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    dots Submission Name: Suburban Adonisdots

    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 35
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1121
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 265

       This is another sappy one, but we all write them.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSuburban Adonisdots

    As blonde as summer sunlight
    with skin just barely pink
    and eyes that violets envy
    juxtaposed with a stalwart body.
    You're my suburban Adonis.
    You sweeten my humble days
    like heaven's joyous tears.

    Submitted on 2004-05-25 13:09:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this is sweet. the kind of sweet that makes me want to run out and find a suburban adonis of my own... until i think about it and re-evaluate my decision making skills...

    i'm also impressed with the fact that you write such good HAPPY pieces... i'm still strugglin with that one. anywhoo, you've got some great imagery within this... that i'm envious of and wish that i had thought of first.
    | Posted on 2004-05-26 00:00:00 | by freeradical | [ Reply to This ]
      Cuddle i like the "this is my man and he's just what I ordered" feel to this poem. Your too minimalistic to get sappy, so never fear. Sounds like things are looking up for you.
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      You know I didn't comment the first time I came and read this, right after you posted, and now I'm coming back and reading it a third time and it must have just struck me, what does Suburban have to do with this? Is it just that you live in the suburbs? Because I don't get anything anywhere else in the piece that says he couldn't be an urban adonis, or a rural adonis, or even a seafaring adonis for that matter? If you had something more in mind, maybe you could expand the poem to explain that. Besides the puzzle (and maybe I'm just thick as a brick today) I didn't see anything I would edit about it.
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      sappy doesnt equal bad. i liked it. it was you know....sickeningly sweet to the point where you wanna take the poem and ram it down the poets lover's throat. infact. i liked it. it was sweet
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      you can call it sappy if you like, but to me it's just lovely....great descriptions...i wish i'd written them...
    "...blonde as summer sunlight......skin just barely pink...."
    wonderfully crafted image.....
    great work cuddle

    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Learah, I feel the emotion for the man, but I need a bit more, I hope you add some strength to the ending and that may clear it up for me, or just keep it the way it is...whatever makes your originality flow.
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by bluepifany | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece. I just got done writing a silly journal entry about creating new clichés, and here you are bursting with originality. My only qualm is the last simile. I'll read some more, and maybe it'll grow on me. Very nice work!!!
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      This didn't ring very clearly for me; it felt unfinished at the end and I'm not sure why because it's a lovely last line.

    Is there one more word that you can put into the last line to add more emphasis?

    The rest of it was typical sweetheart cuddledumplin, I liked the line about eyes that violets would envy :D
    | Posted on 2004-05-25 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]

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