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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Time Bombdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 407
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 1025
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2522



    Description:
       Based on all of the school shootings going on...most dedicated to the big one back in 99...RIP DAE


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTime Bombdots
    -------------------------------------------


    _ _
    _10_

    Confusion corrupts the mind,
    slowing and stopping time
    It slowly becomes depression,
    then morphs into obsession

    _ _
    _ 9 _

    A spark is born by flint,
    The world now has red tint
    Sorrow becomes calm anger,
    this monster is now a stranger

    _ _
    _ 8 _

    Voices whisper lies,
    telling tales of death's demise
    Thoughts become a schism,
    this world a black-n'-white prism

    _ _
    _ 7 _

    Seeping venom of brown recluse,
    feeding off of steady abuse
    Scathing words form a flame
    Where's the scapegoat in which to blame?

    _ _
    _ 6 _

    The anticipation of this pain,
    is the only thing that will remain,
    once the mind has borne these scars,
    locked behind these jagged bars

    _ _
    _ 5 _

    Tears of glass slice down a face,
    hiding the rage without trace
    Nothing but a tortured mask
    Shielding the truth of one's own past

    _ _
    _ 4 _

    With one word, the torch falls down
    Alighting the world, blazing the ground
    Flaming shadows scorch the mind
    This scar tissue is naught but kind

    _ _
    _ 3 _

    Burning away scabs to the third degree,
    the monster inside is now all to see
    All the pain bleeds into a rage,
    releasing the thing that cannot be caged

    _ _
    _ 2 _

    It was playing Russian Roulette, with a ticking bomb...
    Resulting in a Vietnam
    Laying in a pool of a black red sheen
    The words that were said finally have mean...

    _ _
    _ 1 _

    There's fire in the hole
    This gun now has control
    Their lives I cannot mend,
    and so this tale comes to an end

    _ _
    _ 0 _

    Though upon the flames, the rain falls hard...
    Cooling away the fire, to turn another card...
    Coals and embers still lay upon the ground...
    Though voices whisper, they hear not a sound

    Though the remnants may cool over time...
    They still remain without word nor rhyme...
    Like scabs of wounds made by a friend...
    They are unhealable sores that can never mend








    Submitted on 2006-10-13 20:09:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      We've just wached "Bowling for collumbine" in religion class, so it's obvious that this speaks to me. It speaks more to me because verry few people go the the "core" of what really happens. your words are as beutiful as ever, and I got caught by the layout of the poem. It emphasizes the feeling and gives a sort of structure to it. I like it mostly because of the message it presents. It should be read by everyone who ever starts thinking about the subjects it involves.
    //The little good wolf
    | Posted on 2006-11-21 00:00:00 | by Wolfie | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good poem, but it could be much better. The flow and rhythm are off.

    It's hard to write about such a touchy subject, but it seems like you've made it a little too fast-paced. The last two stanzas were the best, they have a sort of gravity that the others can't hold on to.

    Hope that helps.

    --crimson echo
    | Posted on 2006-12-08 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great poem and I hope lots of people read it!!! It had heart and soul put into it! Great write! I will add it to my fav's
    Kelley frost
    | Posted on 2006-10-21 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this write... i canot believe you wrote this....it's um...nera perfection....i don't understand everything like the mention of 'vietnam'...plaese clear this up.....great write though....probably a fav...
    urs truly,
    heartless coel
    | Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by His goth child | [ Reply to This ]
      okay i said i would get into more critiquiness on myspace...but just can't i just like it how it is!...but yea, i agree with kane martyr, change beared to borne....but besides that i really like it tox...good flow, different topic, good vocab that applies to the situation...you get the point!

    keep it up!

    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the poem was totally unique in stlye/format so you deserve kudos for that. Honestly I got lost in the middle the first time I read it because it began to sound like you were saying the same thing over and over again and I was not really feeling the progression. After a second reading I was definitely more aware of the intent but I must still say the poem gets a bit stale for toward its center and picks back up at the end or should I say the climax but, All in all this was a great write

    llcollins
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      'Beared' should be 'Borne', its grammatically correct, plu it sound better.
    The last paragraph might need to be looked over and editted again, but overall this is really good. I like the style of counting down the different stanzas. Keep up the good work.


    ~Kane~
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by Kane Martyr | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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