okay so it wasn't
(and mornings always seem so dirty)
(and he always says he'll call me)
(and i always wonder what)
kind of night
| I love how you wrote this, how the poem can be read several different ways, not just beginning to end. I'm sure someone in the billion comments before this already said that & everything I'm going to say after this, but I don't care. |
& I like that, even tho there's some scheming with the actual form of the poem, you kept the words simple & straightforward.
& all that in a few short lines. Just fantastic, really. A little moment of hard truth.
|| Posted on 2011-04-02 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ] || yeah, i do like this a lot|
it's cute and yet well honed.
makes me feel all smiley dammit
stranded/standard rhyme is gorgeous
and the rhythms are gonna getcha
|| Posted on 2010-01-09 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ] || I like this a lot.|
See... there's something to this short poem thing.
Excellent rhyme pairing to begin with especially since they are so close. I think that's a gem all by itself.
The format really allows this space that it might not otherwise have and it's bang bang bang
i never claimed to be don juan....
but I went back and thoroughly enjoyed every portion of this two and three times.
I wub him.
|| Posted on 2009-12-08 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ] || i like how you put bold lettering to the words you wanted to stand out....|
yet the ones that weren't made me read over an over to pull it all together....
left alone not the average morning that you were used to
making up but not in the morning or atleast till you two washed up
he got what he wanted and left you feeling used
and when he left you he never came back....
if i'm off base here sorry Jaydee this is what i felt reading this one of yours....
there are alot of people who can relate to this poem in one point of their lives...i had high school friends who went through this and the hurt they went through hurt me trying to pull them out of such pain well done telling it like it was kiddo....
|| Posted on 2007-08-09 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ] || "make off|
(and i always wonder what)
kind of night"
There's something incongruous about the use of "what" for "make off". I'd use "why", but if so, then it wouldn't fit in with "kind of night".
Your style is very distinctive, and I love it.
|| Posted on 2007-06-22 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ] || ok please forgive my previous short comment. here is a more constructive one.|
when i think of june i think of rainy, hot, long days that just drag on and on. (maybe its because of the lovely 9 month long summers we have in Houston). i like the way your poem contrasts this thought by being very short and written with very short lines. i also like the way you have (wriiten little thoughts in this way) after each bold line. like an answer for each action. also the structure of the piece is visually appealing which i like bc i consider myself more of a painter than a writer. overall i wouldnt change anything, as i am unlikely to recommend anyone change anything on something theyve done, seems a little pretentious to me.
but all that said, i find it to be a very good poem that i quite enjoyed.
|| Posted on 2007-03-30 00:00:00 | by HappyBuddaH | [ Reply to This ] || i never cared much for june myself. very well written though.||| Posted on 2007-03-21 00:00:00 | by HappyBuddaH | [ Reply to This ] || You know how I love your use of bold and italics... I love how you can always make a poem within a poem. such style.|
|| Posted on 2006-10-23 00:00:00 | by parabola | [ Reply to This ] || I love the title of this... was wondering if you were sitting home and watching old movies (with a diamond-studded 3-ft cigarette holder) while you were writing this... Although I STILL haven't seen the movie, I have this vivid image of shadowy you (because I don't know what you look like), but boy you have tons of bracelets on, and you're sucking smoke through the diamond-stick and blowing smoke-rings. This, for some reason, strikes me a "chic" and I really don't know which direction it's going, because it is so open, it could be any directions... but it is definitely a "moving" thing, indicating a pattern either being broken by something good, or something worse than usual... LOL, god, I am sooooo helpfully wordy today, aren't I? (AND hungover, AND having to edit my spelling every-other word...) |
You little chic-writing chain-smoking intellectual, you!
|| Posted on 2006-10-16 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ] || I love the title of this... was wondering if you were sitting home and watching old movies (with a diamond-studded 3-ft cigarette holder) while you were writing this... Although I STILL haven't seen the movie, I have this vivid image of shadowy you (because I don't know what you look like), but boy you have tons of bracelets on, and you're sucking smoke through the diamond-stick and blowing smoke-rings. This, for some reason, strikes me a "chic" and I really don't know which direction it's going, because it is so open, it could be any directions... but it is definitely a "moving" thing, indicating a pattern either being broken by something good, or something worse than usual... LOL, god, I am sooooo helpfully wordy today, aren't I? (AND hungover, AND having to edit my spelling every-other word...) |
You little chic-writing chain-smoking intellectual, you!
|| Posted on 2006-10-16 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ] || Yes, you're a rather quirky one... but that's what makes you so endearing |
I like how you've managed to say a lot in few words, and also how you played on "makeup/out/off"-- it's unique and refreshing.
