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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When I Die...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mystic_angel
    Elite Ratio:    1.16 - 59/33/14
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/
    Total Views: 980
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 547



    Description:
       i was just thinking of something when i got this idea.....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen I Die...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    An angel came
    To hold my hand
    And take me to the sky
    For a different life
    I'm losing control
    In my body and soul
    I feel so numb
    and I became speechless
    I see who loves me are crying on me
    And who were gone are smiling at me
    For joining them in their eternal rest
    Slowly while my soul is flying to above
    I waved to the people I love
    but they couldn't see me
    And I knew that we'll meet again...
    Someday….. in paradise.




    Submitted on 2006-10-13 11:09:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      inconsistent rhyme, awkward phrasing, clichés, inconsistent tense, uneven rhythm. Those are the main things wrong with this. There's not much left.

    The biggest offender was your phrasing:

    And can't talk like a dumb
    I see who love me are crying on me
    Slowly while I'm flying to above

    Then there is your focus on rhyme. Yet even so, your rhyme scheme is inconsistent.
    comes/hand - no rhyme; sky/life - near rhyme; control/soul - rhyme; numb/dumb - rhyme. After that, there is no more rhyme to the poem (me/me is the same word, not a rhyme).

    If all you hear from commenters is compliments, you do not improve as well as getting a false sense of your writing. This was poorly done and anyone telling you otherwise is doing you a disservice. I haven't read anything else you've written, so I don't have any idea of how well you write. I just know this piece. And for this poem, you need to just start over.

    mae

    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem I'm listening this song and it so goes with it. There are some parts that I don't really understand like "And can't talk like a dumb" and "Slowly while I'm flying to above"
    but overall good.

    keep writing!
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by emoxday | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice work Keep writing I liked this one
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by Cara R.D | [ Reply to This ]


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    121438

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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