Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sunshinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jengrr
    ASL Info:    20/McBain
    Elite Ratio:    5.85 - 95/104/22
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 539
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 700



    Description:
       This was a random thought that came to me as I sat staring out my window and my crazy imagination took over. I'd love to hear what you think it would be like too.

    PS This could also be a metaphor for several things, see if you can figure them out.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSunshinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once
    On a bright and sunny afternoon
    Cushioned on a pillow of green grass
    I reached out and held sunshine in my hand

    It was warm
    And gooey like melted chocolate
    But each tiny ray danced and wriggled
    With wild energy
    As if to escape my grip
    Until

    A cloud passed over the sun
    And for a moment
    The tempest in my hand became lifeless
    Dry and Silken
    Like so many strands of flax
    Hanging limply

    Then sunshine surged to life once more
    And strained against my imprisoning fingers
    Til I could hold it no longer and it burst free
    To fill the sky again




    Submitted on 2006-10-12 10:50:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I rarely see any good poetry here, let alone well written happy ones.

    I like this, overall. I don't tend to take to short poems, really, but yours are nice. I do think you could have chose some less distracting wording, like with 'wriggle'. . . that is, certain phonetic patterns in poems can throw people off if they're broken. Wriggle is a harsh sounding word that reminds me more of worms or bubbles than a story about sun. I'd stick to 's' sounding words or others that slip easily off of the tongue like that. But that's just me, because I read them to myself semi-aloud. It's in no way a criticism; it's all author preference. Just saying as a reader.

    Otherwise, it's a very neat idea. I love how the sun triumphs over the cloud, and bursting forth from the hand to again lend light to everyone who needs it. I believe even that holding the sun could, in a way, symbolize how for a moment some people, especially writers, feel like they have all of the 'light' in the world in their hand. That is, inspiration and knowledge and rhythm. I feel like that when I write an amazing poem, then let it go for other people.

    Beautiful job.
    | Posted on 2007-04-25 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]
      this is what i love..

    Once...I reached out and held sunshine in my hand

    It was warm...Until

    A cloud passed over the sun...Hanging limply

    Then sunshine surged to life once more...To fill the sky again


    you have lines that are like your rays of sunshine in here, peeking out to be seen. I'm sure Im' reading too much into the whole positioning of sentences, but I thought it was clever

    N.K
    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by Never Known | [ Reply to This ]
      Well the metaphors really depend on the person. I like to think of it as alluding to grabbing onto your dreams, but that might not be so. I liked the imagry. It was intruiging. I mean a person laying in a field, grabbing sunshine, and struggling to hold it. It is beautiful. I liked how you described how the sunshine felt and its action, giving it animistic veiws. It brought it to life. Thank you for the read.
    Briannan
    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    121352

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    a mood to be free written by Daniel Barlow
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fasade written by jackz
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    the testing of hypotheses written by Daniel Barlow
    Etiquette written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Every..... written by jackz
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Yes written by poetotoe
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Records I written by Raphael
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Formal Jen written by Daniel Barlow
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry