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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Raindance©dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: babyblue002
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 438/254/44
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 386
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1573



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRaindance©dots
    -------------------------------------------



    The cloud looked at me
    and laughed…
    at my unshed tears,
    prisoners of a carcan I created.
    I did not dare blink,
    for I feared they might be released.
    The cloud laughed louder still:
    “Foolish girl with a foolish will,
    cry your heart’s desire
    as you laugh when the urge takes you.
    Crying is a relief, it cleanses your soul,
    it washes the worries, that’s their goal,
    Cry for the lover that you miss
    Sob over a dream you have lost,
    make a song out of your drops of sea
    and let them run wild and free.
    They will leave neat trails behind them
    and make the world clearer to see,
    tears kept inside blur your view
    and create a battle inside you.
    They are not precious until shed.
    Just like me when I am in rage,
    my face darkens and I shriek in pain,
    I am not my immaculate self before
    I drop my load like a blessing
    on all the land.
    Let go your sorrow and free your mind,
    lighter is the spirit and milder the fever.”
    The cloud blew itself away from me,
    I could hear the laughter echo.
    I shrugged my shoulders at the advice,
    packed my solitude in my suitcase of shattered dreams,
    tucked my sobs in my chest
    and walked on in my own way,
    with a last look at the sky:
    what do clouds know of broken hearts?






    Submitted on 2006-10-12 03:11:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      ww great choice of words
    when u get a chance please stop by my page and comment osme of mine
    tahnk you
    | Posted on 2009-06-22 00:00:00 | by sparkleshine | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow.

    I think this is the best poem that i've read tonight.

    I liked how this was well thought out. Talking both about emotions and tears, but not in a standard way. It shows alot of depth. My favorite line would have to be "tears kept inside blur your view". I never thought of it that way which is an interesting view. Suppose that its better to release emotions out into the world, but what if you keep them inside? Tormenting little buggers arent they? Or, if they are good, its selfish to keep them inside and not share the joy with others. Either way, it still messes up your being seeing that there is something on your mind.

    Only suggestion that i can make is to make the poem into a few segments for ease of reading. After each new thought/part might be good?

    Otherwise, awesome!

    ~Musing
    | Posted on 2008-09-16 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2008-09-16 00:00:00 | by MusingMinstrel | [ Reply to This ]
      This was excellent, Viviane! I see it has gotten many well deserved comments! I don't seem to have the words to properly compliment this excellent piece, but it moved me and I found it really poetic and beautiful! Well done, lovely lady!
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      It seems to me that the clouds would only rain for you if you would release your own rain, your tears. But you wanted to keep your feelings bottled up, so you just watched helplessly as the rainclouds flew away. That's what I saw when I read this.

    The title works well with the poem, because it almost seems that the raincloud will rain for you, but he requires a "dance" of sorts.

    And the last line:
    "what do clouds know of broken hearts?"
    That one left me thinking. What do they know about broken hearts? Maybe more than we think. Surely they must know, since they often get loaded down with sorrow and must cry themselves into nothing. When it rains, just realize that clouds are broken hearted. Poor clouds. I wonder who broke their hearts?
    | Posted on 2007-09-22 00:00:00 | by manwithnoname | [ Reply to This ]
      ...and so i have already commented on this once: don't you jsut hate it when you are not logged in.

    it has been a long time Vivianne :-)
    I hope that you are well and settled and I am pleased to be here again to talk with you :-)

    And now your poem.
    the shortened feedback/commentary version 2 :-)

    I think you have a very fairytale-esque style. I am sure I am not the first to say it, and I will not be the last. People like style as it gives identity, and identity is the core of who we are. It is very important, and you certainly carry this well Vivianne :-)

    You juxtapose well the concept of clouds [normally white and fluffy] with a slight apathetic tone and it is conceptually interesting.

    As far as feedback goes, i think the repetition of lines 2 and 3 is unneccesary and is shriek spelled correctly, I am not too sure.

    Overall very well put together, a clear sense of difference between protagonist and character and well witten too.

    Be well Vivianne :-) I would love for you to drop by and have a chat

    Take care

    Rob
    who has not spell checked his typing!
    | Posted on 2007-02-24 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh Viviene, you really touched my heart with this one. It's poems like these that remind me why I still bother to read. Now, what to say, what to say. You know, I have a problem here on ES, when it comes to commenting on poems that really stir me, I become awkward. I've never found commentingeasy. Mostly because, I feel like it is not my place to dissect poetry. I am still coming to terms with this.
    And yet, I can't not say anything.

