Pass,Pass...Passing. by stefhy

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Submission Name: Pass,Pass...Passing. dots

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Author:	stefhy
ASL Info:	18/f/Canada
Elite Ratio:	8 - 142/62/20
Words:	447

Class/Type:	Misc/Death
Total Views:	157
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	1609

Description:
Not sure where this came from... But it's the first time I've tried something of this style...

Pass,Pass...Passing. dots

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Relieve me of the burning
from your cold and icy eyes,
for my heart is growing weary.
These damned lashes, not holding back what they should,
as the splash,
splash,
splashing of my own tear drops
and the tick,
tick,
ticking of your fading heartbeat
...plays,
plays
plays again in my ears.

Like bugs burrowing in wrotten wood,
memories of us are scratching they're way through my skull,
finding even more corners to hide.
Leaving their emptied shells,
(my emotion)
just lying there.
----Waiting to be thrown away.

splash, splash, splashing of my own tear drops.

Tick, tick, ticking of your fading heartbeat

...plays, plays, plays again in my ears.

Rock our bodies back and forth,
you're frail body heavy on my arms,
but this anger even heavier on my consience.
I watch your soul fight its way into the night,
and close the curtains on your pupils.

Relieve me of the burning from your cold and icy eyes,
and let my heart be taken with you.

Drip, drip, dripping of my drying tears.

Tick, tick, slowing of your faded heart
...plays, plays, played again in my ears.

Submitted on 2006-10-14 06:19:08 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I absolutely love this peom. The only thing I see is that it should be "play, play, playing" instead of "plays, plays, plays". That simple change would make the scheme a little more consistent with what it seems that you wanted it to be. another fav.

Sage
| Posted on 2007-02-14 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
  I would warn you that you almost used too much repetition, so keep an eye out for that in the future.

"your soul fight its way into the night" is...in need of attention. It is a glaring defect in that stanza (especially that wonderful line about pupils).

There are some typos, but I'm sure you can already see them.

When you re-write this, take a look at the repetition first and I would very strongly suggest building on the "waiting to be thrown away"

| Posted on 2007-02-08 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
  Rock our bodies back and forth,
you're frail body heavy on my arms,
but this anger even heavier on my consience.
I watch your soul fight its way into the night,
and close the curtains on your pupils.

I absolutely love the idea of this stanza, especially the last sentence of a fighting soul and closing curtains.

when i first started to read this and seen the repeats of tick tick tick splash splash splash I honestly didnt think I would finish reading. But you did a very good job on repetitive emotion in this that I couldn't stop reading it.

very well done

N.K
| Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by Never Known | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a very interesting piece since it goes further than emotions; It attempts to reach the senses, and that's impressive.

Things like "Splash, Splash; Tick, tick" really played throughout the background like a serene whisper, and I thought that was appropriate.

I think that you are trying to express pain in your relationship with someone that you love, as though something that they did has scarred what may have been set for your future..Whatever they did is a repeating factor in your arguments with them...it's a constant reminder, no matter what happiness may go on between you two at the moment. The pain may be far too grave since it echoes throughout your poem. Maybe infidelity? Lack of trust? Something that keeps pushing your conscience to feel this way. It seems that you represent that repetition through audio (like splash, drip, etc), almost like a leaky pipe that it broken.

That "leaky pipe" may as well be through your senses...seemingly your eyes. My favorite line that I thought was most clever was:

"These damned lashes, not holding back what they should,
as the splash,
splash,
splashing of my own tear drops"

That the "lashes" can't stop how you're feeling since it's internally scarred like an open wound. I feel that you repeat the word 3 times to represent each time, that it remains constant and gone unnoticed (possibly by your partner).

I also loved this line:

"Like bugs burrowing in wrotten wood,
memories of us are scratching they're way through my skull,
finding even more corners to hide.
Leaving their emptied shells,
(my emotion)
just lying there.
----Waiting to be thrown away."

It's these memories that are hiding in your mind, and eating your hope away for something better and they leave their empty shells as though they are nothing..your emotions are nothing yet they are lying openly for everyone to see as proof...yet shunned. They are thrown as you say. One thing that I think you should do though is to remove "(my emotion)" because I think it's obvious that you are talking about your emotions...it will send mystery and make the stanza more eloquent...but that's just me lol....Now that I think about it, maybe you shouldn't hehe...some people complain that they don't understand where I'm going with my poems lol, so maybe mystery is bad! You can stick with it .

Anyways, I also found it interesting how you ask to be relieved from " the burning
from your cold and icy eyes"---I like that, using "cold and icy" because it's like you're saying that they are bitter and that bitterness has caused you to shiver so much that it feels as though you were abandoned outside in winter (causing it to burn). So that was very cool to say...

All in all, it was sad, almost phantom-like as though you are lingering to be relieved, but I loved how you compared things. Great Job
Take care,

darkrose16
| Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by darkrose16 | [ Reply to This ]

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