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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dying with a smiledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: anooplokur
    ASL Info:    21/male/india
    Elite Ratio:    2.76 - 73/106/34
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 614
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 745



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDying with a smiledots
    -------------------------------------------


    As the razor edged blade slit his arm
    As the blood trcikled down
    He knew this was his last night
    His last fight,
    His last sight
    Of this brutal world

    On the floor cold as his eyes
    Arms stretched out
    Under tiles of crimson
    He lay dying with a smile.

    His pain caged in his heart forever will be gone
    And he will be on his way home.
    For life to him was a hell
    And death, he thought will take him to heaven.


    [16.00 11 oct 2006] & 1.41 15 oct 2006

    [I had written this for a contest...a contest to write about cutter, cutting n suicide...i dont encourage ppl to do it nor do it myself]





    Submitted on 2006-10-12 12:13:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Simple, effective, and not filled with trite. Its good. I cover similar subjects, though not as directly. I try to visualize without just stating the obvious. Good work.
    | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by CynicalxDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm.... I liked it, but thier were a few things that took away from the piece such as the rhyming its a little to pushed.. and commen i mean the way you worded it but then again considering you've never cut or selfharmed i think its a wonderful piece .. it doesent have the flow of emotions but then again its not of your emotions but anyway wonderful work.
    ~ Love Ashley
    | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by Oscura | [ Reply to This ]
      okeis hun lets see what i can do to help....

    "As the razor edged blade slit his arm
    As the blood trcikled down
    He knew this was his last night
    His last fight,
    His last sight
    Of this brutal world"

    Ok typical of any work done by cutters (im not imply that you do i am stating this has been used many times)

    "brutal world is a bit harsh you might want to place in here an element of beauty. To make the suicide more intrigueing. anyone may right a poem about suicide but not many write about the beauty of it (yes that may sound weird but used in a way you can manipulate the most horrendous things into an act of beauty as sad as that may sound)

    I do like how you lead us into this starting with the act itself. though you might want to try before that to get the full extent of the pain this person feels.

    you might want to keep a consistent balance between paragraphs like if you use four lines..continue doing so but that is my oppoinon and may not matter much towards the poem itself.

    "On the floor,
    With his arms stretched out
    Under a puddle of blood
    He lay dying with a smile"

    Now this part i do like the imagry is a bit weak though a litte sprucing up may improve this part for a see a great poetntial for this stanza.
    "under a puddle of blood" that part i find a bit confusing. try something like this (again you may just ignore this and i hope you are offended by me changing some words around)

    "on a crimson puddle of his own
    lifes blood he lay dieing his thoughts
    fadeing as he stared into the heavens
    with a smile gracing his face."

    i dont know that might not fit in with what you wrote but it gives you an idea of what i ment.

    again good job though.

    "His pain inside forever will be gone
    And he will be on his way home.
    For life to him was a hell
    And death, he thought will take him to heaven."

    okies again let me show you the power of imagry.

    "the pain that was forever locked in
    the cage of despare, shall now be gone
    escaping in the winds of time. This fallen
    angel is now on his way home, the life he
    lived was a hell he created, and through
    death...his thoughts take him towards heaven."

    Now i hope i didnt insult anyones religious beliefs i just wanted to show you how much imagry can improve a poem. You show your readers not tell. I heard that from a good friend of mine and that has helped me through many things. Thank you for allowing me to veiw this poem and i hope i didnt offend you in any way by the "corrections" i attemtped to make.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*

    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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