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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pulling The Plugdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 702
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 812



    Description:
       I used to post on another site and someone posted a challenge to write the best and worst way to die... I can think of nothing worse than this...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPulling The Plugdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm laying here
    I can hear the sounds
    I've been here a while
    They don't know I'm around

    She reads to me
    Her voice soft and low
    She's here everyday
    And she doesn't know

    That I can hear her speak
    And I can hear her cry
    I can hear her sleeping
    In the chair by my side

    Today she sounds upset
    She won't let them do this to me
    She knows that I'm still in here
    Wanting to be free

    She's screaming and I'm dying
    How could they be so wrong
    They never understood
    I was in here all along

    All she ever wanted
    Was my life to save
    Now her deafening screams
    I take to my grave




    Submitted on 2006-10-12 13:45:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm sure this is an old piece, but I'll bash it a little anyway. I have to say you stay foucused on you subject and that's important. The deafening screams is a bit too cliché for my liking the rhyme while consistant is a bit grade schoolish. i guess it's not bad it you want it to be understood by an extremely large audience but i got bored with words like along wrong save grave me free it's all elementry other than you choice of words and phrasing the piece flows well and stays focused these are just personal preferences of mine to put a little more thought into which words and why. Anyway. Good flow, stays focused.
    | Posted on 2006-10-21 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      i think that this was a very well written poem and well performed challenge the way that you put yourself in that position of the person that is going through this situation and the way you said that you were trapped inside your own body and that you could not be heard by any1 but could still feel the same situation.

    much LOVE
    JAmes
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
      One thing that i would think over is the rhyming. It has few rhyming points - the first one makes the reader ( atleast me ) wait for a next but it comes only in the end. So i would try to organize and play with the words more. Otherwise it keeps nicely to the subject and makes it easy to read. So good work - maybe some tuning needed to decide if you want it to be a rhyming or non-rhyming one but it works as it is now also.
    | Posted on 2006-10-12 00:00:00 | by Rainmaker | [ Reply to This ]


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