focus on how two people cam become such good friends. at the fifth stanza though, when you started talking of peter's crulity, thats where i lost it a bit. i dont know why, over all you ahve a really great poem, and an interesting blend of two very different types of writing styles. i guess i got a little confused maybe, or just restless with it. my all time favorate stanza had to be

    I was alone
    Alone and quiet, but my
    Head burst with ideas and thoughts and words
    Longing to break past the silence
    You heard those words without a sound
    And taught me how to speak again
    To sing and laugh and dance again
    And let my thoughts take wing

    it is just a vision, being able to find a friend so great that they bring you out of the shell enclosed upon. you brought out the emotions quite well. and then how you both began and ended the poem. "Inseparable We, Invincible We How did We come to this?" i liked how you tied them in together. reading these lines at the begining has me knowing something is going to happen and waiting for it. i guess i got lost in some of your detail about what happened with other friends to get how you and that one friend seperated. anyway, great job. i dont really know what to tell you about the last part of it though. i like it, but it almost feels like this could be two different poems talking about the same subject. maybe try to finish the last stanzas in the same mannar as the first, then attempt and epic poem about the whole thing as seperate? i think it would be cool if you could do that, a modern time epic about the battles of high school. over all, great job. thanks for sharing. ~Nichole
    | Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by butterfly_chi5 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Bond written by saartha
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Linger written by saartha
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Incubus written by monad
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Push written by JanePlane
    The Promise written by annie0888
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Giving written by jjd
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Chelebel
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]