I also felt like you had a cliff-hanger here... I was expecting one last part-- something which said exactly what kind of June this was... but to say so would destroy its mystique, as you probably well knew already you tricky bugger.
Well, I'd say more but to do so would be to reiterate everything I've said already... and I don't wanna be a cracked record.
|| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ] || Oh, you're a clever one. This is one of the best uses of your typographical quirks. I think I'd get rid of "okay so" in line two because it'll make it leaner and give it greater impact. I can't think of anything else critical to say.|
This is one of your best,
|| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ] || I definately prefer the way you integrated those lines to the first time you showed me this.|
Yeah, I think it works much better. I like reading the bold parts and thinking this is what you are saying to me, and reading the parenthetical parts as whispers, that I'm maybe not supposed to be hearing. The regret, the doubt, the... the fear?
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to read "stranded" into the next line. I think maybe you should add some ellipses after it, and perhaps a period at the end of the last line. I really don't think it makes sense to read it like, "stranded okay so it wasn't..." and while I guess the different font styles, italic and bold, could differentiate, because of how "kind of night" flows into "in june," I just maybe think you should really consider those ellipses. But of course, it is your poem, and therefore, whatever you like best.
And, while I like this a lot, I'm not quite sure as to why it isn't your standard (by the way, nice wordplay between stranded and standard) day. I mean, the way the parenthetical statements read, with the word "always," it kind of sounds like it is your standard night. Perhaps you could explain?
But anyway, I really liked this Jaydee. Good write. I like all the different ways you can read this, like Tom pointed out.
|| Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ] || heh, well i have a few things of interest to note in this one.|
the first fo which was this seemed as though it came to such an abrupt end or conclusion, or perhaps you've simply led your reader to draw much more from this than wa soriginally intended, almost as a cliffhanger .
i loved the free form and use of spatial stylistics here. that's not seen often, because most are afraid of the possiblities of allowing themselves so much freedom with this form.
the above three lines have dual meaning when not accompanied with the line following in parenthesis, which i did quite enjoy and respect.
the italicized first and last lines go in conjunction, hence the title.
now if we take all of your bold-print lines...
1 okay so it wasn't
2 your standard
3 make up
4 make out
5 make off
and pair any of these lines with either the first or last lines
2a (in june)
1 okay so it wasn't (in june)
2 your standard (in june)
3 make up (in june)
4 make out (in june)
5 make off (in june)
1 okay so it wasn't (stranded)
2 your standard (stranded)
3 make up (stranded)
4 make out (stranded)
5 make off (stranded)
give each of these lines their own meaning, because unconsciously our minds go ahead and pair these lines up because of their spatial positioning, and the bold or italics.
perhaps this was not intended, but if so (and i believe it was because this piece left no room for error), i commend you.
a decent write yes, can't believe that no one else has commented thus far, and i do look forward to reading more from you soon.
|| Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ] || Wow. I mean... this is the first poem I've commented on since I've come back to the site, and if this is anything to go by, then freshness and artistic experimentation have increased here tenfold.|
It's one of the poems that I really can't recommend anything for. Everything seems to be where it should be, and it communicates something vague and uncertain, something tangible but not quite solid. Fabulous.
The "stranded [body of poem] in june" works perfectly to convey the kind of lost, fractured feeling of the poem.
I love this so much that instead of recommending you change it, I'll recommend a book I think you'd enjoy - "Summer With Monika" by Roger McGough. This poem is very similar, both stylistically and thematically, and yet clearly very different.
|| Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by Lily George | [ Reply to This ] |