    But simply saying, "Beautiful poem" doesn't do any justice either. I've read heaps of poems on a similar subject, and none of them have really caused such a throb of emotion inside me. Not because they're crap or anything, but because, sometimes what reaches out to one person doesn't quite reach out to another. This could have been cliché, but its not. And its a theme that so many have written on, and yet 'Raindance' is a breath of fresh air. Reading it in my mind, it clears the staleness that sometimes gathers. And really, it is beautiful.

    To have the courage to turn your pain into art, something that destroys into something that soothes...well, that is truly something magical. I have always felt that it is, and this poem casts away the disillusionment for a while.

    You know what really gets me with this poem? The language you use. There's something about it. It's not wordy and complicated like so many poems are these days. You know, in the good old days poems were about reaching out. About expressing your raw feeling as it is and not dressing it up. Nowadays so many poems are choc full of words and webs and technical things that I end up becoming confused and the message becomes lost. I don't think a poem is 'great' if it shows an amazing vocabulary. I think a poem is great when it can touch someone's heart with it's clear honesty.

    In the olden days you could read a poem, and understand, and still find deeper meanings. Nowadays poets consciously try to insert as many different layers of meaning as they can, as many clever words, all carefully interwoven and weaved and what not, and I only find myself tangled. Now this is not true with all poets. But. *shrugs*


    This poem touches me, the nineteen year old me the fourteen year old me, and me the six year old me, all at the same time. The language you use here is language I love. The way you narrate has hints of fantasy, and romanticism, and...it makes my heart sing when I read it, no joke, no joke at all, and I don't care if it sounds corny.

    When I read this...I became immersed. And it's so hard for me to become immersed in anything these days what with the disillusionment. But you are no pretentious poet. And you've become such a writer!

    'Raindance' is powerful, and even more so because of its ending line. God. That was just...perfect.

    Perfect.

    In sync with the soul of the world...

    I wonder, have you read The Alchemist? I feel like it's a book you would appreciate...

    I have printed this out and hung it on my wall. Its the first time I've done this with a poem from ES. I hope you don't mind.


    Alexis


    P.S. There's one suggestion I would make. :) The beginning line seems a little bit awkward, and kind of detracts a little bit from the beautiful flow of the poem as a whole. Perhaps just, 'The cloud looked at me and laughed...'
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminded me of a old black and white movie that you see on late night TV. A sad love story with all the beautiful music and starlets to go around. A man is left by a beautiful woman just to fall right back in love with a woman he does not need. Anyway great write and I will save it to my fav's.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-12-01 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, Great job communicating this message. It can be so easy to pack everything inside and hold it there and never let it break out and let go. Great poem and great job writing about the pain of love.

    Candale-Switch
    | Posted on 2006-11-14 00:00:00 | by Candale-Switch | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I would call this one "Raindance."

    This had a classic, almost mythic feel to it that I like best in your work. I have said it before but your storytelling lends itself to something amazing and fundamental and I could see you writing children's books with great success. That isn't to say your work is simple, what I mean is that it is touching in a way that we often lose sight of as we grow up. Your best poems and stories always remind me that it's never too late to refuse to grow up and live in the world they've made for us.

    It inspires wonder and always shows the heart behind it as a truly good one. I'm sorry to gush or to compliment like this, but I really feel a connection with your work. It isn't always fully refined . . . there are some rough edges, but the sentiment, the message . . . always transcends whatever quirks I find.

    And I do like this one . . . it's been too long in coming. I hope you'll start posting more again because I have missed these.
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is wonderful! Advice from cloud - how original? Sound advice too. A broken heart is best healed by a shedding of tears. I think you have captured the element of sorrow and the suffering of the broken hearted in a most unusual and original way.

    As for a title, try "Laughter." It is that which the cloud uses to get your attention, and also the counterpart to your sorrow.

    As to improvement, only one thing - the phrase "I drop my load" sounded too coarse to me, and I would replace it.

    Otherwise, a thoroughly enjoyable and sentimental piece of writing, I loved it.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very much a personal work. The conversation btw you and the cloud was a wonderfully donw device. Some nice lines in here ("make a song out of your drops of sea") and a nice ending.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Viviane,

    I'm not going to ask you to change a thing about this. I'm like Alia, it's straight talk from the heart and no one can second guess how much it means to you. But we write our own advice, ultimately when we find ourselves in pain, our voice speaks and says exactly what we need to hear.

    when the lessons of love are taught
    angels drink our tears in celebration
    they seek our wounds and pain of loss
    and healing always finds our hearts

    Something I wrote years ago, and probably the only line of it worth saving, but it takes a new perspective on why we're here and that we are learning about love.

    But isn't it human to climb the scaffolds of every loss we've collected along the way? And you write this so well and it becomes a tribute you share that inspires healing.

    Beauty is the light moving through us, we have to keep it flowing don't we?

    Namaste,

    Nan

    Nan






    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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