Description: i was just thinking of something when i got this idea.....
When I Die... -------------------------------------------
An angel came
To hold my hand
And take me to the sky
For a different life
I'm losing control
In my body and soul
I feel so numb
and I became speechless
I see who loves me are crying on me
And who were gone are smiling at me
For joining them in their eternal rest
Slowly while my soul is flying to above
I waved to the people I love
but they couldn't see me
And I knew that we'll meet again...
Someday….. in paradise.
inconsistent rhyme, awkward phrasing, clichés, inconsistent tense, uneven rhythm. Those are the main things wrong with this. There's not much left.
The biggest offender was your phrasing:
And can't talk like a dumb
I see who love me are crying on me
Slowly while I'm flying to above
Then there is your focus on rhyme. Yet even so, your rhyme scheme is inconsistent.
comes/hand - no rhyme; sky/life - near rhyme; control/soul - rhyme; numb/dumb - rhyme. After that, there is no more rhyme to the poem (me/me is the same word, not a rhyme).
If all you hear from commenters is compliments, you do not improve as well as getting a false sense of your writing. This was poorly done and anyone telling you otherwise is doing you a disservice. I haven't read anything else you've written, so I don't have any idea of how well you write. I just know this piece. And for this poem, you need to just start over.
I like this poem I'm listening this song and it so goes with it. There are some parts that I don't really understand like "And can't talk like a dumb" and "Slowly while I'm flying to above" but overall good.