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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sunshinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jengrr
    ASL Info:    20/McBain
    Elite Ratio:    5.85 - 95/104/22
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 519
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 700



    Description:
       This was a random thought that came to me as I sat staring out my window and my crazy imagination took over. I'd love to hear what you think it would be like too.

    PS This could also be a metaphor for several things, see if you can figure them out.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunshinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once
    On a bright and sunny afternoon
    Cushioned on a pillow of green grass
    I reached out and held sunshine in my hand

    It was warm
    And gooey like melted chocolate
    But each tiny ray danced and wriggled
    With wild energy
    As if to escape my grip
    Until

    A cloud passed over the sun
    And for a moment
    The tempest in my hand became lifeless
    Dry and Silken
    Like so many strands of flax
    Hanging limply

    Then sunshine surged to life once more
    And strained against my imprisoning fingers
    Til I could hold it no longer and it burst free
    To fill the sky again




    Submitted on 2006-10-12 10:50:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I rarely see any good poetry here, let alone well written happy ones.

    I like this, overall. I don't tend to take to short poems, really, but yours are nice. I do think you could have chose some less distracting wording, like with 'wriggle'. . . that is, certain phonetic patterns in poems can throw people off if they're broken. Wriggle is a harsh sounding word that reminds me more of worms or bubbles than a story about sun. I'd stick to 's' sounding words or others that slip easily off of the tongue like that. But that's just me, because I read them to myself semi-aloud. It's in no way a criticism; it's all author preference. Just saying as a reader.

    Otherwise, it's a very neat idea. I love how the sun triumphs over the cloud, and bursting forth from the hand to again lend light to everyone who needs it. I believe even that holding the sun could, in a way, symbolize how for a moment some people, especially writers, feel like they have all of the 'light' in the world in their hand. That is, inspiration and knowledge and rhythm. I feel like that when I write an amazing poem, then let it go for other people.

    Beautiful job.
    | Posted on 2007-04-25 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
      this is what i love..

    Once...I reached out and held sunshine in my hand

    It was warm...Until

    A cloud passed over the sun...Hanging limply

    Then sunshine surged to life once more...To fill the sky again


    you have lines that are like your rays of sunshine in here, peeking out to be seen. I'm sure Im' reading too much into the whole positioning of sentences, but I thought it was clever

    N.K
    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by Never Known | [ Reply to This ]
      Well the metaphors really depend on the person. I like to think of it as alluding to grabbing onto your dreams, but that might not be so. I liked the imagry. It was intruiging. I mean a person laying in a field, grabbing sunshine, and struggling to hold it. It is beautiful. I liked how you described how the sunshine felt and its action, giving it animistic veiws. It brought it to life. Thank you for the read.
    Briannan
    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]


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