A Promise by anooplokur

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Submission Name: A Promise dots

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Author:	anooplokur
ASL Info:	21/male/india
Elite Ratio:	2.76 - 73/106/34
Words:	131

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	180
Average Vote:	4.5000
Bytes:	879

Description:
i worte this one at night in my head lol n put it on the puter in the morning this ones written for the lady with whom im gonna fall in love with i dunno wen thats gonna happen lol but its for her wen she comes

A Promise dots

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A poem i shall write
this promise i make to thee
until the day we meet
poems to u i shall read.

And on the day we meet
the stars will gleam like celestial lamps,
and the winds will whisper sweet nothings,
for on that day, we shall be one

A kiss we shall seal
for our hearts to heal,
under the beaming moonlight
our love we shall consummate.

Laying besides me
your glowing naked body,
inspiring me to write
verses divine;

for your eyes,
deep as the ocean
for your lips,
sweeter than honey

for your hair,
denser than the forests
for your scent,
exhilarating me to ecstasy

for you, poems i shall write
and this promise forever i shall keep...

Submitted on 2006-10-09 11:53:45 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Lovely, that was just lovely..
Very nice written,
I will not say more, since I'm pretty bad with feedback :S

Take care and keep it this way,
Sofie
| Posted on 2007-11-17 00:00:00 | by Broken-lands | [ Reply to This ]
  aw this is so sweet.

well written and i liked the iuse of imagery- how you related natural things to the features of the girl. good work.
| Posted on 2007-02-12 00:00:00 | by itsjustme22 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow. I really liked it. It's like you were almost saying it to me, you know? Like when you read something and it just gets to you, just because you've read it at the perfect time. Well, it got to me...it would be nice to have someone write me that! Well good job... I'll be reading more
| Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Dead_inside | [ Reply to This ]
  i realli liked dis. its lovely and soft n romantic even
| Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by lil_shell | [ Reply to This ]
  okies hun lets see what i can do for you...

"A poem i shall write
this promise i make to thee
until the day we meet
poems to u i shall read."

Okies to me the introduction
is a key part to your poem for it
alowes me (your reader) to get
into the poem. This line sounds like
it could use some improvment.
For its like spoon feeding us you may
want to try something new with this
and leave a bit of mystery till you
summ it all up in the end.
other than that this is interesting
and does make me want to read more of it.
But a new line or so perhaps may help you
there.

"And on the day we meet
the stars will gleam like celestial lamps,
and the winds will whisper sweet nothings,
for on that day, we shall be one"

Oh wow i actually like
how instead of telling you are showing me
this is a beautiful part and i like the imagry
you show.
but..."we shall be one." that has been used
many times so try something new hun like...

"and on the day we meet
the stars will gleam like celestial lamps,
and the wind(no s) will whisper to you sweet
nothings, for on that day (no comma) we
are united as one (or ) we have become one"

"A kiss we shall seal
for our hearts to heal,
under the beaming moonlight
our love we shall consummate"

okies the first one you didnt
try to rhyme and this one you did
was that on purpose? i do think
it is clever how you rhymed moonlight
with consummate though but i think
you should take the rhyming part off
it kind of takes from the begining.
maybe this will help as an example

"a fair kiss shall seal our hearts,
allowing us to heal. Under the
silver moonlight where our love
shall be consummated in this so called life"

"Laying besides me
your glowing naked body,
inspiring me to write
verses divine;
for your eyes,
deep as the ocean
for your lips,
sweeter than honey
for your hair,
denser than the forests
for your scent,
exhilarating me to ecstasy
for you, poems i shall write
and this promise forever i shall keep..."

okeis wow im in love with this part!
only thing is i think you should break it
up as you done before its a bit off setting
when you broke it up then placed it all together.
this part doesnt need any improvement for
i love the words you used. but make the flow go better by doing what you have done before
to keep it consistent okeis.
beautiful job hun please im sorry if i offended you by anyway

all the love
nikki

*kisses*

| Posted on 2006-10-10 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  i hope that whoever you wrote this to really liked it, its cute, makes me want to find someone to write stuff about me, good write i like ti
Vynom
| Posted on 2006-11-05 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
  Nicely .... Nicely writting. I belive the main reason I really enjoied this peice is because its honesly an original peice of poetry. I can just feel butterflies in my stomach to even imagine a guy to be so crazy about me. I can picture the day you'll meet that certain someone. And as for the promise it can go left unsaid that you ment it.. but then again not giving you credit for such a great job would be a shame... Well written I really did enjoy this..
~*Jackie*~
| Posted on 2006-10-09 00:00:00 | by jackz | [ Reply to This ]

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