[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Delegationdots

    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 545

       About a woman I work with.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Her upper lip curls like a stroke patient
    Like a weak imitation of a Billy Idol sneer
    Broad, even teeth peeking through the lopsided gap
    A twitch of madder-pink tongue

    Beast-like, her hair overtakes her face
    A snarled thicket of brunette curls
    She sheds in waves down a white sweater

    Small hands pick them off one-by-one
    Dark rings falling to the scuffed floor
    They stick to the soles of her
    leather clogs as she walks away

    I think I love her.

    Submitted on 2006-10-12 12:33:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      "She sheds in waves down a white sweater"

    such an amazingly vivd line. this write is an awesome little gem. It has the great character build up, and ends with such a guilty introspective remark that I was left laughing.

    thanks for bringing the humor in on a rainy day on the west coast.

    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by googie | [ Reply to This ]
      Why would the second to last line be capitalized?
    It's finishing a thought... All the other lines are complete thoughts, and the second to last thought is carried over from the third to last line...

    I love how you mention all the imperfections as well as the attractive features- some in the same line as the other!
    Very impressive.
    It really is love, a form of love, at least, if you are that attentive to the little things about her like that.

    This was very well done. I do believe I love your writings. ~Syn
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry I haven't gotten around to commenting this! I loved it in your journal, and I love it here. In fact, the Billy Idol sneer was just amazing description. And the end, so plaintive, after stalker-like attention to detail, hair sticking to clogs! That was by far The way it just painted the whole scenario bit by bit...this is definitely a favorite.

    | Posted on 2006-10-21 00:00:00 | by Melora | [ Reply to This ]
      The ending is just powerful.

    It was like a sneak emotional attack... with you letting us enjoy the scenery and the silence before leveling us with an intense yet simply shread of thought.

    I think that "her" works well because it is so basic that it can be molded to a thousand other thoughts.

    And really, we don't understand the ultimate reason behind the "why's" of love... and I don't think we can ever completely give it a solid form unless we actually count the ways (which I doubt we can) or just surrender to the notion that you love someone because you just do.

    That is why I think that the maturity of this piece gives it a rendering beauty. It respects the distance of rational voices in love while illustrating the writer's surrender reader-empowering way.

    Very impressive.
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...I really love this. Automatically I thought love when I read it because if one can notice a girl's feature that intricately, than it has to be love lol. The whole thing just soared gracefully through my tongue when I read it so it's awesome.

    My favorite similes were:
    "Her upper lip curls like a stroke patient "

    That made me smile...just wow, totally clever.

    Though the context of this poem seems to depict her as monstrous at first, it still sent something warm inside of me to think about... It's almost like she flirts with your observation when you describe the curls!..I love it. This is going in my favs...I'm deeply impressed...

    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by darkrose16 | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]